Don't give it a reason
I'm entirely hooked on Imogen Heaps song "Canvas". It describes how I feel. About caring about someone but not having the strength to keep them up as well as yourself.
I feel like I'm standing at the center of a fast spinning carousel and everything is just swirling around me. It's taking all I've got to keep things in my bubble from spinning out of control. So I don't care as much as I normally would about everything else.
Maybe that's why I haven't really been worried about things lately. Perhaps all of those late night talks with Gary have finally started to pay off. Discussions about existentialism, really. To let go of all the crap going on that I have no control over.
Perhaps I need to just forget what everyone else is trying to load on me and go at my own pace. My mom has really been bothering me about things lately. Like arranging my bedroom. I'm still trying to figure out how to best utilize the space.
I just applied for a few jobs today since I haven't heard anything from the office I use to work in. They were going to touch base with the office here in Tampa for me but I haven't heard anymore. Just EMailed them again, we'll see.
I'm wracked with guilt. I feel Anthony slipping away into the depths of just memory and it kills me. He was such a prominent feature in my life and now he's fading into the background. But I chose this. In a way, so did he. It's hard. I feel like I should feel worse about it. That I shouldn't be able to function like I am. I don't know how to interpret it. Oh great, now the water works start. 9_9
Our quality time together was grocery shopping and cooking dinner together at the end of the day. I cried a little when I went to the grocery store with mom when I first got down here. I had come to an isle and saw something that I wanted to ask him about. I turned to see if he was there and then it dawned on me that he wouldn't be. We weren't together anymore. He'd never be there again to argue with me about the merits of Rye bread. Or to bring a package of cookies to the cart for me to cringe and ask him to put it back so I didn't eat bad things.
I don't like living in my own head. I obsess over things I shouldn't. It gets really irritating to have the same film on repeat in your head every day. You start trying to pick out things you never noticed before and over analyze it to death.
I'm not relying on other people as much as I use to either. I guess I see how I've changed compared to how others have changed. I'm bitter. More bitter. I see that I've become more like my mother than I ever intended to. I don't know what to think of that.
I also feel myself falling for someone. It's too soon for that. I find myself mulling over him quite a bit. And trying to reach out to him before I can stop myself. It has me very nervous. I promised myself I wouldn't get into anything serious this soon. It's too soon. It isn't what I need. As strange as it will sound, I see him in shadows. It's a comfort. I refuse to rebound on someone. I'm not going to do that, especially not to him. It's cruel and unnecessary and I'm sure would mess me up further than what I already am. Pacing myself is difficult because I'm so damn impatient. I think at times I'm impatient because I get tired of hearing the voices in my head that yearn for something so I try to achieve what they're yearning for as quickly as possible to shut them up. But they're never really quiet. They just find something else to want.
I miss being intimate with someone. Not just sex. Being intimate in general. Which is something Anthony and I didn't do often. He was always busy. He didn't take the time to just sit down with me and talk. About nothing in particular, just enjoy each other's company. That never happened unless we were with family. And he never really seemed to bask in that glow as I do.
I need to be with someone who can. I want a family some day and I want the father to be able to sit down and enjoy the company of his wife and kids even if it isn't for very long. It's something that needs to be done. He needs to be able to look on them with admiration instead of contempt for interrupting something else he's involved in. There are so many tricks to achieving that. You have to step just so to keep it alive. You have to step just so just to start it. You have to have your shit together from the start. Because if the foundation isn't strong, you don't stand a chance. So every brick has to be laid carefully.
Give it no reason to crumble. It's hard enough fighting the outside odds.
I feel like I'm standing at the center of a fast spinning carousel and everything is just swirling around me. It's taking all I've got to keep things in my bubble from spinning out of control. So I don't care as much as I normally would about everything else.
Maybe that's why I haven't really been worried about things lately. Perhaps all of those late night talks with Gary have finally started to pay off. Discussions about existentialism, really. To let go of all the crap going on that I have no control over.
Perhaps I need to just forget what everyone else is trying to load on me and go at my own pace. My mom has really been bothering me about things lately. Like arranging my bedroom. I'm still trying to figure out how to best utilize the space.
I just applied for a few jobs today since I haven't heard anything from the office I use to work in. They were going to touch base with the office here in Tampa for me but I haven't heard anymore. Just EMailed them again, we'll see.
I'm wracked with guilt. I feel Anthony slipping away into the depths of just memory and it kills me. He was such a prominent feature in my life and now he's fading into the background. But I chose this. In a way, so did he. It's hard. I feel like I should feel worse about it. That I shouldn't be able to function like I am. I don't know how to interpret it. Oh great, now the water works start. 9_9
Our quality time together was grocery shopping and cooking dinner together at the end of the day. I cried a little when I went to the grocery store with mom when I first got down here. I had come to an isle and saw something that I wanted to ask him about. I turned to see if he was there and then it dawned on me that he wouldn't be. We weren't together anymore. He'd never be there again to argue with me about the merits of Rye bread. Or to bring a package of cookies to the cart for me to cringe and ask him to put it back so I didn't eat bad things.
I don't like living in my own head. I obsess over things I shouldn't. It gets really irritating to have the same film on repeat in your head every day. You start trying to pick out things you never noticed before and over analyze it to death.
I'm not relying on other people as much as I use to either. I guess I see how I've changed compared to how others have changed. I'm bitter. More bitter. I see that I've become more like my mother than I ever intended to. I don't know what to think of that.
I also feel myself falling for someone. It's too soon for that. I find myself mulling over him quite a bit. And trying to reach out to him before I can stop myself. It has me very nervous. I promised myself I wouldn't get into anything serious this soon. It's too soon. It isn't what I need. As strange as it will sound, I see him in shadows. It's a comfort. I refuse to rebound on someone. I'm not going to do that, especially not to him. It's cruel and unnecessary and I'm sure would mess me up further than what I already am. Pacing myself is difficult because I'm so damn impatient. I think at times I'm impatient because I get tired of hearing the voices in my head that yearn for something so I try to achieve what they're yearning for as quickly as possible to shut them up. But they're never really quiet. They just find something else to want.
I miss being intimate with someone. Not just sex. Being intimate in general. Which is something Anthony and I didn't do often. He was always busy. He didn't take the time to just sit down with me and talk. About nothing in particular, just enjoy each other's company. That never happened unless we were with family. And he never really seemed to bask in that glow as I do.
I need to be with someone who can. I want a family some day and I want the father to be able to sit down and enjoy the company of his wife and kids even if it isn't for very long. It's something that needs to be done. He needs to be able to look on them with admiration instead of contempt for interrupting something else he's involved in. There are so many tricks to achieving that. You have to step just so to keep it alive. You have to step just so just to start it. You have to have your shit together from the start. Because if the foundation isn't strong, you don't stand a chance. So every brick has to be laid carefully.
Give it no reason to crumble. It's hard enough fighting the outside odds.