INTENSE
okay.....i hung out with my old time friend tonight (old time for me). i really missed him. and he makes me so happy. im so thankful that he's stuck with me all these years.
i've been thinking and this is how its gonna go. first of all i want to get married fuck this dating/hooking up with people buuullshit. its not me and i feel it destroys me. now you all could be saying to yourselves "oh its just cause she broke up with steve" (damn it my intestines hurt like a bitch) ive thought about it and im really done. well i guess this is "what have i learned from my past relationship" (even though it wasnt really a relationship) its fucking hard cause sometimes you get caught up in the moment and "it feels so good" but im not getting myself anywhere. and i feel immature. so hooking up is going to be fucking hooking up. if i like someone and they like me its going to be serious and i have to say what i mean and mean what i say. I'm going to come right out and say "i'm ready to get married and if you're not then we can't be together" or something like that. i can't be scared about scaring him away cause if he can't take it we dont want the same things so not going to work out anyway right?. anyways the point is i want to get married. I may not be ready right now and i may not be getting married in the next 5 years but i could meet someone now that i potentially will marry later on. all i know is i dont want any half ass relationships. me and steve obviously werent' going to work out. it was obvious! so im setting my standards: im not getting physical till i know he loves me and wants me and the timing is right. we're going to be friends. im saying this for myself. i dont care what other people do or what they can handle. i can't handle another relationship like the one i just had. im not a total mess but its just worthless. i had a great time but i got too involved. i wish i could say that i wont fall in love with a guy until we talk about marriage. its not practical but i wish. ugh things never work out the way you hope. and i fucking know it but i feel the need to set standards anyway. ugh
its hit me today that i need to start my life. I'm going to go to school for business and psychology. and im going to work towards consulting. i'm not sure what specific area i want to pursue though. im fucking going to school and graduating with a degree. the end.
i've been thinking and this is how its gonna go. first of all i want to get married fuck this dating/hooking up with people buuullshit. its not me and i feel it destroys me. now you all could be saying to yourselves "oh its just cause she broke up with steve" (damn it my intestines hurt like a bitch) ive thought about it and im really done. well i guess this is "what have i learned from my past relationship" (even though it wasnt really a relationship) its fucking hard cause sometimes you get caught up in the moment and "it feels so good" but im not getting myself anywhere. and i feel immature. so hooking up is going to be fucking hooking up. if i like someone and they like me its going to be serious and i have to say what i mean and mean what i say. I'm going to come right out and say "i'm ready to get married and if you're not then we can't be together" or something like that. i can't be scared about scaring him away cause if he can't take it we dont want the same things so not going to work out anyway right?. anyways the point is i want to get married. I may not be ready right now and i may not be getting married in the next 5 years but i could meet someone now that i potentially will marry later on. all i know is i dont want any half ass relationships. me and steve obviously werent' going to work out. it was obvious! so im setting my standards: im not getting physical till i know he loves me and wants me and the timing is right. we're going to be friends. im saying this for myself. i dont care what other people do or what they can handle. i can't handle another relationship like the one i just had. im not a total mess but its just worthless. i had a great time but i got too involved. i wish i could say that i wont fall in love with a guy until we talk about marriage. its not practical but i wish. ugh things never work out the way you hope. and i fucking know it but i feel the need to set standards anyway. ugh
its hit me today that i need to start my life. I'm going to go to school for business and psychology. and im going to work towards consulting. i'm not sure what specific area i want to pursue though. im fucking going to school and graduating with a degree. the end.