[Deathnote] - Obsession p15
Chapter 15
“Sense Datum”
All day, Kaori and Mello avoided each other - not sure what to say or how to act after what had happened between them the previous afternoon. Kaori spent her time with Near, and Mello stayed in his room half the time, studying. Near noticed Kaori was distracted the whole day, but refrained from asking.
Why am I so confused about this? Do I even know what I felt when he kissed me...or was I just too surprised? This whole thing is messing with my head. Every time I think about it, I can't help but think about my.... I mean, at least Mello stopped when I asked him too. But ... I can't get the image out of my head. Am I so worked up because I'm afraid he'll try again? I already know that men take whatever they want from women; that much is certain. I was scared when Mello acted so suddenly yesterday, but...it's not as if I hadn't wanted to kiss him that night on the boat. Would it be so bad to try it willingly once, just to see if it's any different? After all, I like him well enough...
That night, Kaori knocked on Mello's door and waited anxiously on the other side. A minute later, the door opened and Mello appeared; he seemed to have just woken up from a nap, and he looked surprised when he saw her in the doorway. “Hey,” he said, opening the door wider so she could come in.
“Sorry if I woke you,” she said, sitting down on the still unmade bed.
“No big deal. I just took a little nap,” he replied, sitting down beside her.
Kaori took a deep breath, wringing her hands in her lap while she tried to think of what to say. “Listen, Mello...about yesterday....”
“I'm sorry,” he said. “I really don't know what I was doing....”
“No, it's alright...I mean...I was just surprised.”
“I had a lot of things on my mind, a lot of things I wanted to forget.....”
“I can understand that. I have things...I want to forget too.”
“Still, I shouldn't have...done that.”
“Well why not give it another shot?”
“Wha...?”
Before he had time to answer, Kaori grabbed the front of his shirt and brought their faces close, pressing her lips to his.
Immediately, Kaori felt an electric wave surge through her, and she ran her fingers through his hair. It was softer than she had imagined, and so silky...
When they broke apart, Kaori met his deep blue eyes and she could feel her stomach lurch. “M-Mello...let's forget together.”
Mello kissed her again, harder, and hotter. Pulling him down with her, Kaori wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes. She hadn't expected this, this intensity and excitement. She pushed him up and looked at him, breathing hard. “Mello, I...”
He leaned close, so that his mouth was right against her ear. “Thank you.”
Kaori could feel her heart skip a beat, and as he kissed her again -for some reason- she felt almost at home. This was familiar to her, this was what she was used to. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be doing this. Not with him. But I can't help myself. It's too tempting.... He's so warm.... Why can't I stop myself? Why do I only want more? I've never felt this way before, I've never wanted this...but now, it's like everything has changed color....
“Kaori.”
Her eyes focused back on Mello as he spoke to her, his voice jerking her out of her thoughts. “Is something wrong?” he asked. “You looked distant.”
She stared at him blankly for a moment, and then smiled, shaking her head. “No.” Kaori pulled him down again and pressed their lips together once more. This time the kiss was deeper, and more intimate, Mello's tongue exploring inside her mouth as she ran her hand the length of his shoulders, tightening her hold around him and pulling him closer. I can't stop this now. I don't want to. I have to know...I need to feel this...I need to know what it is like to want it instead. I'm scared, but.... Maybe it will feel different if I don't fight it. Even if I don't feel a thing, it won't matter...it isn't like this act means anything to me. I can just try it for now and see...maybe it will be better this time. Who knows?
She pushed him over and straddled him on the bed with her legs. Her face was flushed and she was panting. “Hope you don't mind if I'm on top?” she said.
“Not all all,” he replied.
She leaned down and kissed him again. “Just relax, and forget everything...”
-End of chapter 15-
Feels like this needs to be explained:
This was a hard chapter for me to write, simply because I wanted to convey the feelings just right, so everyone who read it would understand. Basically Kaori wants to know what it is like to have control over her own body. She's...curious. As to whether consensual sex would feel any different from what was forced upon her. To tell the truth, I think all sex is the same to her, but she wanted to feel it willingly at least once. She wanted to be in control for once. This is what I tried to explain through her thoughts. It was confusing for me as well, just figuring out her feelings about it. I titled it “Sense Datum” for a specific reason. In phenominalism, Sense Datum is a sensation. Phenominalism is a philosophical theory stating that knowledge of the external world is limited to appearances, so that we know what our senses tell us about things, not what they are.
Meaning that Kaori only knows sex by what she has felt so far and that that isn't really what it is (or what it should be). (and she's trying to figure out what it REALLY should be like...) That's my interpretation anyway. I'm sorry, I hope that explanation is clear....
It took me a while to figure it out myself...
(She wants to forget too, but she's just using that as an excuse.)