i didnt even realize....

[noelle810]

so, two years ago today, i was sporting an awesomely bad new haircut, searching for my black shoes that i wore to my 9th grade formal, and getting over the fact that i was the only one of my friends without a gold tassel. yes, two years ago today i walked across mustang stadium as a member of the graduating class of 2003 from dobson high. if someone had come to me on that day and showed me where i would be and what i was doing now... it would have been the most depressing thing ever. well, the first thing i would have said would probably have been "wait, im having sex now? well thank god for that", but then i would have thought, what the fuck happened to me? dont get me wrong. im glad that i was brave enough to break away from my friends and try to be my own person. its what makes me different from others whom shall not be named, but maybe people like shawn and erinn. unlike them, i decided not to just follow the pack so that i wouldnt be all alone. however, i didnt anticipate falling flat on my face and failing miserably. well, maybe i did. the point is, now im working full time at a $7 an hour job dating a guy who prides himself on his managerial position at circle k (located on college and baseline). i do love chris, and lord knows i wouldnt trade the blessing of having kylie come into my life for anything....but at the same time, i know that if that day at in-n-out, if i had just made the other choice and packed up my life to go to tucson, i would be successfully going inot my 3rd year at a university, i would have friends, and a sense of accomplishment. and yet, i know that i would also wonder if i would ever be able to anything all my own, without relying on those that had been my support system since i was 13. so heres the internal struggle. which is worse, knowing that i could have been everything i wanted to be, but achieving it only through the dependency of everyone but myself, or trying to be my own person and end up being pretty satisfied with a nice helping of shame for all that was lost? when will i be strong enough to take my life into my own hands, without fear, and do everything that i know i need to do in order to be happy? i dont know. but what keeps me going is knowing that one day, when i have finally overcome everything, i will be able to look back and know that it wasnt easy, it wasnt without struggle and decisions, and that it was something that i truly wanted, because ive seen how easy it is to let it all go. and most impotantly, it will be something that ive done on my own, in my own time, and not for anyone but myself. and its not as if i havent dont anything in the last two years. ive always said that having a family was most important to me, and i have gained so much knowledge and experience on what it takes to be a mother. but anywho.

this is where im at right now. i dont know exactly where im going, i dont know exactly what im doing, but hopefully ill end up in the right place before i die.