Fizzle... Pop!
Ok, all moved in with Jeff at his house with his roommates for the time being. We've had to push our moving date back until Sept as it would seem that none of the places we wanted to rent from will have anything available until then. I don't really mind. It does suck having to move twice in under a month's time, but I'd rather be moving forward with all of this than sitting around on my thumbs waiting as I have been. I hate waiting, but I know it's good for me to practice some patience; I don't have nearly enough. Well... I'm pretty patient with people, but I think that's only because I feel I have to be. I rarely expect rational or understandable behaviour from human beings, so I treat them (and the crazy things they say) with the same mild indifference you would with a small child or a terminally ill friend. As with one who does not "know any better." I wish I could say that my stumbling in communication occurs because I'm smarter than everyone else, but I know it's because I've never made the sort of deep, lasting bonds with anyone like most of the world has. "on the outside looking in" I guess would be most apt.
I'm so fried in my mind right now with all that's going on I'm not making much sense today. Or at least I'm not being very consistant with the sense I'm making; jumping from one thought to another. I'm being very precise with each and every thought I bother to spend any time at all on. And that is good because it means I'll be less likely to make mistakes and much more rational when making decisions (especially when it comes to other people). It is bad because everything I just said about why it's good has "in theory" at the end. It is also bad because it means that I'll be a bit emotionless for a while. I'll end up doing what needs to be done as opposed to doing what I'd prefer to do. Two things that sound like they ought to have the same connotations, but (for me) have vastly different meanings.
I don't know what I want or what I need, but I'm determined to experiment until I find what makes the most sense. I'm a bit exhausted. I feel completely in the dark and cut off from everyone I know. I have no access to anyone's thoughts on anything and it's far too much of a chore to ask anyone to explain themselves. I can't understand what people are saying even though we all speak the same language; it's infuriating.
Why can't people ever say what they mean? We spend colossal amounts of energy on trying to find the right words and using every word that comes to mind in the meantime hoping that the listener will grasp the gist of what they're trying to say somewhere along the way or we say nothing at all out of fear of miscommunication. And while I'm a firm believer in thought before speech, there really ought to be restrictions on how long one is allowed to "think about it." But that could be just me being impatient again.
I hate feeling locked into this code of behaviours simply because it was what I saw and copied when I was a child in order to find, as we all seek, acceptance. Not just because I feel some need to rebel against the system, but because I don't understand it. I have no desire to alienate myself from the populace anymore than I already am, I just want to understand. I want to know why some people are nice and why some are inherently evil. What are people so afraid of? If it's acceptance and love that people want, why do we not take the proper steps toward it? Why do we balk at the prospect of real love? Why are we so mistrustful of those who would willingly accept us for who we are? Why is it that whenever we have exactly what we wanted (and needed) in front of us does our entire universe come crashing in on itself? We destroy everything with worry and doubt.
Why can't we ever say what we mean?
I'm so fried in my mind right now with all that's going on I'm not making much sense today. Or at least I'm not being very consistant with the sense I'm making; jumping from one thought to another. I'm being very precise with each and every thought I bother to spend any time at all on. And that is good because it means I'll be less likely to make mistakes and much more rational when making decisions (especially when it comes to other people). It is bad because everything I just said about why it's good has "in theory" at the end. It is also bad because it means that I'll be a bit emotionless for a while. I'll end up doing what needs to be done as opposed to doing what I'd prefer to do. Two things that sound like they ought to have the same connotations, but (for me) have vastly different meanings.
I don't know what I want or what I need, but I'm determined to experiment until I find what makes the most sense. I'm a bit exhausted. I feel completely in the dark and cut off from everyone I know. I have no access to anyone's thoughts on anything and it's far too much of a chore to ask anyone to explain themselves. I can't understand what people are saying even though we all speak the same language; it's infuriating.
Why can't people ever say what they mean? We spend colossal amounts of energy on trying to find the right words and using every word that comes to mind in the meantime hoping that the listener will grasp the gist of what they're trying to say somewhere along the way or we say nothing at all out of fear of miscommunication. And while I'm a firm believer in thought before speech, there really ought to be restrictions on how long one is allowed to "think about it." But that could be just me being impatient again.
I hate feeling locked into this code of behaviours simply because it was what I saw and copied when I was a child in order to find, as we all seek, acceptance. Not just because I feel some need to rebel against the system, but because I don't understand it. I have no desire to alienate myself from the populace anymore than I already am, I just want to understand. I want to know why some people are nice and why some are inherently evil. What are people so afraid of? If it's acceptance and love that people want, why do we not take the proper steps toward it? Why do we balk at the prospect of real love? Why are we so mistrustful of those who would willingly accept us for who we are? Why is it that whenever we have exactly what we wanted (and needed) in front of us does our entire universe come crashing in on itself? We destroy everything with worry and doubt.
Why can't we ever say what we mean?