Apr 07, 2009 22:01
I'm gonna start posting interesting stories on here
and NOT TELL ANYONE!
that way, you are FORCED to read my livejournal
and hopefully inspired to post on your own so this site had meaning for me.
so a couple of days ago,
i got out of work at 2 pm
i was supposed to get off at 12 pm but some bitch called in and got fired
so we all have to cover her shift for the raminder of this week and last week.
so i call home when I'm done
no answer
my mom, no answer, she's at work.
my sister, at work.
and i know my grandma is out and about with my uncles and i don't have ANY of their numbers.
i'm fucked.
so i decide to WASTE MY MONEY
which i really shouldn't be doing
and go to ihop
because i think a mcdonalds fillet-o-fish would just worsen the situation
(shut up, they're good)
i'm sitting there texting jeff and caroline among some others
and my mom calls me,
"where are you?"
"I'm at ihop"
"With who?"
"No one i feel misserable, come join me, you don't have to eat or pay, just coem."
after a semi long argument she comes in and watches me stuff my face.
holy shit.
hella good. i think I've just been REALLY hungry.
and so my moms just there,
we don't really ever talk.
so i do somethign bold.
i start telling her if i could ask her stuff about relationships
she doens't understand (my spanishs pretty fucking bad)
and i explain to her how my friend caroline
has been having boy trouble
and she asks her friends for advice which is what i do,
but then when she has no last resort she goes to her parents and her parents always give her the best advice.
so i told her,
"And you know, it's just not the same with you,
i mean i can't tell you about my relationships, because of our 'situation'.
well...can i? that's what I'm asking..."
she pretty much said something among these lines:
"well if i give you advice on what to do,
then that means i agree with what you're doing
and you know i can't do that."
so, i'm eating french fries when she says this
and I'm looking down at the plate with these big ass fries
and a mountain of ketchup ready to be dipped into,
and i start eating ALOT
i mean one after another,
with alot of ketchup,
i don't say anything,
just keep eating,
not really thinking about,
i wouldn't even finish chewing the one before i would put another one in my mouth,
i was just kind of thinking about what she said,
but really just focusing on the french fries...
i don't what the fuck was going on...
so i run out of frenhc fries,
seriously like 20 in like a minute,
my mouth's full and i look up at my mom
and she's looking at me like i'm insane,
i have my mouth full of french fries
chewing,
and i lok at the plate,
and i start crying.
...and I'm a little scared.
wtf just happened?
i knew i was crying about what my mom said,
but i was more mad that i didn't have the fries...
guys...
this is serious.
i cannot be that person.
i cannot.
stress eating?
seriously!?
urgh.
i'm gonna be fat.
holy shit.
so we keep talking about it,
and i start using the hashbrowns as my feeling output.
she tells me things like:
"You know?...the 2 things that bother me more than anything as a mother, is that people are horrible out there, you could get hurt, and most importantly, where you're gonna end up when you die"
reffering to ...1st corinthians chapter 6...verse? like 6 or 7 or something
is says
"don't you know that the unrighteous will not inhabit the kingdom of God? like liars and gays and stuff"
hahaha ok, so that's anot an actual translation, but it;s something among those lines.
after she says tha SHE starts crying.
i'm thinking.
SERIOUSLY!?!?!?
seriously?
it's so sad that she's CONVINSED that i'm going to hell,
100 percent convinced.
and i can understnbad her worries,
yet when i tell her that it's not a choice, she shakes her head saying
"yes it is, yes it is"
like a 5 year old! she might as well cover her ears and close her eyes and say it over and over.
We talked about how it hurts her that she can't tell her sister, who she tells everything to.
and we started talking about how i really don't care about my reputation with my family
and how if it made her feel better to tell her to tell her,
i really don't care what they think of me.
"I've had people closer to me than my family neglect me for being gay, mom."
is actually what i said.
then we talked baout this one time when she picked me up from school and some guys in a turck drove by yelling "faggot" i remember that day, but didn't think of it as any importance,
well my mom brough it up.
she said, "what about that time when i picked you up and those kids yelled all that bad stuff at you?"
i told her how i am SO used to it by this point,
"Mom, i've dealt with that all my life, i mean a long time."
i had a feeling she was rolling her eyes, trying to say 'oh you've barely lived, what a couple of years? 4 or 5 tops.'
but i wish she understood.
when i was little,
up until i was 11, i slept in teh same bed with my mom, because it was me and her, my sister, and my grandma, and we had a big bed and a small bed.
my grandma needs more room so her and sister slept in the same bed,
and me and my mom slept in the small one,
i would curl up against the wall and cuddle with it in a ball.
so frequently at school kids would mock me about being gay,
the concept was very well understood at a young age in the city.
it was hard back then,
REALLY hard, i mean growing up with mockery really fucks a person up, ya know?
i would cry once a week in bed,
my mom would hear me sometimes and ask me what's wrong, i would make up some bullshit,
really small stuff like something about buffy the vampire slayer,
or a video game i was losing in,
or a nightmare,
or my cousins being jerks.
i dunno just random shit.
she bought it,
she thought i had severe depression.
i told her sitting there at ihop,
"mom,I've been dealing with this shit for so long!
remember all those nights when i was little and i would cry SO much in bed all those night?
i would tell you the stupides things,
but really it was because i didn't want to be that way, i wanted to be normal. Everyone was making fun of me, every body, i had no friends in elementary mom, people thought i was disgusting. i've been dealing with it since then, so if you REALLY think that it's something I've wanted to live through, you're wrong. Would i seriously be putting myself through all this torture for all thsoe years. no! i wouldn't."
she had this face like she couldn't believe it for a second, and then it went away.
we went back to the root of teh conversation,
and i told her about jeff, and how (at the time) i was going on dates with him
and i really liekd him.
that was seriously the toughest thign to say,
and it bothered me, others tell their parents when they meet a boy or girl the DAY OF!
they run home from school and tell tehir mom about this boy sitting across from them in psychology and how they made eye contact and how he's really cute and their mom has this proud face on, and says something encouraging like, "don't make a fool of yourself"
or
"you should talk to him!"
or
"wear a condom" (farfetched i know)
i mean, at least that's what my interpetation of a family is.
and i can't ever do that without there being yelling and crying and fights bursting out for the following weeks.
=/
it's really sad.
I WANT to have a good relationship with my mom, specially now that i'm leaving.
i mean, i hate my dad, don't want ANYTHINg to do with him.
how could i pass up an opportunity to have this with my mom?
i avidly TRY to talk to her, and sit by her.
today for example,
she was sitting in the living room eating and watching tv,
and i sat with her with my plate and tried talking to her about school, and the soap she was watching.
it lasted like 30 seconds.
then my grandma walked in and they both ganged up on me about how I'm missing school.
we were sitting there peacefully and it went to the shitter,
"if ya'll are seriously gonna do this every time I'm in a room with you, then you wonder why I never talk to you guys!"
(I'm being very blunt with them lately.)
so i walked away threw my plate of DELICIOUS food on the sink and came to the comp.
some of us just don't get that opportunity to have a great reationship with our parents
because of things that are out of our control.
consider this as inspiration if you have to.
if you CAN make an effort, do it.
I've never told my mom that i love her out of the blue.
and she's never said it to me.
when i hear people get off the pone with their parents and the last thign they say is, "i love you too"
i get bothered and jealous.
to have that feeling acknowledged every day must make them feel warm inside...
i bet.
ok
i'm crying.
"this is too chicken soup for the teenage soul for me"
hahaha
i love allie.