ребенок--Baby
What a tumultuous week. It's insane how emotions can change so easily. I was certain for the longest time that my feelings were set in stone. I don't like kids. I don't love kids. I don't want to be a mommy! Then morning sickness came (did it leave....of course not.) Two days later we're wandering the malls crying over baby clothes and trying out strollers. I don't think anyone can ever be ready for the incredible onslought of love you can feel for a part of your body that you've never even met yet. I'm so happy that any baby we bring into this world will be bathed in such a monumental amount of love. It makes me feel sad for babies who don't have aunts who will fight over babysitting and grandfathers who cry when they find out you might be living inside their daughter. Sigh. I"m scared to death to take another test incase it comes out negative. Beside the naseau and cramping and headaches and the perpetual state of emergency peeing i feel like i've been instilled with the knowledge that life is in there. What if i'm wrong? Will i ever be able to trust myself again. God forbid i miscarriage? I can't do that. Those are the things i'm most afraid of. That i could make a life and fate could snatch it up. I think i'm a lot stronger of a person than i used to be. Very much so. But i know that i couldn't easily survive sadness that huge. Just the idea that something could happen anywhere down the line makes me so wary. Still, i know God wants us to have a baby now and i'm so SO sure that it's this baby. I dont know how i know these things and i still have doubts. Will i be eating my words later? I don;'t think so.
The world of baby is a new world that i know nothing about. Most likely because i've so often avoided that subject like the plague. Babies interfere with workouts. Babies interfere with mommy/daddy time. Babies. Will i work? Will i still have a life? What about myself? will i forget all the things that i love? But then there is the glorious joy of introduction! My baby can love "the cat returns." It can read "runaway bunny" I can teach it to read when it's four, just like me. So many scary things and yet just one tiny little grain of promise can wipe away all of them. Josiah is an antsy man and so i've taken two suuuuuuuuper early test that both said negative. I'm waiting till the sixth to put any stock in what i beleive. I can't beleive the amount of knowledge i've sponged up in the past few days (probably to make up for the lack of food!) Sitting at work the other day i chanced pineapple yogurt ( my faaaavorite) and found that it naseauted me horribly. Not yogurt.... Don't even get me started on the smells and tastes of everything. So far, i can do veggies, i can do organic choco milk, cottage cheese is okay. I don't eat enough anyway and i'm worried i wont be able to keep up enough with this growing baby. It's a little frightening how fast the body changes. My likes and dislikes (so much more dislikes) have changed seemingly overnight. Sweating, back aches...will i ever leave the bathroom? Is this what it's all going to be like? Then why am i so happy. I really am happy. Not normal happy....Calm, happy, secret happy.
God chooses the worst times to teach patience. I hate being patience. Do you now me? then you know i'm the least patient person on this plantet! Beyond the cool facade of smarts and anwsers is raging impatience. Now! Now! Now! I want it all now! Especially the truth. I wish that i could know the truth about all things. Will i do things that give my child a bad day? will i hurts its feelings unwittingly? Will i hate it sometimes. I hope not. Pray not. This new year will be the most intresting that i've had yet.
We've decided if for some reason, this baby in me now...is not the one for us. We're going to keep trying until we get one. It feels like a scary new chapter that i'm about to embark on. For once i'm almost advocating reading the ending first! No, thats not how books are written. Sigh, we all get page #'s. I wonder what page # i'm on now? I should be just about on week 4, chapter 4. Did you know by week 8 there are already fingers and toes? I don't know what is happening to me but i love every second of every scary minute of it. I wish that this well of love was deep enough to make me love myself. Sometimes i feel like i've tripped and fell in a deep dark hole and love for my husband and family is the only thing that gets me out. That or pain. I hope that this helps to make me a little more sober and a little more lucid. I don't want any more incidents. I don't want to cut when there is a baby inside me. I don't want to feel sad when there is something that so badly needs all my love. I'm faithful in myself and God. Someone up there surely must know what they are doing or else i couldn't have been buried under this avalanche of confusion and still be so contentedly pleased.
Three days into the new year and i feel magnificently different then ever before. We (?) feel different then ever before. Even if cirumstance has created some cruel lie for me to beleive i dont want to forget any of it. I'm definetly to ready to share myself with someone new. I don't think the love i have for my husband can be kept for me only anymore.
I'm ready : )
The world of baby is a new world that i know nothing about. Most likely because i've so often avoided that subject like the plague. Babies interfere with workouts. Babies interfere with mommy/daddy time. Babies. Will i work? Will i still have a life? What about myself? will i forget all the things that i love? But then there is the glorious joy of introduction! My baby can love "the cat returns." It can read "runaway bunny" I can teach it to read when it's four, just like me. So many scary things and yet just one tiny little grain of promise can wipe away all of them. Josiah is an antsy man and so i've taken two suuuuuuuuper early test that both said negative. I'm waiting till the sixth to put any stock in what i beleive. I can't beleive the amount of knowledge i've sponged up in the past few days (probably to make up for the lack of food!) Sitting at work the other day i chanced pineapple yogurt ( my faaaavorite) and found that it naseauted me horribly. Not yogurt.... Don't even get me started on the smells and tastes of everything. So far, i can do veggies, i can do organic choco milk, cottage cheese is okay. I don't eat enough anyway and i'm worried i wont be able to keep up enough with this growing baby. It's a little frightening how fast the body changes. My likes and dislikes (so much more dislikes) have changed seemingly overnight. Sweating, back aches...will i ever leave the bathroom? Is this what it's all going to be like? Then why am i so happy. I really am happy. Not normal happy....Calm, happy, secret happy.
God chooses the worst times to teach patience. I hate being patience. Do you now me? then you know i'm the least patient person on this plantet! Beyond the cool facade of smarts and anwsers is raging impatience. Now! Now! Now! I want it all now! Especially the truth. I wish that i could know the truth about all things. Will i do things that give my child a bad day? will i hurts its feelings unwittingly? Will i hate it sometimes. I hope not. Pray not. This new year will be the most intresting that i've had yet.
We've decided if for some reason, this baby in me now...is not the one for us. We're going to keep trying until we get one. It feels like a scary new chapter that i'm about to embark on. For once i'm almost advocating reading the ending first! No, thats not how books are written. Sigh, we all get page #'s. I wonder what page # i'm on now? I should be just about on week 4, chapter 4. Did you know by week 8 there are already fingers and toes? I don't know what is happening to me but i love every second of every scary minute of it. I wish that this well of love was deep enough to make me love myself. Sometimes i feel like i've tripped and fell in a deep dark hole and love for my husband and family is the only thing that gets me out. That or pain. I hope that this helps to make me a little more sober and a little more lucid. I don't want any more incidents. I don't want to cut when there is a baby inside me. I don't want to feel sad when there is something that so badly needs all my love. I'm faithful in myself and God. Someone up there surely must know what they are doing or else i couldn't have been buried under this avalanche of confusion and still be so contentedly pleased.
Three days into the new year and i feel magnificently different then ever before. We (?) feel different then ever before. Even if cirumstance has created some cruel lie for me to beleive i dont want to forget any of it. I'm definetly to ready to share myself with someone new. I don't think the love i have for my husband can be kept for me only anymore.
I'm ready : )