LJ Idol - Week 12
My entry in 
therealljidol writing contest: Topic #12: Some Assembly Required
Dear Whomever is in Charge of the Universe:
I'm sure you're very skilled at what you do - I see evidence of your handiwork every day. And for the most part, I think your creations are very innovative, inspired, and intact.
However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to navigate daily life without an instruction manual. It appears I came without one and trust me, I've looked everywhere; it's simply not here. I hoped to download one online like I did when I bought that leaf-wrangling thing at an estate sale and couldn't figure out how to convert it from a "sucker" to a "blower" without swearing; but quite frankly, your internet presence is sorely lacking. How on earth do you expect to function in this day and age without a website?
Anyway. There are quite a few situations in which I am uncertain of the appropriate reaction or response due to the above-mentioned missing manual, but for the sake of brevity, I'll offer just a few examples:
Driving related issues:
Nodressrehersal
therealljidol writing contest: Topic #12: Some Assembly Required
Dear Whomever is in Charge of the Universe:
I'm sure you're very skilled at what you do - I see evidence of your handiwork every day. And for the most part, I think your creations are very innovative, inspired, and intact.
However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to navigate daily life without an instruction manual. It appears I came without one and trust me, I've looked everywhere; it's simply not here. I hoped to download one online like I did when I bought that leaf-wrangling thing at an estate sale and couldn't figure out how to convert it from a "sucker" to a "blower" without swearing; but quite frankly, your internet presence is sorely lacking. How on earth do you expect to function in this day and age without a website?
Anyway. There are quite a few situations in which I am uncertain of the appropriate reaction or response due to the above-mentioned missing manual, but for the sake of brevity, I'll offer just a few examples:
Driving related issues:
- I don't know whether I am supposed to honk, offer an index finger, or roll down my window and scream obscenities at the driver of the third vehicle to pass underneath the red light when THE GREEN ARROW CLEARLY INDICATES THAT IT'S MY TURN TO GO!
- May I dilly-dally for a few annoying seconds at a red light if the person behind me *HONKS* the very second the light turns green? If so, I assume this can be done without incurring even a titch of bad karma.
- Is it permissible to make a citizen's arrest upon witnessing someone weighing a small bunch of grapes, applying the price sticker, and then adding fistfuls of bunches of grapes to their already-priced bag? And if it's permissible, do you recommend flashing a badge or speaking like Gomer Pyle?
- May I turn my cart into the equivalent of a bumper car when another shopper positions her cart at a jaunty angle mid-aisle and blocks the only route around it with her fat-ass self as she talks loudly on her cell phone about how there's no WAY she's going to let that bitch get away with dissing her crabmeat salad like that?
- Must I listen to a know-it-all neighbor yammer on and on about what I should be doing differently in the garden, or may I squirt him fully in the face with my garden hose? If it matters, I could set the dial to "cloud burst" rather than "gutter cleaning."
- Is it acceptable to fetch the poop left on the lawn by the dog up the street and return it to its rightful owner? And if so, must I bag it (and if I bag it, can I ignite it?) or can I use it as an adhesive to attach a note to the front door saying, "You forgot your dog's poop, shithead."
Nodressrehersal