[Deathnote] - Obsession p19
Chapter 19
“Acceptance”
Near...always so perfect. I hate him. He makes me sick. All I want is to see emotion in those bottomless eyes...I want to show him who I am! I want to be in control of this...I can't let him overpower me. The only way I can stop this is to overpower him. I will get what I want this time....
That morning, Near was walking out of the common when he heard an angry voice behind him.
“Hey, Near!”
Near turned around to see who was calling him, and felt his stomach drop when he saw a group of boys standing between him and the common room door. They must have followed me. “Yes?” he said, trying to keep his voice calm.
“I'm guessing you made perfect grades on your report card again,” one of them said.
“You know, it's really irritating - we work hard, and all you do is sit around all day and you still show us up!” The other said angrily.
“Yeah, it is!” the other agreed, and they began walking towards him.
“You don't even seem to care that you get good grades. Does it all mean nothing to you?” One of them grabbed Near's wrist, and prevented him from escaping.
“Yeah,” the other said. “And it was because of you that Mello got hurt the other night! If it weren't for you, he wouldn't have been so angry. I bet you're not even sad about it, either!”
“'The boy who is unable to cry',” another recited with contempt.
“What will it take to make you cry, then?” the third boy spat. “Why don't we teach him a lesson?”
In reply to this statement, the boy holding Near pulled him over towards the boys' dorm door, where they opened one of the closet doors. “Have fun in here until someone finds you!” he said, and shoved Near inside, closing and locking the door.
Near tried the doorknob, even though he knew it wouldn't open. He could hear the boys' laughter on the other side of the door, and he banged his fist against the wood. They only laughed louder, and -knowing it would do no use to yell- Near sat on the floor and waited while the boys' footsteps disappeared. Surely someone would find him sooner or later.
Mello opened the common room door, peering out in the main hallway. He had heard laughter and shouting from in his room; curious as to what was going on, he went out in time to see the three boys walking away from the boys' dorm, laughing hysterically. Once he was sure the three boys were out of the hallway, Mello walked away from the boys dorm door and looked around the main hall; it was then that he heard a thud from inside the closet beside him, as though something had been knocked over.
Don't tell me...they wouldn't have.
Slowly, Mello unlocked the door and opened it.
Near was sitting on the floor, his arms around his knees, looking down at the floor. However, his head raised as Mello stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, the two boys could see each other clearly.
“Did those boys lock you in here?” he asked Near.
“People do foolish things sometimes,” was Near's quiet reply.
“They must really hate you, huh?
Near was silent. “How have you been, since the accident?”
“Why do you care?” Mello said with contempt.
“I suppose you blame me for it, am I right?”
“Maybe. What's it to you?”
“Nothing,” Near replied quietly, and stood up to go out the door.
As he glimpsed the boy's emotionless eyes, Mello suddenly moved in front of him on an impulse.
“Mello, please don't be childish,” Near said calmly, standing in front of Mello.
“Who's being childish?” Mello took a few steps forward, causing Near to back into the wall. He still stared at Mello evenly, his eyes not showing any emotion. This only made Mello angrier, and he forcefully grabbed the boy's wrists. “Why do you always seem so calm!? Don't you feel anything?” He squeezed Near's wrist tighter, causing him to wince slightly. Yes...that's the emotion I've been longing to see. Maybe if I just do it a bit harder....
A small sound came from Near's throat. “Mello, please stop...”
His voice...he's nervous, I can tell. Finally, I'm alone with him...I could do whatever I want to make him scream.... Mello's smile widened. “Then show me what I want to see.”
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
Mello squeezed his wrists as hard as his physical strength allowed him to. If it weren't for him, Matt and I never would have wrecked that night. If I hadn't been so angry at Near....
“Ow...! Mello, you're hurting me. Stop it!” Near said, trying to free himself.
“What's that? Are you scared? Is that fear that I hear in your voice now, Near?” Mello teased.
“Mello, let go of me.” His tone was neutral again.
“Fine...if I can't have control over you this way...”
“Mello? Control - what do you mean?” Near said, but the rest of his sentence was drowned out as Mello leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Near's eyes widened and his whole body tensed at Mello's sudden closeness; what the hell was he doing? “M-Mello..!!” Near managed to separate them.
Mello's face was flushed, but he was smirking at the expression on Near's face. “Did I scare you that time?” A low growl came from his throat as Near didn't react. “I bet if Kaori kissed you, you would react! Am I right? ....No. I won't allow anyone else to make you feel - I will be the one to have complete control over you.” He leaned closer to Near, so close the other boy could feel Mello's breath on his neck. He kissed him again, harder, the same way he had surprised Kaori that day in the hallway.
Near pushed him off again, panting - his face flushed.
“....ah..h...Mello, I...don't understand what you are saying. You think you have the control by pinning me here against this wall, but you know that this obsession is driving you insane. It's taking control over you. What emotion is it that Mello desires to see so much?” Near asked.
“You don't know what the hell you're talking about.” He glared at Near, and shoved him on the floor, pinning him down beneath him. “I want to see you terrified...”
“And you think that you can succeed in terrifying me?” Near replied.
“I want to see you under my control! I won't lose to you any longer!”
“You believe that controlling me will satisfy you? You're just lost, Mello. None of us know what we want, we just try and figure it out.”
“Shut up!” Mello said angrily, shoving his hands on Near's shoulders, pushing him down. “You act like you know everything....” His hands moved from Near's shoulders, to his neck; without even really realizing what he was doing, Mello squeezed hard.
“..M-Me...llo...” Near's hands tried weakly to push Mello off of him.
“Defeat...that's what I've been waiting to see for so long - to finally see you helpless.”
Another sound came from Near, and he struggled against Mello's grip, unable to make a sound for the pressure that was against his throat.
“Shut up...you don't know anything, you stupid boy!” Mello cried, squeezing even harder. “I could kill you if I wanted to, and you don't even try and scream when you have the chance.” He removed his hands from Near's throat. “Go ahead - scream. If you want to save yourself, you will.”
Near remained silent, looking up at Mello with the same blank eyes. This infuriated Mello, and he grabbed Near's neck again, shaking him. He heard the other boy's head hit the floor, but he didn't let go. “Damn you...damn you...damn you! I...hate you so much...and you don't even care!”
“Do you want me to care, Mello?” Near said softly, his tone still even. He reached up his hand and touched Mello's face, causing the other boy to flinch; Near's touch was cold against the heat of his scar. “What will be enough for you?” He relaxed completely in Mello's grip as his hands tightened around Near's neck. “Go ahead, Mello. If you want to kill me, I won't stop you.” His hand reached around the ground until he felt something sharp beneath his fingertips. He picked it up and held it in front of Mello. “You're right; I can't save myself. So if you want to, go ahead.” He gently placed it in Mello's hand.
Mello could feel himself shaking, but he couldn't distinguish the feeling; Near's hand was so soft, so delicate.... All I want is for you to accept me...for you to notice me.... You're so indifferent...it makes me sick....
Just say it...at least once, just say...that you're proud of me.
“Father, report cards came in at school today.”
He took the report card and scanned it a couple times. “...It could be better.” Taking the report card in his hand, he pointed to each section. “Why did you only make a B in math? And what's this 95 in Science? You can do better than that! You're the second smartest kid in your class! Why not first!?”
“Yes, father.”
“Go and study in your room, see if you can't do better than this.”
“Yes.”
Father...always wanted me to be the best. I suppose even after coming here, I've tried to impress him, and make him proud. Near has been my only rival to being the best, and somehow...I thought beating him would satisfy this emptiness I feel every time I think of my father. I sought to control him the same way my father tried to control me.... I wanted to be the best this time, so maybe I could think about my father without feeling ashamed.
Just say that I did good enough...tell me that what I'm doing now is good enough! Tell me I don't have to try anymore...that I've done good enough.... Tell me I don't have to be the best, and I won't.
“Mello...”
At Near's voice, Mello snapped out of his trance and looked down at the other boy; he had the object pointed straight at Near's throat. Did I...Did I actually try to...? “Near...”
Mello gave a small laugh, his eyes not meeting Near's. “All this time I've been wanting to control you...and I seem to have failed at that, too. The same way I failed at everything else.”
“Mello, you didn't fail,” Near said quietly. “I've always thought that Mello worked extremely hard on everything.”
“But that doesn't matter...it's still not good enough. So ... I have to beat you,” Mello said, his voice steady now.
“Mello...what do you think you'll gain by being better than me?” Near asked. “What purpose do you have for this hatred?”
“...Just shut up....” Mello said. “Just...shut...up....”
Near took both his hands and forced Mello to look him in the face. “What do you want from me, Mello?”
Mello looked at him with wide, open eyes...
I can't say...I couldn't tell him.
It was as if Near had opened a wall to see into Mello's thoughts; he could sense the boy's distress, his anger and frustration. His confusion. “Mello...do you really want to hurt me?” he said.
No...that isn't it....
Mello could feel his body lose all of it's energy, and he collapsed, his head resting on Near's shoulder as he fought to control the tears that were forming in his eyes. The object fell on the floor and was forgotten. “I'm sorry, father...” he mumbled. “I couldn't do it...I failed...I'm sorry...”
Taking advantage of Mello's distracted state, Near slid out from under him and watched as Mello buried his face in his hands. “I couldn't be what you wanted...I'm sorry...”
It was as if Near wasn't even in the room; or it was as if Near was someone else. Mello continued crying to himself. “I'm sorry...I didn't do good enough again. I tried, and tried, but it was no good.... I'm sorry.... I can't be good enough. I'll never be...I'm sorry, father...”
Wordlessly, Near went over and slowly wrapped his arms around Mello as the other boy continued crying. “You've tried hard enough,” he whispered. “You can stop torturing yourself now. You're good enough - you've always been good enough. You can stop trying now. It's over. ...I'm very proud of you.”
Mello seemed to come to his senses a little, and his sobbing quieted as he buried his face in Near's shoulder.
His approval...that's all I've ever wanted from him. Kaori was right that night by the river.... All this time, I've only wanted him to acknowledge my work. Near.... if my father could never accept me, then maybe you can replace him. If you approve of me, then that's all I need.... I couldn't kill him...he's right, I didn't really want to hurt him.... I just... I just wanted him to notice me in the way my father never could. And now... and now....
-End of Chapter 19-