*_Lover_Please_Forgive_*
Fuck being the third, fifth, seventh wheel because it's a slap in a face. Fuck seclusion because it's much to habitual. Fuck dissappearing when she comes around because it has torn my heart to pieces one to many times.
Shane. A character from The L Word. Is me more than most people realize. A beautiful, yes beautiful because she is and I don't see myself being ugly, lesbian that has sworn away her feelings. Once pulling tricks and finding partners less of emotive outlets but more for thrills and occasional use. Until one day someone comes by and steals her heart away, completely turns her life upside-down. Makes her think that maybe the feelings she never allowed to get to her might actually be something worth having. Maybe for once there might be something that could be proven a stable healthy solution. Suddenly the person she once saw as someone that could be lovely transforms into something grotesque and tears her heart from her chest. Leaving everything bloody and misconstrued.
Although I don't exactly run parallel with this fictional characters life it does allow somewhat of an illustration. I've not felt much emotionally for people that I've around in the last years, not meaning that I don't care about people because I do, I care deeply for those that know I care deeply for them and if you have to ask if you are one of those people then it's insulting to me.
"Yeah I know, you can always steal me when I'm not around them and whatever, and you do and it's great."
"Yeah, but then when they come back."
"Umm...you'll..."
"Dissappear? I know, it's how that works."
Why should I dissappear? Because it's better for other people who'll never feel the same and just likes to play a little, until that person comes around then dissappear. It's unfortunate though that it's like this for me. Only I'm effected by this because I am 'that way' and unfortunately I've let my feelings get to me. I've let it get to me and pick at the back of my head when I know, I KNOW that it's pointless and still I'll continue to care and know how it doesn't change anything, or mean anything beyond the already established friendship/relationship that exists. Which I am very thankful for, without it I would have a part of me missing, a part of my past not being there, which I would hate. I am in no way regretting anything in how I've act because if I could go back in the past, I would still do everything the same. I would still fool myself, you would still carry on with your 'projects' and 'hobbies'. We'll still have entertaining conversations and entertaining memories. And I'll be completely ablunder. It'll be okay. Don't you think?
This how I feel, not neccessarily when I'm around a crowd but it does happen to be how I feel at the moment. It'll pass.
:garlen:
Shane. A character from The L Word. Is me more than most people realize. A beautiful, yes beautiful because she is and I don't see myself being ugly, lesbian that has sworn away her feelings. Once pulling tricks and finding partners less of emotive outlets but more for thrills and occasional use. Until one day someone comes by and steals her heart away, completely turns her life upside-down. Makes her think that maybe the feelings she never allowed to get to her might actually be something worth having. Maybe for once there might be something that could be proven a stable healthy solution. Suddenly the person she once saw as someone that could be lovely transforms into something grotesque and tears her heart from her chest. Leaving everything bloody and misconstrued.
Although I don't exactly run parallel with this fictional characters life it does allow somewhat of an illustration. I've not felt much emotionally for people that I've around in the last years, not meaning that I don't care about people because I do, I care deeply for those that know I care deeply for them and if you have to ask if you are one of those people then it's insulting to me.
"Yeah I know, you can always steal me when I'm not around them and whatever, and you do and it's great."
"Yeah, but then when they come back."
"Umm...you'll..."
"Dissappear? I know, it's how that works."
Why should I dissappear? Because it's better for other people who'll never feel the same and just likes to play a little, until that person comes around then dissappear. It's unfortunate though that it's like this for me. Only I'm effected by this because I am 'that way' and unfortunately I've let my feelings get to me. I've let it get to me and pick at the back of my head when I know, I KNOW that it's pointless and still I'll continue to care and know how it doesn't change anything, or mean anything beyond the already established friendship/relationship that exists. Which I am very thankful for, without it I would have a part of me missing, a part of my past not being there, which I would hate. I am in no way regretting anything in how I've act because if I could go back in the past, I would still do everything the same. I would still fool myself, you would still carry on with your 'projects' and 'hobbies'. We'll still have entertaining conversations and entertaining memories. And I'll be completely ablunder. It'll be okay. Don't you think?
This how I feel, not neccessarily when I'm around a crowd but it does happen to be how I feel at the moment. It'll pass.
:garlen: