Loss and Love
Coming up on the big move which will be happening this Saturday. Almost all of my things are packed. I'm worried about my car still because the brakes still squeek. I'm just hoping Dad is on my side on this journey. I feel like he'll be taking care of me.
In sorting through my things, I came across pictures of dad I did not know I had, a birthday card with a hand written note enclosed from my grandfather and notes/drawings that I received from high school friends over the years. Most of who I no longer talk to or keep in touch with anymore, including my former best friend. I've been missing her a lot lately because I find it difficult to have a connection like I had with her with anyone else. But she is not the same person anymore. None of them are. It makes me wonder how I've changed since I see that all of them have.
I've discarded a lot of things or I'm leaving them behind because I don't feel they are important enough to bring back.
It's been almost like a cleansing process to begin getting over my relationship.
I even tried cleaning out the links under my favorites, but alas, any loss I've suffered has popped up in front of me this week. So inevitably, I happened across Scott's blog. And I was reminded of the irony in the fact that he got a tattoo which said "BLAM BLAM BLAM" and the way he left this world had to do with a bullet he put in his own head.
It's very hard letting go, especially when I still have feelings for my former s.o.. But I knew I could not feel things going forward with the way they were and he did not take any initiatives to make things better. So it was not meant to be. At least not now. Which, I'm a bit relieved.
I need to find love again. Love with a passion that stirrs the soul every time you meet the gaze of that special someone. The gaze that says, "You're the only one for me, I'll love you forever." It's a feeling of pure adoration, unconditional love and a never ending well of compassion and desire. Self sacrificing, mind boggling love. Beautiful in it's chaos and disaster.
I understand that I will probably have to wait for that for a long time. But for me it's important to hold on to that ideal so that I don't lower my standards anymore. I have a horrible habit of ignoring the red flags and proceeding anyway into the danger zone and getting hurt later. The cycle has to stop somewhere.
But I also have a lot of growing to do. A lot of learning to undergo and a lot of patience to acquire.
Frustration and aggrivation, here I come.
In sorting through my things, I came across pictures of dad I did not know I had, a birthday card with a hand written note enclosed from my grandfather and notes/drawings that I received from high school friends over the years. Most of who I no longer talk to or keep in touch with anymore, including my former best friend. I've been missing her a lot lately because I find it difficult to have a connection like I had with her with anyone else. But she is not the same person anymore. None of them are. It makes me wonder how I've changed since I see that all of them have.
I've discarded a lot of things or I'm leaving them behind because I don't feel they are important enough to bring back.
It's been almost like a cleansing process to begin getting over my relationship.
I even tried cleaning out the links under my favorites, but alas, any loss I've suffered has popped up in front of me this week. So inevitably, I happened across Scott's blog. And I was reminded of the irony in the fact that he got a tattoo which said "BLAM BLAM BLAM" and the way he left this world had to do with a bullet he put in his own head.
It's very hard letting go, especially when I still have feelings for my former s.o.. But I knew I could not feel things going forward with the way they were and he did not take any initiatives to make things better. So it was not meant to be. At least not now. Which, I'm a bit relieved.
I need to find love again. Love with a passion that stirrs the soul every time you meet the gaze of that special someone. The gaze that says, "You're the only one for me, I'll love you forever." It's a feeling of pure adoration, unconditional love and a never ending well of compassion and desire. Self sacrificing, mind boggling love. Beautiful in it's chaos and disaster.
I understand that I will probably have to wait for that for a long time. But for me it's important to hold on to that ideal so that I don't lower my standards anymore. I have a horrible habit of ignoring the red flags and proceeding anyway into the danger zone and getting hurt later. The cycle has to stop somewhere.
But I also have a lot of growing to do. A lot of learning to undergo and a lot of patience to acquire.
Frustration and aggrivation, here I come.