Recovery from the maelstrom
I feel guilty for loving someone else as much as or maybe even more than I loved you.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty over this, moving on is a good thing.
I also feel guilty for still having romantic feelings for you now that I'm with someone else.
But I can't force them to stop.
All I can do is not actively engage with you. But that doesn't make the feelings go away.
Sometimes things will happen that make me think of you.
Sometimes I think of you for absolutely no reason at all.
I fail to understand how I can miss the harsh conditions we endured when we were together.
And I don't just mean no AC while living in the garage in the summer of Florida.
I mean the explosive fights we had, accompanied by circular arguments that never came to a conclusion.
The tension we felt not just emotionally but physically.
Disappointment after disappointment.
Foul after foul committed to each other when we stepped outside the boundaries of monogamy.
You almost had me convinced that I'm one of those people who needs to feed on some kind of drama in order to carry on.
In order to feel significant or useful. I'm still not convinced that I'm not that way.
My relationship now is calm, caring, forgiving, patient and secure.
But I often find myself thinking of you when snuggling up with the current focus of my affections.
I miss being in your arms, you holding me. You were strong enough to lift me, move me and even throw me into chaos.
That's usually where I was. Caught in the middle of a maelstrom that I felt I couldn't escape. I was drowning.
I couldn't speak because of the water in my mouth. Even if I could, I wouldn't have been heard over love's violent roar.
You couldn't make that call, so I had to get out alone and without your blessing.
I know these feelings will never fully go away. But experience has taught me that the passing of time will cauterize the wounds.
Maybe then I'll be able to fully focus on the treasure I've found.
Instead of second guessing my decision and letting the "what if?" seize me in place.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty over this, moving on is a good thing.
I also feel guilty for still having romantic feelings for you now that I'm with someone else.
But I can't force them to stop.
All I can do is not actively engage with you. But that doesn't make the feelings go away.
Sometimes things will happen that make me think of you.
Sometimes I think of you for absolutely no reason at all.
I fail to understand how I can miss the harsh conditions we endured when we were together.
And I don't just mean no AC while living in the garage in the summer of Florida.
I mean the explosive fights we had, accompanied by circular arguments that never came to a conclusion.
The tension we felt not just emotionally but physically.
Disappointment after disappointment.
Foul after foul committed to each other when we stepped outside the boundaries of monogamy.
You almost had me convinced that I'm one of those people who needs to feed on some kind of drama in order to carry on.
In order to feel significant or useful. I'm still not convinced that I'm not that way.
My relationship now is calm, caring, forgiving, patient and secure.
But I often find myself thinking of you when snuggling up with the current focus of my affections.
I miss being in your arms, you holding me. You were strong enough to lift me, move me and even throw me into chaos.
That's usually where I was. Caught in the middle of a maelstrom that I felt I couldn't escape. I was drowning.
I couldn't speak because of the water in my mouth. Even if I could, I wouldn't have been heard over love's violent roar.
You couldn't make that call, so I had to get out alone and without your blessing.
I know these feelings will never fully go away. But experience has taught me that the passing of time will cauterize the wounds.
Maybe then I'll be able to fully focus on the treasure I've found.
Instead of second guessing my decision and letting the "what if?" seize me in place.