Explianing some things about myself
When i was growing up i was not allowed to wonder farther then one or two houses down the street. There was not a time before i was 11 when i had a friend. But i was still a happy child.
I would spend most of my days, and most of my time in my room alone. Never socializing, not talking to anyone. And when i played and imagined playing i didn't talk to anyone much then either. It was always about how something worked, or what something does. I always daydreamed about interesting parts of interesting vehicles and the parts of those parts and what they did. I would fantasize about engines and physics and developing new things that did new and interesting things...when i was 5-10.
One of my favorite things to do when i was 8 was build time machines in my closet. I have this long narrow closet in my room that is great for a one or two seat cockpit. I also had a lot of toys and lots of shapes. I would spend one or two hours building the different parts required to make the time machine work. 30 minutes obsessing over the controls and what they did. And sometimes i would take it all apart because i was not satisfied it would work at all. Then i would fantasize about going back in time and getting stuck due to something breaking. And having to meticulously take everything apart to find the problem, and put everything back exactly the way it was or it wouldn't work! lol god that was fun. That would be an entire day for me. And it was never about really the adventure as much as the work of fixing something.
My mother told me that she knew that even though i didn't say anything i understood everything that was happening. My parents use to fight with each other nearly every day. But it was never anything worse then shouting and yelling and making a racket. However any loud noise, specifically slamming doors drives me mad in an instant these days. I don't know if those are related but i sometimes think so.
So i grew up without social connections. When i was a teen and i began to have feelings that Needed to be expressed. My parents got devoiced and i was bouncing between houses on a weekly basis. Accusations were flying at both parents... from both parents and i was stuck in the middle of it all. ahh good times!
So i began to write. i wrote poetry, it was deeply expressive, and short. I could burst forth my rage or describe a moment of reprieve. And i didn't have to share it with anyone, and i didn't want to. When everyone was trying to use me as a tool to hurt other people... i wanted to be able to say things that would not hurt anyone. Because most of the time i don't want to hurt anything at all. Even now i don't particularly like the idea of sharing my poetry with anyone. But i do it because little by little I've stopped believing that everything i say hurts other people. But i am still phobic of that happening. 99% of my poetry is not written with other people in mind. Its just me doing something that makes me feel like I've said something. i guess thats why i write so often here to. It almost does not matter that anyone gets to see it. I just want to feel like i have said something.
Maybe i am a coward for not expressing myself in front of other people. Maybe i am still a recluse for not understanding why i feel lonely when i am around people all the time. And why i feel fine when i am alone. Maybe i am a nerd for wanting to do a job that lets me build and design things endlessly... But to me everything in the world seems pretty straight forward. Everything happens for a reason.
