will it drag me down...
it was the last day of the school year today. im going to be a senior next year. quite a day. quite the past couple weeks really. i havent been in the best mood for those weeks, so i figured id take it up on the journal. for starters, two weeks ago, veronica and i broke up. she called me and basically told me that i just dont seem to have time for her because of the other obligations i had. i agreed with her, and that was that. we went out for only about three months or something. we were just friends from that moment on. a couple days later, she tells me that her and one of my best friends, my guitarist ryan, are starting to like each other. i told her that it was none of my business since we werent in a relationship anymore, and that it was her choice. she meant well, and didnt want to hurt me, and it didnt for a while. i told her and i told myself that i was not going to be like every other guy and even care about what an ex-g/f does with other guys because youve got to realize that its over. after a while though, even now, i see them together and they seem pretty damn happy, and for some reason im actually starting to care about what they do. its hard cuz she was my first, and ive never experienced a relationship before. i just didnt want it to end, but ive accepted the fact that i just cant do anything about it, because that would seem un-human. speaking of my guitartist... it seems that insurrection will probly be no more soon enough. its just a feeling, but i fear that the very thing that enlightened me over a year ago will just fade. after a show on may 7th, the bassist quit the band, which was cool with us because he dragged us down. but a couple days later, shawn and ryan tell me that tim, my best friend, was wanting to be pure black metal, instead of having mixed influences. he also didnt like my vocals, and he thought we played 'happy' music and shit. we had to kick him out. he was probly going to quit anyways. a week later, we found another kick ass drummer, but we still need a bassist. as of now though, we arent making much progress, and its all got me thinking that there will just be no more band soon. same thing with my job. i dont know why, but somehow i get the feeling im going to be fired from a damn decent job. ive just made a few mistakes lately cuz im so fuckin burnt out from all of this shit goin on right now, and im just afraid of losing all of it. but, if there was a brighter side to this, it would be that i bought my own muscle car on may 8th, the day after our last show. man, that was such a great weekend before it all hit rock bottom. but yea, i bought a 1968 Chevorlet Chevelle on that day. i went to pick it up, and since then, ive had the thing up and running like the beautiful piece of machinery that it is. that things my only pride and joy right now, and its one of few things that keep me going. other than that, i feel like my life is going to be the way it was before i even knew the band. and that kind of life was just badly immeasurable. i dont know when im going to overcome all of this, or when it might all get better, but hopefully it will be good soon. all i can do is wait for some miracle to bring me back to the good life. hopefully soon...