at His feet
Note: this started off as a post about bowing, kneeling, and otherwise being at Master's feet. It has morphed into a history of how we met and eventually became who we are. I'm not sure how it happened. I guess I just felt that talking about kneeling needed background. So here goes...
A year ago, I could never have imagined myself feeling a desire to kneel to any man. I could perhaps see myself doing it, mayyyyyyyyybe, but not really feeling a need to do so.
Over the last year, I have done a lot of spiritual work that isn't tantra, but can perhaps best be alluded to in that way. And I learned to recognize and respect the divine in every other human being, no matter who they were, whether I liked them, whether they royally PISSED ME OFF. I learned to say namaste truly and from my heart. The divine in me truly does salute the divine in others.
And then... along came Master. Well, He wasn't Master at that time. Neither of us knew what was to become.
We were friends on LJ for a qute a while, but due to a variety of circumstances, I never took Him seriously as anything but someone fun to spar with in comments. He was obviously very intelligent, but far too guarded for us to be even close friends. Time went on, and I developed a fondness for Him, and even a crush, though I knew better than to allow myself to think of Him as anything more than some guy on LJ. I likened it to watching a tiger; I can be enamored of their beauty and strength, but I know better than to try to pet one.
Over time, though, I saw his change. I saw more and more of the humanity showing through the armor. We interacted more frequently. Our comment threads were miles long. When He finally asked if He could email me, I was torn. I was very attracted, but was so sure it was a bad idea to act on that. I gave him an email address that didn't have my full name attached to it. And I added him on IM.
Our first night of IM, we literally stayed up until dawn, talking about everything. We flirted and sparred, daring each other to cross lines, dancing around what was obviously a strong attraction and a surprising (to me) compatibility in what we wanted out of life and in partners. He teased me and he baited me, and I resisted saying what was on my mind, until one night, I couldn't stand it any more. I finally told Him I wanted to meet Him.
He said he had been waiting for me to say that, and that He wanted to meet me, too. I found out later that the black-hearted devil (meaning Master) had deliberately worked to make me break all of my rules about not approaching men and tell Him I wanted to meet him. He further told me that as he saw it happening, it was incredibly erotic, and He experienced certain... errrmmm... physical manifestations as He watched me struggle with myself and then give in to His unspoken desires. I tell Him I am still mad about that, but the truth is, I find it incredibly exciting that even back then, He was exerting His will over me.
We agreed to meet, having already discussed that if we were physically attracted to each other, that we would be together. Our stated goal was marriage and forever prior to our even meeting. We knew it was just theoretical, but we both had hopes. In essence, we were planning an arranged marriage. We knew our values were compatible, and we liked each other's miinds and ways of expressing ourselves. We just needed to make sure that the packaging worked, as it were.
So we agreed to meet. The waiting was endless and frightening. I was quite sure He wouldn't like me. As soon as I saw Him at the airport, I knew I could love Him. I just had to allow myself to do so. But would He want me? Sheer terror.
As it turned out, He DID!
We have been inseperable ever since, and the DS dynamic has been growing between us. I've always known I wanted a man who was stronger than I, and that is damned strong. I recognized His strength from long before I considered Him as a potential partner. But I had no idea of the depth of His desire to dominate. Nor had He.
And now, close to two years after we first 'met' on LJ, the place I long to be is at His feet. He is my Lord, my Love, my Truth, my Protector. He is my Master.