Never Be Free Chapter Eight
Title: Never Be Free
Author: Noirreigne
Pairing: Blair/Chuck & Blair/OC
Rating: R for language and smut.
Spoilers: Through 2x17
Summary: Except you enthrall me, never shall be free. Future Fic.
Previous Chapters
Cedric rested comfortably, legs stretched out on the chaise lounge and his favorite book, a tattered copy of Tom Sawyer, in hand. The cracked leather chair, like the book, were cherished relics of his childhood and the place he always retreated to when he was sick. He had spent a good portion of his childhood nestled in its down filled cushions, dreaming wistfully of the boyhood adventures he could only read about, all the things his sickly body wouldn’t allow him to participate in. He rafted the Mississippi with Huck Finn, explored King Solomon’s mines with Allan Quatermain, learned the art of courtly love in Malory’s ‘Le Morte d’Arthur’, duelled at Percy Blakeney’s side in The Scarlet Pimpernel and traversed the jungle with Kipling’s Mowgli. With his books and his lone friendship with his neighbor Ian it was a lonely existence until he met Blair, forever changing his life.
He slowly blinked away Tom Sawyer’s rendezvous in the graveyard the second Blair rushed like a tempest into the room.
“Did you have a nice time with Emily?” His gaze swept over her appearance, searching for subtle clues. The tense set of her jaw, the blossom of color high in her cheeks and her flashing eyes gave him all the answer he needed. “What’s wrong Blair?” He swung his legs to the floor and closing his book, he made room for her to seat herself beside him.
Pacing the room like a bird fluttering in its cage she ignored the hint.
“It’s Chuck.”
“You went to see Chuck?” he asked noncommittally. The sick feeling in his stomach, for the first time, had nothing to do with the chemotherapy.
“Of course not!” She halted, stopping in front of him. “Well, not this time and that other time it was only because he blackmailed me,” she confessed angrily, her secret spilling from her lips.
“Blair-“
“I didn’t have a choice; he threatened to sleep with all our friends and tell them horrible lies about me. He was even going to set up a double date with that horrible Gemma woman and force us to play Parcheesi.” Horrified, she stopped pacing and sank into the chaise beside him.
He blinked slowly looking at her through owl-like eyes. “Wait, you were at Emily’s today. When did you see him?”
“Which time?” she asked, casting her eyes downward.
“Which time?” he echoed, bewildered. His head throbbed at trying to make sense, find logic within her ranting. “How many times have you seen him?”
“Three times and not by choice, I swear,” she said wrathfully. She took his cold hand in her warm one, her brandy colored eyes meeting his. “I should have told you, but I was trying to protect you. There is nothing worse then dealing with a Bass on the warpath. “
He sighed, sliding his fingers through hers. “You can’t keep these things from me. I know you want to protect me, but all you’re doing is hurting me. When we married I promised to love and honor you and there is nothing you could do that would cause me to break those vows. So please, if you care about me, be honest and tell me the truth.”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” she said passionately, clinging to his hand like a drowning victim to a raft. “The night of our dinner party he asked me to meet him for dinner. In typical Bass fashion he gave me a non-choice. I could either meet him now or he would systematically make my life miserable until I agreed to see him. We arranged to meet at his hotel in London a few days later
“The day of my first chemo treatment.” It was all making sense. Her sudden decision to go shopping after he made it clear he wanted to be alone that day and her lack of shopping bags when he rejoined her in the Rolls for the ride home. “What happened?” He asked, needing to know no matter how much it might hurt.
“He told me he wanted to get married. He was crazy and possessive. I did everything I could to get him to believe that it was a mistake and that he should go home, but he didn’t believe me. It wasn’t until then that I realized that our night together meant more to him then sex.” Her voice changed, becoming distant and shakier then she would have liked. “He tried to convince me to be with him the only way he knows how.”
Cedric inhaled sharply, “Did anything-“
“Of course not, “ she interrupted, with desperate firmness. “I know you don’t have any reason to believe me, but the only time Chuck and I were together was the night we conceived in Paris. I should have given in and slept with him. If I had maybe this would all be over and he’d be gone by now. He always wants what he can’t have. “
He slid his hand from hers, putting his arm around her shoulders to draw her closer to him. She leaned into his embrace, her confidence returning as she basked in his love. For a second the world stopped and she almost forgot the mess she had made.
“I have done everything to get through to him that I do not want him and yet he won’t give up. In any other circumstance I would find this type of commitment and single-mindedness impressive, but this is Chuck Bass so it is to be expected,” she said cynically.
“I’m guessing this is why you got involved with British Intelligence?“ he asked, his mood changing as a shaft of sunlight broke through the gloom that cloaked his heart. For days he had lived in vague shadows, afraid to give voice to his worries. He hadn’t wanted to pressure her, force her hand and give her a reason to leave.
“You knew about that?”
“Yes, well I’m afraid the PM called to congratulate me on your police work.”
“But they let him go?” she asked, puzzled.
“Yes, but not before extorting quite a large financial commitment from him. You’re a bit of a national hero, privately of course, for the sudden influx of Bass dollars in the economy.”
“I’m never going to escape him,” she exclaimed with irritation. “Even if he leaves, my name is now forever tied to him at the highest levels of government. Hopefully, our officials are better about gossiping than Gossip Girl otherwise all of society will begin wondering about our relationship.“
“I wouldn’t worry about it. This isn’t something that either Chuck or the PM is going to want bandied about.” His amusement fled as he realized that she still hadn’t mentioned the other two times she had seen Chuck. “When else did you see him?” He asked in a gentle tone.
“I saw him the night of the Opera Benefit.” She shifted next to him, sinking further into the protection of his arms.
“Earlier this week? Ian never mentioned it.”
“I know. I asked him not to and he thought it best. We didn’t want to upset you.”
“Why, what happened? Ian should have been able to keep Chuck at bay.”
“He did an excellent job; he was by my side most of the whole night,” she said, evasively. It wasn’t exactly a lie and she knew Ian would never tell. He wanted Cedric’s peace and happiness as much as she did, but it was easier for him. He wasn’t dancing with the devil like she was. Her guilt, like a starving animal, gnawed at her insides, leaching at her soul. What happened that night in the theatre box was something she could never share with Cedric. She deserved to carry the shame and pain of that encounter forever. It was now a piece of her that could never be purged. “I should probably tell you that Chuck purchased the Harry Winston necklace.”
“You said the buyer was some obnoxious man-whore who hit on everything that walked-“ He halted, reflecting for a moment. “Oh, I see. Why on earth would he do that? Maybe he has a mistress after all,” he voiced hopefully.
“Hardly,” she said dryly. He bought it as blackmail. He offered 140,000 pounds for it if we agreed to have dinner with him.”
“The necklace is only worth a third of that!”
“I couldn’t say no. That kind of money is something we can only dream of raising and he knew it. It was horrible. Everyone was there watching and wondering, waiting for me to fall,” she said angrily.
“If there is one thing I know about you is that you know always rise to any occasion like a queen,” he said soothingly. “I’m betting you accepted quite prettily by acting completely disaffected, put the rumours to rest.”
“I tried, I really did. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so badly.”
“It was probably a good thing I was too sick to go because I might have,” he said grimly. “Were you ever going to tell me about this little dinner we are supposed to have or were you trying your best to ignore it out of existence.”
“Maybe a little,” she said miserably.
“So that brings your little indiscretions up to today. What happened at Emily’s?”
“He wormed his way into her good graces, completely hoodwinking her into thinking he was some kind of victim. She invited him there to get closure,” she said, rolling her eyes. “The only closure Chuck needs after a one night stand is for his dates not to slam the door on their way out.”
“I can’t blame him for finding it hard to let you go. From what you told me I thought that whatever he felt for you was casual. Knowing you, I should have realized that your interpretation of the situation would be vastly different from the reality of it. I wanted to believe that he didn’t care even though I knew how impossible it is to be with you and not love you. I’m worried about how far he is willing to take this infatuation,” he sighed heavily, spreading his hand lovingly over her still flat stomach. “It won’t be long before you start showing.”
“It doesn’t matter now. I made a huge miscalculation. I thought I could appeal to his sense of honor, his sense of decency. I neglected to remember he has none.”
“What did you do?” he asked terrified, yet already knowing what her answer would be.
“I told him the truth,” she said wretchedly. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to tell him, but I vomited all over the plants and he was so kind about it, blaming himself. He thought it was the bulimia and I couldn’t let him think that he was causing my illness to resurface.”
Cedric panicked, his heart throbbing. “You told him? He knows about the pregnancy?“
“I couldn’t help it. I promise I will fix this. I will make him see that he owes it to me to let me raise this child. It if wasn’t it for him abandoning me I never would have lost our first child. I won’t let him take this one away from us. “
“If he loves you half as much as I do he won’t let you or this child go. He won’t stop and he will win because I have nothing left to offer you,” he said, his voice breaking like a string of falling pearls.
“There is nothing he can offer that I want.” She folded her fingers in his, gently embracing the child cocooned within her abdomen. “He’s always been childish and right now I’m nothing more than a toy he can’t have. Give it time and he will grow bored, find something else new and shiny,” she said confidently, conveniently denying her own fear and trepidation. She knew, deep in her heart, that also like a child Chuck was extremely possessive of the things he thought were his.
“I hope you’re right, but I think Chuck will surprise you. I don’t think he is the person you remember any longer.”
“It doesn’t matter. It won’t change what I feel for you.” She turned to face him, reaching out to caress his cheek, her fingernails tenderly grazing his face. “I shouldn’t have told him about the baby, but I couldn’t lie anymore. I thought this would be easy. I thought I could lie to him and keep it a secret forever, but I couldn’t. I had to tell him” She looked to him for understanding, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
“I understand,” he sighed, sliding his thumb over the paper-thin silk blouse covering the smooth skin of stomach. Remembering the beautiful swell and curve that held another baby long ago, he felt his heart crack and bleed. “This is all my fault. I never should have let you go through with this. I should have realized what this would do to you, to us. God help me, I was blinded by the dream of what we once had and the son that we lost. I’m so sorry Blair.”
“Don’t blame yourself for this. It was my choice, my decision. I’m the one that stalked Chuck and took what I wanted without any thought for the consequences. I got us into this mess and I will get us out. Whatever it takes I will work something out with him, make him see that this baby belongs with us,” she said with quiet desperation.
Cedric bent down, placing a lingering kiss on her stomach. Blair ran her fingers over Cedric’s head, smoothing the golden strands now thin and fragile from the poison pumped into his system. She bravely stifled a cry as one of the curls he defiantly brushed straight every morning broke off, clinging to her fingers like broken bits of straw. Frowning she looked up as their idyll was interrupted by one of their servants entered the room, bowing apologetically and clearing his throat.
Cedric reluctantly sat up as Blair smoothed the wrinkles from her outfit, restoring a semblance of dignity for their visitor.
“Sir, Madam, this just arrived from London.” Curtis presented the small package to Cedric.
“Who’s it from?” Cedric asked curiously.
“No name or address. It was hand delivered by a courier service. Would you like me to call and find out?”
“No thanks,” he said, taking the small box.
Blair looked on interestedly as Cedric untied the strings on the parcel carefully. Her breath caught in her lungs as the plain brown paper wrapping unveiled the unmistakable blue and white trappings of a small Tiffany’s Box. Cedric wordlessly handed the box to Blair. In slow motion, she removed the small gift card, opening the envelope and pulling out the card. Blankly, she handed the card to Cedric.
“You still owe me dinner. My donation to the Opera Benefit can still be revoked. Don’t make me wait to too long,” he read aloud, softly. With trembling fingers she untied the virginal white ribbon and opened the box. Nestled in velvet was a solid silver teething rattle engraved ‘Baby Bass’.
____________________________________________________________________
“Serena, my life’s falling apart. I need you.”
“Blair?” Serena asked, yawning into the phone.
“Serena, wake up! This is no time to sleep. Chuck’s on a crusade,” Blair whined impatiently.
“Blair? Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Umm… what does time matter when there is a Bass at the door trying to blow my house down!”
“You do realize its 5 a.m. here.”
“I know, but it couldn’t wait. I needed to warn you and…I need you.”
“Okay,” Serena sighed. “Just a minute, I need to go somewhere else to talk.” Blair waited, tapping her foot impatiently as she heard Serena murmur to Nate to go back to sleep. Inspecting the polish on her nails she continued to wait as she listened to the sounds of Serena swearing and stumbling into furniture. “What’s got you so upset it can’t wait until the sun’s up,” she grumbled.
“Please S, it’s not like you’re a vampire. Or is sleeping with Nate like being with the undead?”
“Blair,” Serena warned.
“Sorry, I’m just upset. I didn’t mean it,” she apologized, like a little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “Can you talk now? Nate can’t hear us can he?”
“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure he fell back to sleep. We had a late night last-“
Blair interrupted hastily, “Yes, I’m sure you had a lovely time last night, but I need you to focus. It is imperative that Nate be kept from the details of this conversation. He’s friends with him,” she said scornfully, her tone leaving no doubt as to whom ‘he’ was.
“Blair…” Serena said warningly. “You know I hate keeping secrets from Nate.”
“Well, this is one less you need to worry about. If he hasn’t told him yet he will soon,” she said despondently.
“Told Nate what?”
“The reason behind my little exile to France my senior year,” Blair said stiffly.
“Oh, B… how did he find out? Are you okay? Do you need me to fly out? I can be there tomorrow,” Serena promised.
“No, you need to stay with Nate and spy on him. You’re my eyes and ears, my secret weapon. “
“I’m not going to use my relationship with Nate to play Mata Hari for you,” Serena said bristling.
“Oh, I hadn’t even thought of that, “ Blair exclaimed. “Thank God, Nate has a thing for leggy blondes,
“Blair!
“Just a little pillow talk? I need to know what the Basstard is planning.”
“Planning? Whatever are you talking about?” Serena asked.
“You can’t share anything we are about to speak of now. I’m invoking the BFF code and all rights and responsibilities inherent with the position of BFF. As of right now we are in the zone of silence.”
“Blair isn’t this a little high school? “
My life is on the line, Serena!”
“Okay, okay, “ she said meekly. “The Zone of silence is now in effect.”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Blair that is wonderful! I’m so happy for you. I know how hard you’ve been trying.”
“It’s not Ceddie’s,” Blair said wistfully.
“What? Whose is it?”
“Chuck’s,” Blair murmured, mournfully.
“Chuck’s? What the hell, Blair? I still don’t understand why you slept with him again, but why on earth didn’t you double bag it? God knows who he’s been with.”
“I might have tried to get pregnant on purpose.” The sentence poured from her mouth, the words blurring together like watercolours.
“What?” Serena shrieked.
“I know, I know. It was a crazy idea, but when Ceddie’s cancer came back it was imperative that I do something about the heir situation. I can’t let his family title become extinct. I can’t be known as the last Lady Errol, the one that threw away hundreds of years of Errol legacy because I couldn’t get knocked up.”
“That’s ridiculous. You can’t hold yourself responsible like that. These things happen. Besides, the British system of peerage is an antiquated system that needs to die out anyway. “
“S, how can you mean that? Why, it is what separates us from them,” Blair retorted with shock. “Without this system of distinction the whole fabric of British society would be torn apart. “
“And yet somehow us plebes in America manage just fine without,” she said dryly. Her tone shifted growing shrill as she changed the subject, “What were you thinking, sleeping with Chuck?”
“I don’t know. I went crazy when I found out Ceddie was sick again. I felt like such a failure after all the visits to the specialists and all the fertility treatments. The only time I ever conceived was that one unfortunate time with Chuck the night of the wedding. I thought I would give it one last try, use Chuck the way he used me. I needed something, anythingto focus on besides the cancer so I stalked him, waiting for the perfect time when I was at my most fertile. I gave myself one night with him, never believing it would work. “
“Blair, you do realize this is insane?”
“Maybe just a little,” she admitted ruefully.
“Why didn’t Cedric talk you out of this?”
“He tried, but you know how I get when I‘m on a mission.”
“I know, poor Cedric,” Serena sighed, very much in sympathy with Blair’s spouse.
“This was my last try. I could quit knowing I’d tried every avenue, done everything possible to have a child. I never dreamed that it would work.
When I found out I was pregnant it was the happiest moment in my life, so very different than the first time,” she added grimly. “It was divine intervention. I was like Mary, without the virgin part, visited by the Holy Spirit via Bass Sperm.”
“Who would have thought Chuck was the miracle cure for infertility. I don’t even want to contemplate a world overrun with mini-Basses.” Serena shuddered at the disturbing thought.
“What am I going to do? Ever since I hooked up with Chuck he’s has been haunting me. He is the ghost of past hook-ups you want to forget; only he resists all my attempts at exorcism.
“Does he know about the pregnancy?”
“I didn’t mean to tell him but I think the pregnancy hormones addled my brain. I threw up this afternoon in some plants right in front of him and before I knew it I was sharing my deepest, darkest secrets.”
“I take it he didn’t take the news well?”
“No, he didn’t. Ever since I slept with him he’s been possessed with the idea of getting married. He’s convinced himself that he loves me and that we should be together. Now I’ve made it worse by giving him exactly what he wants, something else he can use to threaten and control me. He wants me to leaved Ceddie, marry him and have this baby together“
“As much as it pains me to say this, and trust me it does, I think you’re being unfair to Chuck. While he redefines the term, ‘pretentious asshole’, in his treatment of others, when it comes to you it is obvious that you mean something special to him. Even before you hooked up he always treated you differently more as an equal than anyone else. Ever since, as much as he’s tried to hide it, he’s only had eyes for you. It was obvious that all of his scheming and plotting was just his sick way of earning your love, winning you back. Up until Bart’s death you were the focus of all his attentions, good or bad. He’s never been quite the same since the funeral. I think he just gave up, shut down and he’s been treading water ever since. Unwittingly or not, you opened Pandora’s box when you met with him in Paris, putting into motion all the wanting and longing that was stunted and stifled by Bart’s death.
“That’s ridiculous. If he cared so much he had years to contact me. Why now? Just because he’s remembered I exist?
“In a way, yes. I think because you left so soon after Bart died it made it easy to grieve for you like you had also died. When he saw you again, part of him that had lain dormant was reborn. For him it must seem a bit like Rip Van Winkle. He’s spent the last few years going through the motions as though asleep but now you’ve opened his eyes to what he’s missed and what he could have had if only he had done things differently. I can’t pretend to understand Chuck, but you should have known that things between you are so complicated you could never be just a one-night stand. You poked at a sleeping tiger and now you’re going to have to pay the price.
Blair sighed, “What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. How did he take the news about your first pregnancy and miscarriage?
“He tried to convince me that I should have told him. That he would have changed, done thing differently if he had known. All the usual excuses.”
“Hmmm.”
“You don’t really believe him?” Blair asked with amazement.
“I think we might have made a mistake by not telling him. We never gave him a chance. As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen that people can change. Look at Nate”
“Nate is hardly the poster child for character reformation. His slutting around in no way compares to Chuck’s many sins.”
Serena chose to overlook the slight insult to boyfriend’s character. “What are you going to do? You have to know Chuck isn’t going to give up. You’re carrying his child.”
“I know. I need to find something I can bargain with, something to convince him to let this baby have the Errol name. I owe Cedric an heir and Chuck certainly owes me for all the suffering he put me through,” she said bitterly. “After all, he didn’t have to watch as my body slowly killed our baby. He didn’t have to hold our tiny stillborn son in the palm of his hand. He certainly wasn’t there when Ceddie and I dressed him in his funeral clothes and buried him in the Errol cemetery.“ Her voice was chilly and distant, her tears long since frozen.
Serena cried for her, tears misting her face like morning rain. “I’m so sorry, Blair. I should have been there for you. I would have, you know, you only needed to call.”
“It okay, S. You can stop crying. Don’t bother to deny it, I know you are,” she laughed hollowly, heartbreak in her voice. “I’ve shed enough tears for both of us. It was better that you stayed home. It would only have looked suspicious if you had up and left so suddenly. Besides, Ceddie was there for me. I will always owe him for that. “
“I know you didn’t want Chuck to ever find out, but isn’t it a relief to have the truth out? Secrets and lies will eat away at you eventually.”
“S, you are so deluded,” she said condescendingly. “Secrets and white lies are what keeps the chaos at bay, keeps people from killing one another. Can you imagine a world where everyone told the truth all the time?”
“Well, even if you’re not relieved, I’m glad that the truth is finally out. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or having it accidentally slip out in front of Nate. As it is he’s not going to be happy knowing we kept this from him for six years”
“I’m sorry. I never meant for this to come between you and Nate. I just knew that if he knew it would be a matter of hours before he slipped up and told Chuck. Things will be okay with him won’t they?”
“Don’t worry I know he will understand.”
“There is something else I need to tell you. It’s Cedric, the cancer is getting worse. The chemotherapy isn’t working, they’re predicting he has anywhere from nine to eighteen months, “ Blair said brokenly, tears breaking through like rain after a long drought.
“Oh, B. I’m so sorry.”
The seconds stretched to minutes as the ice melted, breaking the dam Blair had so painstakingly erected around her heart. Serena offered what little comfort she could to her best friend and the sister of her heart as Blair sobbed into the phone. In time, Blair was spent, the tears crystallizing once more.
Author: Noirreigne
Pairing: Blair/Chuck & Blair/OC
Rating: R for language and smut.
Spoilers: Through 2x17
Summary: Except you enthrall me, never shall be free. Future Fic.
Previous Chapters
Cedric rested comfortably, legs stretched out on the chaise lounge and his favorite book, a tattered copy of Tom Sawyer, in hand. The cracked leather chair, like the book, were cherished relics of his childhood and the place he always retreated to when he was sick. He had spent a good portion of his childhood nestled in its down filled cushions, dreaming wistfully of the boyhood adventures he could only read about, all the things his sickly body wouldn’t allow him to participate in. He rafted the Mississippi with Huck Finn, explored King Solomon’s mines with Allan Quatermain, learned the art of courtly love in Malory’s ‘Le Morte d’Arthur’, duelled at Percy Blakeney’s side in The Scarlet Pimpernel and traversed the jungle with Kipling’s Mowgli. With his books and his lone friendship with his neighbor Ian it was a lonely existence until he met Blair, forever changing his life.
He slowly blinked away Tom Sawyer’s rendezvous in the graveyard the second Blair rushed like a tempest into the room.
“Did you have a nice time with Emily?” His gaze swept over her appearance, searching for subtle clues. The tense set of her jaw, the blossom of color high in her cheeks and her flashing eyes gave him all the answer he needed. “What’s wrong Blair?” He swung his legs to the floor and closing his book, he made room for her to seat herself beside him.
Pacing the room like a bird fluttering in its cage she ignored the hint.
“It’s Chuck.”
“You went to see Chuck?” he asked noncommittally. The sick feeling in his stomach, for the first time, had nothing to do with the chemotherapy.
“Of course not!” She halted, stopping in front of him. “Well, not this time and that other time it was only because he blackmailed me,” she confessed angrily, her secret spilling from her lips.
“Blair-“
“I didn’t have a choice; he threatened to sleep with all our friends and tell them horrible lies about me. He was even going to set up a double date with that horrible Gemma woman and force us to play Parcheesi.” Horrified, she stopped pacing and sank into the chaise beside him.
He blinked slowly looking at her through owl-like eyes. “Wait, you were at Emily’s today. When did you see him?”
“Which time?” she asked, casting her eyes downward.
“Which time?” he echoed, bewildered. His head throbbed at trying to make sense, find logic within her ranting. “How many times have you seen him?”
“Three times and not by choice, I swear,” she said wrathfully. She took his cold hand in her warm one, her brandy colored eyes meeting his. “I should have told you, but I was trying to protect you. There is nothing worse then dealing with a Bass on the warpath. “
He sighed, sliding his fingers through hers. “You can’t keep these things from me. I know you want to protect me, but all you’re doing is hurting me. When we married I promised to love and honor you and there is nothing you could do that would cause me to break those vows. So please, if you care about me, be honest and tell me the truth.”
“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” she said passionately, clinging to his hand like a drowning victim to a raft. “The night of our dinner party he asked me to meet him for dinner. In typical Bass fashion he gave me a non-choice. I could either meet him now or he would systematically make my life miserable until I agreed to see him. We arranged to meet at his hotel in London a few days later
“The day of my first chemo treatment.” It was all making sense. Her sudden decision to go shopping after he made it clear he wanted to be alone that day and her lack of shopping bags when he rejoined her in the Rolls for the ride home. “What happened?” He asked, needing to know no matter how much it might hurt.
“He told me he wanted to get married. He was crazy and possessive. I did everything I could to get him to believe that it was a mistake and that he should go home, but he didn’t believe me. It wasn’t until then that I realized that our night together meant more to him then sex.” Her voice changed, becoming distant and shakier then she would have liked. “He tried to convince me to be with him the only way he knows how.”
Cedric inhaled sharply, “Did anything-“
“Of course not, “ she interrupted, with desperate firmness. “I know you don’t have any reason to believe me, but the only time Chuck and I were together was the night we conceived in Paris. I should have given in and slept with him. If I had maybe this would all be over and he’d be gone by now. He always wants what he can’t have. “
He slid his hand from hers, putting his arm around her shoulders to draw her closer to him. She leaned into his embrace, her confidence returning as she basked in his love. For a second the world stopped and she almost forgot the mess she had made.
“I have done everything to get through to him that I do not want him and yet he won’t give up. In any other circumstance I would find this type of commitment and single-mindedness impressive, but this is Chuck Bass so it is to be expected,” she said cynically.
“I’m guessing this is why you got involved with British Intelligence?“ he asked, his mood changing as a shaft of sunlight broke through the gloom that cloaked his heart. For days he had lived in vague shadows, afraid to give voice to his worries. He hadn’t wanted to pressure her, force her hand and give her a reason to leave.
“You knew about that?”
“Yes, well I’m afraid the PM called to congratulate me on your police work.”
“But they let him go?” she asked, puzzled.
“Yes, but not before extorting quite a large financial commitment from him. You’re a bit of a national hero, privately of course, for the sudden influx of Bass dollars in the economy.”
“I’m never going to escape him,” she exclaimed with irritation. “Even if he leaves, my name is now forever tied to him at the highest levels of government. Hopefully, our officials are better about gossiping than Gossip Girl otherwise all of society will begin wondering about our relationship.“
“I wouldn’t worry about it. This isn’t something that either Chuck or the PM is going to want bandied about.” His amusement fled as he realized that she still hadn’t mentioned the other two times she had seen Chuck. “When else did you see him?” He asked in a gentle tone.
“I saw him the night of the Opera Benefit.” She shifted next to him, sinking further into the protection of his arms.
“Earlier this week? Ian never mentioned it.”
“I know. I asked him not to and he thought it best. We didn’t want to upset you.”
“Why, what happened? Ian should have been able to keep Chuck at bay.”
“He did an excellent job; he was by my side most of the whole night,” she said, evasively. It wasn’t exactly a lie and she knew Ian would never tell. He wanted Cedric’s peace and happiness as much as she did, but it was easier for him. He wasn’t dancing with the devil like she was. Her guilt, like a starving animal, gnawed at her insides, leaching at her soul. What happened that night in the theatre box was something she could never share with Cedric. She deserved to carry the shame and pain of that encounter forever. It was now a piece of her that could never be purged. “I should probably tell you that Chuck purchased the Harry Winston necklace.”
“You said the buyer was some obnoxious man-whore who hit on everything that walked-“ He halted, reflecting for a moment. “Oh, I see. Why on earth would he do that? Maybe he has a mistress after all,” he voiced hopefully.
“Hardly,” she said dryly. He bought it as blackmail. He offered 140,000 pounds for it if we agreed to have dinner with him.”
“The necklace is only worth a third of that!”
“I couldn’t say no. That kind of money is something we can only dream of raising and he knew it. It was horrible. Everyone was there watching and wondering, waiting for me to fall,” she said angrily.
“If there is one thing I know about you is that you know always rise to any occasion like a queen,” he said soothingly. “I’m betting you accepted quite prettily by acting completely disaffected, put the rumours to rest.”
“I tried, I really did. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so badly.”
“It was probably a good thing I was too sick to go because I might have,” he said grimly. “Were you ever going to tell me about this little dinner we are supposed to have or were you trying your best to ignore it out of existence.”
“Maybe a little,” she said miserably.
“So that brings your little indiscretions up to today. What happened at Emily’s?”
“He wormed his way into her good graces, completely hoodwinking her into thinking he was some kind of victim. She invited him there to get closure,” she said, rolling her eyes. “The only closure Chuck needs after a one night stand is for his dates not to slam the door on their way out.”
“I can’t blame him for finding it hard to let you go. From what you told me I thought that whatever he felt for you was casual. Knowing you, I should have realized that your interpretation of the situation would be vastly different from the reality of it. I wanted to believe that he didn’t care even though I knew how impossible it is to be with you and not love you. I’m worried about how far he is willing to take this infatuation,” he sighed heavily, spreading his hand lovingly over her still flat stomach. “It won’t be long before you start showing.”
“It doesn’t matter now. I made a huge miscalculation. I thought I could appeal to his sense of honor, his sense of decency. I neglected to remember he has none.”
“What did you do?” he asked terrified, yet already knowing what her answer would be.
“I told him the truth,” she said wretchedly. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to tell him, but I vomited all over the plants and he was so kind about it, blaming himself. He thought it was the bulimia and I couldn’t let him think that he was causing my illness to resurface.”
Cedric panicked, his heart throbbing. “You told him? He knows about the pregnancy?“
“I couldn’t help it. I promise I will fix this. I will make him see that he owes it to me to let me raise this child. It if wasn’t it for him abandoning me I never would have lost our first child. I won’t let him take this one away from us. “
“If he loves you half as much as I do he won’t let you or this child go. He won’t stop and he will win because I have nothing left to offer you,” he said, his voice breaking like a string of falling pearls.
“There is nothing he can offer that I want.” She folded her fingers in his, gently embracing the child cocooned within her abdomen. “He’s always been childish and right now I’m nothing more than a toy he can’t have. Give it time and he will grow bored, find something else new and shiny,” she said confidently, conveniently denying her own fear and trepidation. She knew, deep in her heart, that also like a child Chuck was extremely possessive of the things he thought were his.
“I hope you’re right, but I think Chuck will surprise you. I don’t think he is the person you remember any longer.”
“It doesn’t matter. It won’t change what I feel for you.” She turned to face him, reaching out to caress his cheek, her fingernails tenderly grazing his face. “I shouldn’t have told him about the baby, but I couldn’t lie anymore. I thought this would be easy. I thought I could lie to him and keep it a secret forever, but I couldn’t. I had to tell him” She looked to him for understanding, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
“I understand,” he sighed, sliding his thumb over the paper-thin silk blouse covering the smooth skin of stomach. Remembering the beautiful swell and curve that held another baby long ago, he felt his heart crack and bleed. “This is all my fault. I never should have let you go through with this. I should have realized what this would do to you, to us. God help me, I was blinded by the dream of what we once had and the son that we lost. I’m so sorry Blair.”
“Don’t blame yourself for this. It was my choice, my decision. I’m the one that stalked Chuck and took what I wanted without any thought for the consequences. I got us into this mess and I will get us out. Whatever it takes I will work something out with him, make him see that this baby belongs with us,” she said with quiet desperation.
Cedric bent down, placing a lingering kiss on her stomach. Blair ran her fingers over Cedric’s head, smoothing the golden strands now thin and fragile from the poison pumped into his system. She bravely stifled a cry as one of the curls he defiantly brushed straight every morning broke off, clinging to her fingers like broken bits of straw. Frowning she looked up as their idyll was interrupted by one of their servants entered the room, bowing apologetically and clearing his throat.
Cedric reluctantly sat up as Blair smoothed the wrinkles from her outfit, restoring a semblance of dignity for their visitor.
“Sir, Madam, this just arrived from London.” Curtis presented the small package to Cedric.
“Who’s it from?” Cedric asked curiously.
“No name or address. It was hand delivered by a courier service. Would you like me to call and find out?”
“No thanks,” he said, taking the small box.
Blair looked on interestedly as Cedric untied the strings on the parcel carefully. Her breath caught in her lungs as the plain brown paper wrapping unveiled the unmistakable blue and white trappings of a small Tiffany’s Box. Cedric wordlessly handed the box to Blair. In slow motion, she removed the small gift card, opening the envelope and pulling out the card. Blankly, she handed the card to Cedric.
“You still owe me dinner. My donation to the Opera Benefit can still be revoked. Don’t make me wait to too long,” he read aloud, softly. With trembling fingers she untied the virginal white ribbon and opened the box. Nestled in velvet was a solid silver teething rattle engraved ‘Baby Bass’.
____________________________________________________________________
“Serena, my life’s falling apart. I need you.”
“Blair?” Serena asked, yawning into the phone.
“Serena, wake up! This is no time to sleep. Chuck’s on a crusade,” Blair whined impatiently.
“Blair? Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“Umm… what does time matter when there is a Bass at the door trying to blow my house down!”
“You do realize its 5 a.m. here.”
“I know, but it couldn’t wait. I needed to warn you and…I need you.”
“Okay,” Serena sighed. “Just a minute, I need to go somewhere else to talk.” Blair waited, tapping her foot impatiently as she heard Serena murmur to Nate to go back to sleep. Inspecting the polish on her nails she continued to wait as she listened to the sounds of Serena swearing and stumbling into furniture. “What’s got you so upset it can’t wait until the sun’s up,” she grumbled.
“Please S, it’s not like you’re a vampire. Or is sleeping with Nate like being with the undead?”
“Blair,” Serena warned.
“Sorry, I’m just upset. I didn’t mean it,” she apologized, like a little girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “Can you talk now? Nate can’t hear us can he?”
“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure he fell back to sleep. We had a late night last-“
Blair interrupted hastily, “Yes, I’m sure you had a lovely time last night, but I need you to focus. It is imperative that Nate be kept from the details of this conversation. He’s friends with him,” she said scornfully, her tone leaving no doubt as to whom ‘he’ was.
“Blair…” Serena said warningly. “You know I hate keeping secrets from Nate.”
“Well, this is one less you need to worry about. If he hasn’t told him yet he will soon,” she said despondently.
“Told Nate what?”
“The reason behind my little exile to France my senior year,” Blair said stiffly.
“Oh, B… how did he find out? Are you okay? Do you need me to fly out? I can be there tomorrow,” Serena promised.
“No, you need to stay with Nate and spy on him. You’re my eyes and ears, my secret weapon. “
“I’m not going to use my relationship with Nate to play Mata Hari for you,” Serena said bristling.
“Oh, I hadn’t even thought of that, “ Blair exclaimed. “Thank God, Nate has a thing for leggy blondes,
“Blair!
“Just a little pillow talk? I need to know what the Basstard is planning.”
“Planning? Whatever are you talking about?” Serena asked.
“You can’t share anything we are about to speak of now. I’m invoking the BFF code and all rights and responsibilities inherent with the position of BFF. As of right now we are in the zone of silence.”
“Blair isn’t this a little high school? “
My life is on the line, Serena!”
“Okay, okay, “ she said meekly. “The Zone of silence is now in effect.”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Blair that is wonderful! I’m so happy for you. I know how hard you’ve been trying.”
“It’s not Ceddie’s,” Blair said wistfully.
“What? Whose is it?”
“Chuck’s,” Blair murmured, mournfully.
“Chuck’s? What the hell, Blair? I still don’t understand why you slept with him again, but why on earth didn’t you double bag it? God knows who he’s been with.”
“I might have tried to get pregnant on purpose.” The sentence poured from her mouth, the words blurring together like watercolours.
“What?” Serena shrieked.
“I know, I know. It was a crazy idea, but when Ceddie’s cancer came back it was imperative that I do something about the heir situation. I can’t let his family title become extinct. I can’t be known as the last Lady Errol, the one that threw away hundreds of years of Errol legacy because I couldn’t get knocked up.”
“That’s ridiculous. You can’t hold yourself responsible like that. These things happen. Besides, the British system of peerage is an antiquated system that needs to die out anyway. “
“S, how can you mean that? Why, it is what separates us from them,” Blair retorted with shock. “Without this system of distinction the whole fabric of British society would be torn apart. “
“And yet somehow us plebes in America manage just fine without,” she said dryly. Her tone shifted growing shrill as she changed the subject, “What were you thinking, sleeping with Chuck?”
“I don’t know. I went crazy when I found out Ceddie was sick again. I felt like such a failure after all the visits to the specialists and all the fertility treatments. The only time I ever conceived was that one unfortunate time with Chuck the night of the wedding. I thought I would give it one last try, use Chuck the way he used me. I needed something, anythingto focus on besides the cancer so I stalked him, waiting for the perfect time when I was at my most fertile. I gave myself one night with him, never believing it would work. “
“Blair, you do realize this is insane?”
“Maybe just a little,” she admitted ruefully.
“Why didn’t Cedric talk you out of this?”
“He tried, but you know how I get when I‘m on a mission.”
“I know, poor Cedric,” Serena sighed, very much in sympathy with Blair’s spouse.
“This was my last try. I could quit knowing I’d tried every avenue, done everything possible to have a child. I never dreamed that it would work.
When I found out I was pregnant it was the happiest moment in my life, so very different than the first time,” she added grimly. “It was divine intervention. I was like Mary, without the virgin part, visited by the Holy Spirit via Bass Sperm.”
“Who would have thought Chuck was the miracle cure for infertility. I don’t even want to contemplate a world overrun with mini-Basses.” Serena shuddered at the disturbing thought.
“What am I going to do? Ever since I hooked up with Chuck he’s has been haunting me. He is the ghost of past hook-ups you want to forget; only he resists all my attempts at exorcism.
“Does he know about the pregnancy?”
“I didn’t mean to tell him but I think the pregnancy hormones addled my brain. I threw up this afternoon in some plants right in front of him and before I knew it I was sharing my deepest, darkest secrets.”
“I take it he didn’t take the news well?”
“No, he didn’t. Ever since I slept with him he’s been possessed with the idea of getting married. He’s convinced himself that he loves me and that we should be together. Now I’ve made it worse by giving him exactly what he wants, something else he can use to threaten and control me. He wants me to leaved Ceddie, marry him and have this baby together“
“As much as it pains me to say this, and trust me it does, I think you’re being unfair to Chuck. While he redefines the term, ‘pretentious asshole’, in his treatment of others, when it comes to you it is obvious that you mean something special to him. Even before you hooked up he always treated you differently more as an equal than anyone else. Ever since, as much as he’s tried to hide it, he’s only had eyes for you. It was obvious that all of his scheming and plotting was just his sick way of earning your love, winning you back. Up until Bart’s death you were the focus of all his attentions, good or bad. He’s never been quite the same since the funeral. I think he just gave up, shut down and he’s been treading water ever since. Unwittingly or not, you opened Pandora’s box when you met with him in Paris, putting into motion all the wanting and longing that was stunted and stifled by Bart’s death.
“That’s ridiculous. If he cared so much he had years to contact me. Why now? Just because he’s remembered I exist?
“In a way, yes. I think because you left so soon after Bart died it made it easy to grieve for you like you had also died. When he saw you again, part of him that had lain dormant was reborn. For him it must seem a bit like Rip Van Winkle. He’s spent the last few years going through the motions as though asleep but now you’ve opened his eyes to what he’s missed and what he could have had if only he had done things differently. I can’t pretend to understand Chuck, but you should have known that things between you are so complicated you could never be just a one-night stand. You poked at a sleeping tiger and now you’re going to have to pay the price.
Blair sighed, “What am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. How did he take the news about your first pregnancy and miscarriage?
“He tried to convince me that I should have told him. That he would have changed, done thing differently if he had known. All the usual excuses.”
“Hmmm.”
“You don’t really believe him?” Blair asked with amazement.
“I think we might have made a mistake by not telling him. We never gave him a chance. As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen that people can change. Look at Nate”
“Nate is hardly the poster child for character reformation. His slutting around in no way compares to Chuck’s many sins.”
Serena chose to overlook the slight insult to boyfriend’s character. “What are you going to do? You have to know Chuck isn’t going to give up. You’re carrying his child.”
“I know. I need to find something I can bargain with, something to convince him to let this baby have the Errol name. I owe Cedric an heir and Chuck certainly owes me for all the suffering he put me through,” she said bitterly. “After all, he didn’t have to watch as my body slowly killed our baby. He didn’t have to hold our tiny stillborn son in the palm of his hand. He certainly wasn’t there when Ceddie and I dressed him in his funeral clothes and buried him in the Errol cemetery.“ Her voice was chilly and distant, her tears long since frozen.
Serena cried for her, tears misting her face like morning rain. “I’m so sorry, Blair. I should have been there for you. I would have, you know, you only needed to call.”
“It okay, S. You can stop crying. Don’t bother to deny it, I know you are,” she laughed hollowly, heartbreak in her voice. “I’ve shed enough tears for both of us. It was better that you stayed home. It would only have looked suspicious if you had up and left so suddenly. Besides, Ceddie was there for me. I will always owe him for that. “
“I know you didn’t want Chuck to ever find out, but isn’t it a relief to have the truth out? Secrets and lies will eat away at you eventually.”
“S, you are so deluded,” she said condescendingly. “Secrets and white lies are what keeps the chaos at bay, keeps people from killing one another. Can you imagine a world where everyone told the truth all the time?”
“Well, even if you’re not relieved, I’m glad that the truth is finally out. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing or having it accidentally slip out in front of Nate. As it is he’s not going to be happy knowing we kept this from him for six years”
“I’m sorry. I never meant for this to come between you and Nate. I just knew that if he knew it would be a matter of hours before he slipped up and told Chuck. Things will be okay with him won’t they?”
“Don’t worry I know he will understand.”
“There is something else I need to tell you. It’s Cedric, the cancer is getting worse. The chemotherapy isn’t working, they’re predicting he has anywhere from nine to eighteen months, “ Blair said brokenly, tears breaking through like rain after a long drought.
“Oh, B. I’m so sorry.”
The seconds stretched to minutes as the ice melted, breaking the dam Blair had so painstakingly erected around her heart. Serena offered what little comfort she could to her best friend and the sister of her heart as Blair sobbed into the phone. In time, Blair was spent, the tears crystallizing once more.