[Deathnote] - Obsession p17
Chapter 17
“Forgotten”
Outside of their nightly encounters with each other, Kaori and Mello didn't acknowledge their relationship. They didn't even really have a relationship. It was as if they were only experimenting with each other, trying to find out what it was they really wanted. Nothing has changed. I suppose I was foolish to even begin to think it could be any different. I don't understand what I was trying to accomplish. Am I just doing what I think he wants? Do I think he'll love me this way? All I ever wanted was for my father to love me, but what he gave me wasn't love, was it? Did I hope that by allowing him to control me that way, that he would end up loving me with the kind of love a father should give his daughter? But...shouldn't I know if I love Mello?
Matt didn't mention what he had seen between them, but he didn't seem as friendly to Kaori as he usually was. He still sat by her in Science and at lunch, but he didn't talk to her the same way. He resented everything about her now. She had received the very thing he wanted more than anything; to be with Mello, to be with him on her own terms and not just as a puppet.
One Sunday, just as Near had predicted, report cards were handed out. They were a collection of the quizzes and homework and reports the students had done in the last month. Kaori didn't look at hers right away; she waited until dinner, and until she could see Near.
“What did you make?” she asked, sitting down at their table.
“I don't even have to look to know,” he replied. “There is no excitement to getting my grades back anymore.” Near smiled. “How about you?”
“I haven't looked yet...” she said.
“Well I want to know what you made - open it.”
Kaori nervously took out the paper, and unfolded it at the table. Her eyes scanned the paper once, and then twice. “Near...show me your report card.”
Wordlessly, he handed it to her. She looked at both papers side by side, her eyes growing wide.
“What is it?” Near asked, snatching the papers from her hands and comparing them himself. “No way...” he said. He read the report card again: Straight A's, no flaws anywhere. “Kaori, this...this is just as good as what I made.”
She sighed. “Why is it that I don't even try and this stuff happens?”
At that moment, Matt sat down beside them, and tried to look at Kaori's report card. “What'd you get?” he asked, trying to take a on a friendly tone.
Reluctantly, she handed him the paper.
Matt was speechless. “Well...I knew you'd do good, so it shouldn't be a surprise, but still.... This is unbelievable.”
Kaori quickly snatched her report back and put it away before anyone noticed it. She didn't want to think about what the girls would say if they knew about her grades.
That afternoon, most of the students either went outside or filed in the common room, looking at each others' report cards.
Mello sat on the window seat, looking towards Near - who was sitting on the ground as usual, putting together a puzzle. He didn't have to guess to know that Near had gotten perfect grades again; just the thought of the boy made him sick now.
Near...do you know how much I hate you? Can you feel my hatred? What is behind those cold, emotionless eyes? I long to see.... What is behind that stupid facade you put on all the time? But I don't get it...what do I want from you? Where does this hatred come from? Were Matt and Kaori right in what they said?
Unable to stand looking at Near any longer, Mello stalked out of the room.
Matt was walking to his room when he saw her; she was going into his room again, as she had been for the past week. It wasn't as if Matt didn't already know what she was doing there, but he still had to see. Maybe he was just torturing himself.
He walked down the hall and cracked open the door, peeking inside at the two of them.
“I kind of figured you'd want to see me today,” she said, sitting on Mello's bed.
Mello laughed. “I guess my moods are pretty predictable, huh?” He walked over to the bed, and she gently pushed him down, straddling him with her legs. She was facing the doorway, but didn't notice Matt as they continued on.
He...he has forgotten, I suppose. Everything. He's just found someone new to use. But...it's different now. He isn't treating her the same way. Does that mean he really...?
Matt could feel hot tears stinging his eyes as he shut the door, not caring if they heard him or not, and stalked down the hallway to the shower.
Matt hugged his knees to his chest, closing his eyes as the hot water beat against his back. I wanted to think this whole thing with Kaori was just a charade to Mello...that he was just using her. But I...I saw them.... A sob escaped his throat. He did forget...I wanted to think that he couldn't but...I know he's forgotten. And I...I don't want him to.... I-I want to be with him again..... His shoulders heaved as he sobbed, his face buried in his arms. I want to be with him so much.....
A little while later, Mello stepped into the shower room and grabbed a towel off the shelf. Only one other shower was running, and he was secretly glad; it was always easier to relax when he was alone. He pulled off his shirt, and was just about to undress when a sound from the shower caught his attention. Sobbing. Someone was in there crying. ...If it's Near, this will be the best day of my life, he thought. Slowly, he approached the shower, and the crying was louder.
When he turned the corner, he felt his heart skip a beat.
“Matt?! What are you doing!?”
Matt was sitting on the floor, his arms wrapped around his legs and his hair dripping wet in his face; the mirror in the shower was broken, and as Mello looked closer he could see that a piece of it was clutched tightly in Matt's hand.
Cautiously, he knelt down in front of Matt. “Matt...put it down.”
A soft sob came from Matt's throat, and he clutched the glass tighter, causing a trickle of blood to run down his hand.
“Matt...please...” Mello slowly reached out his hand toward Matt's. “Let go. Don't...do this.”
“Why do you care?” Matt said softly. He pressed it against his wrist, but didn't move or begin to cut.
“Matt, please...” Mello pleaded. “Of course I do.”
“No...” Matt shook his head and another sob echoed off of the walls. The shower might have been scalding hot before, but now it was freezing cold, and Mello felt a shiver run up his spine when he touched Matt's hand. “It's true, isn't it...that you hate me.”
“Wha...that's ridiculous.”
“No...It isn't. You want to forget all about me, don't you? You can't stand to think about me, and that's why you're with her! Isn't that right?” Matt sobbed. “You can't stand to look at me ...”
“Matt...please...I...” But he's right. I was trying to forget... “Matt, let's just talk about this.”
Matt didn't move.
“Matt, please.....” Mello sighed. “....Mail?”
This time Matt's grip on the glass slackened a bit, and Mello gently took Matt's hand in his own, pulling it away from his wrist.
The glass dropped from Matt's hand and clattered to the floor; Mello gently brushed his hand across Matt's shoulder, and then reached behind him to turn off the water. Matt was shivering. “I'm sorry, Matt,” Mello said. “I'm sorry.” He grabbed a towel from nearby and put it across his shoulders. Gently, he pulled Matt up and guided him over to the changing area, where he sat him down on a bench and began to dry his hair with a towel. Matt didn't say a word the entire time.
Back in Mello's bedroom, Matt was sitting on the bed, fully dressed, while Mello looked over his wrists. “You idiot...don't scare me like that again, you hear?” Mello said.
“Sorry.”
“Matt...” Mello sighed and sat beside him on the bed. “You know I could never forget you. Even if I try, it's impossible.”
“I'm sorry, I know I'm a burden sometimes,” Matt said.
“That isn't true... I just...” I don't want to hurt you anymore. But do I keep pushing you away to protect you, or to protect myself from getting hurt? Whenever I let you back into my life, I only end up hurting you the same way I did before. I just want control so badly right now that I´m willing to risk everything for it... “I'm not good for you. I told you that.”
“I don't care!” Matt said. Tears were still fresh on his face as he turned to Mello. “I don't care if you keep hurting me, I don't care what you do to me...as long as I can be with you, I don't care about any of that!” He threw his arms around Mello and buried his face in his shoulder. “I really don't care...just please don't leave me. I can't stand it. You're all I have...”
“Matt...” Mello put comforting arms around the other boy.
“Whatever you need from me, just ask! I...I'll do anything for you, Mello.”
Mello froze, and then thought for a minute. “Anything?”
“Yeah...of course,” Matt said, sitting up and wiping his eyes. “Whatever you want.”
“Well, Matt,” Mello said. “There is something I want. I need you to do something for me.”
“What is it?” Matt asked.
“I need you to take me somewhere tonight.”
“A-alright, but...where?”
“I don't care. Just anywhere...” Mello brought Matt's lips against his, and then leaned his head on the other boy's shoulder. “Take me anywhere tonight.”
They snuck out the front doors as soon as the teachers began doing rounds.
-Chapter 17-