So, I tried posting this in my personal journal, but no one gave a crap, so hopefully someone here will be willing to help me out, yeah
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I like reading it, even if I know how the story goes. I needed a little bit of time to get into this version, but I got the hang of it towards the end.
Just the names Gene and Victor don't really appeal to me, but that may be because I'm not used to them. They sound a bit like old names to me, and a little cliche for the characters they are used for.
In the first paragraph, you use "I'd say" twice. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but if it's not, I would change the second one. Because it's not a common expression, so I wouldn't use it too much.
And sometimes, you use a lot of comma's in your sentences. Like this: He was barely irritated, but something told me he liked it, and of course, I liked it, but that’s why I hated it. Four in one sentence seems a bit much. Because comma's break your sentences into parts, but you have to be careful that your story still reads fluently. For example: So, finally, I said, I think you could drop the comma between "so" and "finally" without losing any effect.
Love love love it
anonymous
November 12 2008, 04:10:14 UTC
Reciprocate is one of my all-time favourite fics, and this is fantastic too. Sorry, I don't have any constructive criticism, just fannish appreciation. Are you going to write more on this? I hope so.
Comments 3
Just the names Gene and Victor don't really appeal to me, but that may be because I'm not used to them. They sound a bit like old names to me, and a little cliche for the characters they are used for.
In the first paragraph, you use "I'd say" twice. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but if it's not, I would change the second one. Because it's not a common expression, so I wouldn't use it too much.
And sometimes, you use a lot of comma's in your sentences. Like this:
He was barely irritated, but something told me he liked it, and of course, I liked it, but that’s why I hated it.
Four in one sentence seems a bit much. Because comma's break your sentences into parts, but you have to be careful that your story still reads fluently.
For example:
So, finally, I said,
I think you could drop the comma between "so" and "finally" without losing any effect.
And one final thing:
( ... )
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