(no subject)
well, things in the recent past have gotten a lot better, but things have also not been so great. Everything I look forward to, whether it be for the day, month or year, always gets shit on and turned into a giant dissappointment. I'm so fucking sick of it. When will the day come when I can be excited about something that can't be turned into a disappointment for me? I really would like to know. It's just all such fucking bullshit. I'm so sick of living my life this way. Always out to please other people, and even when I'm excited for something for myself that I thought there was no possibility of them taking away, someone else is always right there to make me feel like shit about it. I'm just so fed up with all this. It's neverending. I've made myself into such a better person this past year. I've done so much good for myself. I've gotten out of really really hard situations and I thought I put myself into a perfectly amazing situation. But apparently not. And I'm not one to be all "WOE is ME!!!" but sometimes it really feels that way. I put everyone and everything before myself. I always kinda thought by doing that it'd help me get ahead in life. But no. It just sets the stage with myself as the floor boards so everyone can just walk across it. But I don't know how to be assertive. I'm always afraid I'll hurt someone in some way or another. I just can't deal with either me being hurt all the time, and if it's not me being hurt it's someone else that is becayse of me. It's like no matter when when I'm around there's hurt in somne form or another, weather it be anger, saddness, wahtever. I give up. I've got notyhing to look forward to but going to jail for some bullshit stuff. great. and then even when I get out who knows what my life will be? I guess it's not even worth getting excited to get out of jail once I'mn in there cuz everything's going to be so different. I'm so sick of changing always. I don;t fit anywhere. Maybe I'[ll fit in in jail. Maybe that;'s my destiny in life. to be a fucking jail bird. wonderful.