This is the way that I say I need you
Title: This is the way that I say I need you
Rating: PG
Pairing: KyuMin,
Genre: Angst
Summary: Kyuhyun, who lived alone, was going through a phase when suddenly Sungmin comes into his life. Now all the things that's keeping him sane has been taken away again. How come Sungmin has a big effect in Kyuhyun's life?
“You have to take this anti depressant to control your moods. Take it once a day before you go to sleep. This is part of your therapy so it’s very important for you to take this.”
Kyuhyun nodded and took pills his doctor gave him. He went out if the clinic and saw that sunset has passed. He held to his coat tightly, trying to fight the cold and walked home. When he got back to his apartment, he hanged his coat and took off his scarf. He took out a loaf of bread from the cabinet, a jar of marmalade and headed straight to the living room. He turned on the tv and tried to listen to the documentary as he spread some marmalade onto his bread.
It become a routine for him to do this. The pictures on the tv screen gives out a dim light to the room and Kyuhyun doesn’t even bother turning on the lights. He’s been living in darkness for weeks. He doesn’t really mind. He doesn’t really care. All the frames around the apartment where the pictures used to be are all empty. Except this one near the couch... and for some reason it’s face down.
After finishing the documentary, Kyuhyun stretched out his arms and legs. He walked to the kitchen to drink one pill of the anti-depressant the doctor advised to him. Then he took off his clothes and went to bed.
----
Another morning I don’t want to have, another suffering throughout the day.
That’s the thought that always comes into Kyuhyun’s mind when he wakes up and sees the ceiling above him.
“Why wouldn’t you want the morning to come?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes widened when he heard a voice. He looked at his right and saw someone lying on the other side of the bed, looking at him.
“You act like you saw a ghost?” the guy asked.
Kyuhyun still can’t react. [No, I must be dreaming. How can he..] “Who are you?!”
“It’s me... Sungmin.”
Kyuhyun stood up and went to the bathroom to take his morning shower. He kept shaking his head, still can’t believe what’s happening.
[No... of course he’s not real. How can he be ...no...] He continued doing his daily routine, brushing his teeth, taking a shower... but when he came out, Sungmin was still there, sitting on his bed this time.
“You still look nice after a shower...”
Kyuhyun was confused about what to feel. He can’t understand if his mind’s playing games on him or what but it’s making him angry.
“Why are you here?”
“You tell me,” Sungmin replied nonchalantly.
Kyuhyun frowned and just dressed up. After that he went to the kitchen. As he was taking an apple, Sungmin noticed something at the side table near the couch.
“Why do you have this face down?” he asked.
“Don’t touch it,” Kyuhyun said without even looking. He then took his leather sling bag and went out of the apartment.
[He’s not here. He’s not here. He’s not here.]
Kyuhyun repeated that line and never looked back as he went his way onto work. He got onto the building where his office is, took the stairs and finally reached his working station. He works as a programmer. He set his bag onto his table and opened his computer. When he turned around, his heart almost jumped when he saw Sungmin leaning on his cubicle.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“You tell me,” Sungmin replied the same manner he said before.
“People will see you!”
“Hey, Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun was surprised to see his boss, Heechul, walking towards them. He kept thinking how he would explain Sungmin’s presence to his hyung because he’s not suppose to be he-
“Just finish the encoding for this program,” Heechul handed him a folder and walked away.
Kyuhyun watched Heechul walk away like nothing had happened. Then his other officemates were arriving for the day and walked past them. None of them were bothering to look at him nor at Sungmin. He looked at his hyung who just shrugged at him.
[They can’t see him?]
Same thing happened the next day. Sungmin would be everywhere he would go and no one noticed his hyung. So that night, inside his apartment...
“What would you want to eat?” Kyuhyun asked.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Something to drink?”
“Not thirsty either.”
Kyuhyun sighed.
“Can you try lifting this cup?”
Sungmin tried to lift it but his hand went past it.
“Seems I can’t.”
“Are you a ghost???”
“I don’t think so.” Sungmin shook his head.
Kyuhyun went to Sungmin to grab his hyung’s hand but he can’t touch him. There was no other sensation. It was like trying to grasp air. But Sungmin was just standing in front of him.
“Why are you haunting me?” Kyuhyun asked.
Sungmin’s face suddenly got serious. His forehead were creased and his eyes were looking at the carpeted floor like he was searching for something.
“I... don’t know.”
-----
Kyuhyun hated seeing Sungmin. He hated how his hyung would follow him around. He hated the way Sungmin’s clothes never changes. He hated the way Sungmin smiles at him when he suddenly gets clumsy. He hates the fact that when he eats his bread at night, Sungmin’s just there, watching the tv with him. He hates that the light coming from the tv makes Sungmin’s skin glow.
He hates the fact that he’s starting to get used to this.
After a month, Kyuhyun went back to his doctor for his monthly therapy.
“How are you, Kyuhyun?” Jung Soo, his psychologist, asked.
“I think I’m doing well,” Kyuhyun said as he lied on the couch.
“You do look much better today. Did something happen to you lately.”
“I... I don’t think so.”
“Looks like something’s bothering you.”
“I think I might be seeing things.”
“What do you mean?”
Kyuhyun saw that Sungmin was sitting at the foot of the couch near his feet, smiling at him.
“I think I’m seeing him again,” Kyuhyun said as he didn’t take away his gaze from Sungmin’s smile.
------
Kyuhyun was walking home. Hugging his jacket tighter around his body, he looked up and saw the snow falling.
“First day of snow... do you remember, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin said behind him.
Kyuhyun ignored his hyung and continued walking.
“The pill’s purpose is to make you feel better. It makes your brain order your body to release some serotonin.. and I guess it’s effect on you is hallucination.” Jung Soo explained.
“When will I stop taking it?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Actually, I cannot give you another supply because you’re only suppose to take it for a month.”
“Do you have an idea on how long the medicine could stay on my body?”
“Most probably 2 weeks.”
When Kyuhyun got home, the first thing he went to was the kitchento check out the calendar. And then he took a marker and wrote an X on the day 2 weeks after that day.
“Why are you doing that, Kyuhyun?”
“It’s none of your business.”
Next day, Kyuhyun went to Heechul’s office.
“What’s this?” Heechul asked as he looked at the small envelope Kyuhyun passed to him.
“Resignation letter, Sir.”
“Are you sure?”
Kyuhyun only nodded. “I’m sorry if I have to do it immediately Sir, I don’t really care much for the back pay, I just have to leave.”
“Why so sudden?”
“Personal reasons, Sir.”
----
Kyuhyun then took out his luggage and filled it with his clothes.
“What are you doing, Kyuhyun, are you going away?”
“You’ll coming with me anyway, so don’t worry,” He looked back at Sungmin with a smile.
----
Kyuhyun sat on a bus and looked out the window.
“Thank you for buying seats for two, Kyuhyun,” Sungmin said who sat beside him.
“No problem.”
Kyuhyun’s heart was beating fast. It’s been a while since he’ll be returning to his homeland. To the place where he used to live. He plans to stay there for more than a week.
It seems to be the right time to do this.
----
1st day.
Kyuhyun decided to go around town and visit the first memorable place.
He saw that it still looked the same.
“Isn’t this the place where we first met?” Sungmin said.
“Yeah... and I was so wasted that day,” Kyuhyun looked up at the blue, sunny sky.
Kyuhyun was looking up at the twilight, rainy sky.
He was walking on his way home from his part time job and was feeling really bad. He’s been working tons of part time jobs to support himself and somehow, it has taken it’s toll. He has been skipping meals to save and now he’s feeling a bit feverish. He had to hold on to the walls of the houses on the street he’s passing because his vision’s starting to show white spots. He suddenly felt dizzy that he had to stop and sit down for a while. But he had to move, the rain’s not stopping and soon enough he’ll be drenched. He tried to stand up again but the whirling sensation only worsened. He lost his balance and was about to fall on the ground when in just the nick of time, someone caught him.
Kyuhyun waited for his eyes to adjust and saw it was a guy.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Kyuhyun tried to take in a deep breath and he got a whiff of tea. But before he can answer, his mind had gone blank and eventually passed out.
When he opened his eyes, he found himself lying on a bed, in a very bright room.
“Oh! You’re up!”
Kyuhyun squinted and saw this guy smiling at him.
“The doctor said you were suffering from hypoglycemia... your blood pressure suddenly dropped due to the absence of sugar or at least that’s what he said. Do you still feel dizzy?”
[Shit.] Kyuhyun thought. The first thing that came to his mind was how he was going to pay for the hospital bills.
“By the way my name is Lee Sungmin. I’m from the same University as you. I’m under-“
“Shut up, I don’t care. Just... go away!”
Sungmin was surprised by how the sick boy acted but then someone came into the room. It seems it was Kyuhyun’s mother.
“You worthless kid. Now you get sick?”
“Excuse me?” Sungmin replied.
“Who’s this, your servant?” the old lady continued.
“Ma’am, I don’t mean any kind of disrespect but your son’s sick.”
“He’s not my son, he’s just a trash my husband has. I can’t believe you still put your father under your emergency contact list. Here’s the money for your stupid sickness!”
And the woman threw a leather bag onto Kyuhyun’s feet on the bed.
“If ever I hear you asking money from my husband again I am going to kill you myself.”
And the woman went out of the private room.
Kyuhyun took the bag and then threw the money on the closed door. Then he covered his face with his hand.
“Kyuhyun...” Sungmin tried to touch Kyuhyun’s shoulder but before he could, his dongsaeng glared at him.
“You shouldn’t have helped me.”
“B-but you collapsed on the street and it was raini-“
“That’s none of your business!”
“But-“
“SHUT UP!”
“Kyuhyun-“
Kyuhyun grabbed Sungmin’s collar.
“I SAID SHUT UP!”
“I WON’T SHUT UP!” Sungmin finally shouted back.
Kyuhyun clenched his jaw tightly.
"I CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU NEEDED HELP!" Sungmin explained
"SO WHAT? YOU COULD HAVE JUST LEFT ME THERE!"
"AM I NOT ALLOWED TO CARE?!"
"NO! BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!”
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin held his dongsaeng's hands who were starting to let go of his collar.
Kyuhyun covered his face in his arms..
"Go away...please..."
Sungmin took Kyuhyun's arm and pulled it. Then he saw Kyuhyun’s helpless face. His dongsaeng’s face were all red and he was biting his lower lip to stop from whimpering.
Sungmin then hugged him. Kyuhyun tried to push him away but Sungmin just made it tighter. They stayed in that position until Kyuhyun gave in.
The next day, Sungmin came back to visit Kyuhyun again.
“Why are you here again?” Kyuhyun asked as he looked at the window, seeing the sunny morning. But the delicious scent of the food was what made him look at his visitor.
“I brought some food, the doctor said that your over fatigued and you didn’t look like you were eating well so I thought I’d bring so-“
“You’re here because you pity me, don’t you?”
“What? I don’t pi-“
“Thank you.” Kyuhyun smiled weakly.
Kyuhyun took the porridge Sungmin brought for him and ate it with gusto.
“So why did you help me that day?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Well, there was a really cute guy and he was in distress so I thought...” Sungmin stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Kyuhyun was staring at him.
Kyuhyun desperately wished he could place his head on Sungmin’s shoulder right then.
----
Kyuhyun went back to the University he and Sungmin used to go in. He was still studying Information Technology then while Sungmin was in Liberal Arts. Two different worlds, two completely different beings...
Yet they were able to find each other.
Kyuhyun walked through the park and sat on what used to be their favorite spot, under the cherry blossom tree.
“It feels like nothing has changed,” Sungmin said beside Kyuhyun.
“Yeah...” Kyuhyun breathed the fresh air in.
“So why here... did something happen here?”
It was right on that spot where Kyuhyun used to sit and watch Sungmin talk to his friends. That bench was adjacent to the picnic table where Sungmin’s group used to have their meetings. It was also their organization’s hanging out place. After the hospital scenario, he wanted to stay in touch with Sungmin. But he didn’t had enough reason. Then one day he was passing by and saw that picnic table where his hyung was always in. He always sat on that bench in hopes that somehow, Sungmin would notice him.
Usually Kyuhyun would have a sinking feeling in his stomach. Everytime he sits there, the more he learns about Sungmin. He’s always nice to people, he always have someone talking to him, he always laughs shyly but looks so happy.. it was amazing how his hyung fits with everybody.
Then he would remember that day on how Sungmin took care of him in the hospital. He hated it there, that’s for sure. But what made it bearable was Sungmin and his scent. He seems to have this distinct scent that smells like tea. A bit on the sweet side but relaxing anyway. He missed breathing that scent in. He actually thinks that was what made him feel better.
One time it took a long time for Sungmin to arrive that Kyuhyun decided to read a book. Suddenly a can of juice was placed in front of his eyes. He looked up and there was Sungmin, smiling at him.
“I always saw you here. How are you...?”
“I-I’m fine...” Kyuhyun was able to muster from his surprise.
“Is that a good book?”
“Actually I started.”
“Oh...”
“SUNGMIN!”
They both looked at where the voice came from. Some of Sungmin’s classmates was already calling him to join them.
"Well I got to go."
Sungmin stood up and was about to walk but Kyuhyun had this desperate feeling. Just when his hyung noticed him and smiled at him, he wants more, he wants to take his attention, some more of his hyung’s time. Kyuhyun was so desperate that it was reflex that made him raise his arm and reach out for Sungmin’s back. But before he could touch Sungmin, his hyung turned around and held his hand.
“Is something wrong...?”
Kyuhyun’s book fell from his lap and onto the ground but he didn’t bother looking at it. There he was, sitting on the bench, Sungmin holding his hand, looking at him with a concerned smile. His heart beat fast and he didn’t know what to say. He just stared right back at Sungmin, trying to send the message his heart wanted to say.
For some reason, it seemed Sungmin got it.
“Well, I don’t really have to hang out with them.” Then Sungmin turned to his classmates, “SORRY! I’M BUSY. MAYBE NEXT TIME!” He waved. Then he sat beside Kyuhyun and picked his book for him. They stayed in that bench all afternoon. Not talking, just smiling.
No one dared to let go of each other’s hand.
And that was the time Kyuhyun completely fell for Sungmin.
----
That same week, Kyuhyun went back to the University. This time he went to the back of the Auditorium.
“You’re really trying to bring back the memories, aren’t you?” Sungmin asked.
“There’s nothing wrong if I do so.”
After graduation, Kyuhyun asked Sungmin to meet on that place. It was their last day at the University and were about to part ways.
“Congratulations to you,” Sungmin said as he offered his hand so Kyuhyun could shake it.
“Congratulations to you as well,” Kyuhyun shook hands and they both laughed.
No one was around and it was the perfect time to say what he needed to say.
“Sungmin hyung...?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
Sungmin sighed. Which made Kyuhyun panic.
[Shit. He doesn’t...] Kyuhyun thought and brushed his hair.
“I’m sorry if I had to say it but it’s the last day and we’ll be parting and-“
“Why did you only say it now?” Sungmin asked.
“Huh?”
“It’s too late!”
“What do you mean?”
“We could have enjoyed our college years being a couple and yet you only decided to say it now Kyuhyun! ARGH, I HATE YOU!”
“Y-you feel the same way?”
“I thought we’re just friends! I thought you only wanted to be friends!”
“Sungmin hyung...”
“Now it’s too late! We’ll be parting today and...”
“I love you.”
“Can you make love mean something instead?!”
Kyuhyun smiled and pulled Sungmin’s hand to make his hyung lean forward to him. Finally he kissed him.
----
After 2 weeks, Kyuhyun went back to his apartment. He looked at the calendar and saw that the day today was marked as X. He laid down his luggage and sat on the couch. Then he took the frame from the side table that was faced down.
It was a picture of him and Sungmin when they first moved into that apartment 2 years ago. They looked so happy. Kyuhyun had his arm around Sungmin while his hyung did a “V” sign at the camera. Kyuhyun placed the picture frame on the coffee table in front of him and stood up.
He went out and went to a drugstore. And then when he was on his way back home, he made a detour. His legs felt weak as he tried walking on that street, his mind and body was trying to reject what he wants but he moved forward anyway, until he finally reached the intersection.
Kyuhyun looked up and saw it was snowing.
“First day of snow... do you remember, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin said behind him.
Kyuhyun and Sungmin was about to take a vacation. They packed their suitcases and was ready to go.
“Are you sure you have everything ready?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Yup! Oh wait, the plane tickets!” Sungmin ran back to the apartment.
Kyuhyun was so happy that they’ll finally have that break they’ve been wanting to have. Since they moved into the city, they both worked hard. Finally, they have earned enough money to take that long overdue vacation.
“I got it! I got it!” Sungmin said as he ran towards the car and almost slipped on the slippery street. Good thing Kyuhyun was waiting outside the car and was able to hold him.
“Careful...”
“Sorry... let’s go!” Sungmin said cheerily and rode on the passenger seat.
Kyuhyun then happily went to the driver’s seat and start the car.
“Seatbelts,” Kyuhyun said as he attached his and started to drive.
“Hold on.. I’m just arranging our tickets...”
“Come on, Min-ah, wear the seatbelts first before you do that...”
“Hold oooon....” Sungmin was arranging the papers and the tickets when Kyuhyun tried to get the ticket from his hyung’s hand.
“Kyuhyun!”
“Wear your seatbe-“
But before he can finish, something happened.
The road they were on was on green. Kyuhyun made the car move to pass onto the next lane. But there was a swivering car coming from their left. When Kyuhyun got the chance to see it, it was too late.
Kyuhyun held on to the lamp post as he started to have a panic attack. He was sweating all over even if the temperature was so cold.
“Kyuhyun, let’s go home.”
When he got back, he took a bottle of wine from the cabinet and then walked his way onto the bedroom. There he thew on the bed the pill container of sleeping pills he bought from the drug store. Kyuhyun opened the red wine and the pill container. He sat on the bed, took two sleeping pills then drank the wine straight from the bottle.
“Kyuhyun what are you doing?”
Kyuhyun disregarded his hyung’s voice and drank the pills by two.
"Kyu-ah, please don't do this."
Sungmin tried to stop Kyuhyun’s arm but failed.
"Kyuhyun... please."
After drinking 20 pills, he stopped for a while.
"I dont want just this,” Kyuhyun said.
“But this is not the way to deal with it. You’re not doing it right!”
"Even it was just for a few years, I was happy by your side. But I'd rather see you smiling to me while the sun is high, rather than have you smiling just because I imagined you to."
"Kyuhyun, please..."
“After today, If I continued just the way I am, I won’t be seeing you again.”
“You just have to accept it, Kyuhyun. You can do it!”
“I’m sorry.”
Kyuhyun then resumed to drinking the rest of the sleeping pills.
“Kyuhyun, please stop this,” Sungmin started to choke on his own words. But his dongsaeng just continued. When Kyuhyun was finished, he took of his shoes and lied on the bed. His stomach seemed uncomfortable since he drank a lot but he stopped himself from throwing up. He just looked up at the ceiling and waited for it to take effect.
“Why did you do this..?”
Kyuhyun turned his head and saw Sungmin lying beside him. He suddenly remembered how Sungmin looked after the accident. He was injured badly and fell into a coma. But the Sungmin beside him now was looking back at him, crying.
"I miss hearing your laughter,” Kyuhyun smiled weakly.
This made Sungmin cry even more. Kyuhyun hated the fact that he can only stare. No matter how much he tried to reach out, he can’t touch the person he loved most. His mind just kept on playing tricks on him. It seems he knows Sungmin too well. He has already memorized every emotion his hyung would do and for the past 2 months, it was like he’s remembering it all. And now that he has done something awful, it was the same. The kind hearted Sungmin was getting hurt because of the selfish thing he had to do to keep himself happy.
30 Minutes later, Kyuhyun finally felt his eyelids were getting heavy. Tears then started pouring out of his eyes as he smiled at Sungmin.
“Min-ah...I’ll meet you soon.”
Sungmin, despite of the tear stricken face, smiled back at him.
And when Kyuhyun finally closed his eyes, he was able to smell the scent of tea again.
Rating: PG
Pairing: KyuMin,
Genre: Angst
Summary: Kyuhyun, who lived alone, was going through a phase when suddenly Sungmin comes into his life. Now all the things that's keeping him sane has been taken away again. How come Sungmin has a big effect in Kyuhyun's life?
“You have to take this anti depressant to control your moods. Take it once a day before you go to sleep. This is part of your therapy so it’s very important for you to take this.”
Kyuhyun nodded and took pills his doctor gave him. He went out if the clinic and saw that sunset has passed. He held to his coat tightly, trying to fight the cold and walked home. When he got back to his apartment, he hanged his coat and took off his scarf. He took out a loaf of bread from the cabinet, a jar of marmalade and headed straight to the living room. He turned on the tv and tried to listen to the documentary as he spread some marmalade onto his bread.
It become a routine for him to do this. The pictures on the tv screen gives out a dim light to the room and Kyuhyun doesn’t even bother turning on the lights. He’s been living in darkness for weeks. He doesn’t really mind. He doesn’t really care. All the frames around the apartment where the pictures used to be are all empty. Except this one near the couch... and for some reason it’s face down.
After finishing the documentary, Kyuhyun stretched out his arms and legs. He walked to the kitchen to drink one pill of the anti-depressant the doctor advised to him. Then he took off his clothes and went to bed.
----
Another morning I don’t want to have, another suffering throughout the day.
That’s the thought that always comes into Kyuhyun’s mind when he wakes up and sees the ceiling above him.
“Why wouldn’t you want the morning to come?”
Kyuhyun’s eyes widened when he heard a voice. He looked at his right and saw someone lying on the other side of the bed, looking at him.
“You act like you saw a ghost?” the guy asked.
Kyuhyun still can’t react. [No, I must be dreaming. How can he..] “Who are you?!”
“It’s me... Sungmin.”
Kyuhyun stood up and went to the bathroom to take his morning shower. He kept shaking his head, still can’t believe what’s happening.
[No... of course he’s not real. How can he be ...no...] He continued doing his daily routine, brushing his teeth, taking a shower... but when he came out, Sungmin was still there, sitting on his bed this time.
“You still look nice after a shower...”
Kyuhyun was confused about what to feel. He can’t understand if his mind’s playing games on him or what but it’s making him angry.
“Why are you here?”
“You tell me,” Sungmin replied nonchalantly.
Kyuhyun frowned and just dressed up. After that he went to the kitchen. As he was taking an apple, Sungmin noticed something at the side table near the couch.
“Why do you have this face down?” he asked.
“Don’t touch it,” Kyuhyun said without even looking. He then took his leather sling bag and went out of the apartment.
[He’s not here. He’s not here. He’s not here.]
Kyuhyun repeated that line and never looked back as he went his way onto work. He got onto the building where his office is, took the stairs and finally reached his working station. He works as a programmer. He set his bag onto his table and opened his computer. When he turned around, his heart almost jumped when he saw Sungmin leaning on his cubicle.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“You tell me,” Sungmin replied the same manner he said before.
“People will see you!”
“Hey, Kyuhyun.”
Kyuhyun was surprised to see his boss, Heechul, walking towards them. He kept thinking how he would explain Sungmin’s presence to his hyung because he’s not suppose to be he-
“Just finish the encoding for this program,” Heechul handed him a folder and walked away.
Kyuhyun watched Heechul walk away like nothing had happened. Then his other officemates were arriving for the day and walked past them. None of them were bothering to look at him nor at Sungmin. He looked at his hyung who just shrugged at him.
[They can’t see him?]
Same thing happened the next day. Sungmin would be everywhere he would go and no one noticed his hyung. So that night, inside his apartment...
“What would you want to eat?” Kyuhyun asked.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Something to drink?”
“Not thirsty either.”
Kyuhyun sighed.
“Can you try lifting this cup?”
Sungmin tried to lift it but his hand went past it.
“Seems I can’t.”
“Are you a ghost???”
“I don’t think so.” Sungmin shook his head.
Kyuhyun went to Sungmin to grab his hyung’s hand but he can’t touch him. There was no other sensation. It was like trying to grasp air. But Sungmin was just standing in front of him.
“Why are you haunting me?” Kyuhyun asked.
Sungmin’s face suddenly got serious. His forehead were creased and his eyes were looking at the carpeted floor like he was searching for something.
“I... don’t know.”
-----
Kyuhyun hated seeing Sungmin. He hated how his hyung would follow him around. He hated the way Sungmin’s clothes never changes. He hated the way Sungmin smiles at him when he suddenly gets clumsy. He hates the fact that when he eats his bread at night, Sungmin’s just there, watching the tv with him. He hates that the light coming from the tv makes Sungmin’s skin glow.
He hates the fact that he’s starting to get used to this.
After a month, Kyuhyun went back to his doctor for his monthly therapy.
“How are you, Kyuhyun?” Jung Soo, his psychologist, asked.
“I think I’m doing well,” Kyuhyun said as he lied on the couch.
“You do look much better today. Did something happen to you lately.”
“I... I don’t think so.”
“Looks like something’s bothering you.”
“I think I might be seeing things.”
“What do you mean?”
Kyuhyun saw that Sungmin was sitting at the foot of the couch near his feet, smiling at him.
“I think I’m seeing him again,” Kyuhyun said as he didn’t take away his gaze from Sungmin’s smile.
------
Kyuhyun was walking home. Hugging his jacket tighter around his body, he looked up and saw the snow falling.
“First day of snow... do you remember, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin said behind him.
Kyuhyun ignored his hyung and continued walking.
“The pill’s purpose is to make you feel better. It makes your brain order your body to release some serotonin.. and I guess it’s effect on you is hallucination.” Jung Soo explained.
“When will I stop taking it?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Actually, I cannot give you another supply because you’re only suppose to take it for a month.”
“Do you have an idea on how long the medicine could stay on my body?”
“Most probably 2 weeks.”
When Kyuhyun got home, the first thing he went to was the kitchento check out the calendar. And then he took a marker and wrote an X on the day 2 weeks after that day.
“Why are you doing that, Kyuhyun?”
“It’s none of your business.”
Next day, Kyuhyun went to Heechul’s office.
“What’s this?” Heechul asked as he looked at the small envelope Kyuhyun passed to him.
“Resignation letter, Sir.”
“Are you sure?”
Kyuhyun only nodded. “I’m sorry if I have to do it immediately Sir, I don’t really care much for the back pay, I just have to leave.”
“Why so sudden?”
“Personal reasons, Sir.”
----
Kyuhyun then took out his luggage and filled it with his clothes.
“What are you doing, Kyuhyun, are you going away?”
“You’ll coming with me anyway, so don’t worry,” He looked back at Sungmin with a smile.
----
Kyuhyun sat on a bus and looked out the window.
“Thank you for buying seats for two, Kyuhyun,” Sungmin said who sat beside him.
“No problem.”
Kyuhyun’s heart was beating fast. It’s been a while since he’ll be returning to his homeland. To the place where he used to live. He plans to stay there for more than a week.
It seems to be the right time to do this.
----
1st day.
Kyuhyun decided to go around town and visit the first memorable place.
He saw that it still looked the same.
“Isn’t this the place where we first met?” Sungmin said.
“Yeah... and I was so wasted that day,” Kyuhyun looked up at the blue, sunny sky.
Kyuhyun was looking up at the twilight, rainy sky.
He was walking on his way home from his part time job and was feeling really bad. He’s been working tons of part time jobs to support himself and somehow, it has taken it’s toll. He has been skipping meals to save and now he’s feeling a bit feverish. He had to hold on to the walls of the houses on the street he’s passing because his vision’s starting to show white spots. He suddenly felt dizzy that he had to stop and sit down for a while. But he had to move, the rain’s not stopping and soon enough he’ll be drenched. He tried to stand up again but the whirling sensation only worsened. He lost his balance and was about to fall on the ground when in just the nick of time, someone caught him.
Kyuhyun waited for his eyes to adjust and saw it was a guy.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Kyuhyun tried to take in a deep breath and he got a whiff of tea. But before he can answer, his mind had gone blank and eventually passed out.
When he opened his eyes, he found himself lying on a bed, in a very bright room.
“Oh! You’re up!”
Kyuhyun squinted and saw this guy smiling at him.
“The doctor said you were suffering from hypoglycemia... your blood pressure suddenly dropped due to the absence of sugar or at least that’s what he said. Do you still feel dizzy?”
[Shit.] Kyuhyun thought. The first thing that came to his mind was how he was going to pay for the hospital bills.
“By the way my name is Lee Sungmin. I’m from the same University as you. I’m under-“
“Shut up, I don’t care. Just... go away!”
Sungmin was surprised by how the sick boy acted but then someone came into the room. It seems it was Kyuhyun’s mother.
“You worthless kid. Now you get sick?”
“Excuse me?” Sungmin replied.
“Who’s this, your servant?” the old lady continued.
“Ma’am, I don’t mean any kind of disrespect but your son’s sick.”
“He’s not my son, he’s just a trash my husband has. I can’t believe you still put your father under your emergency contact list. Here’s the money for your stupid sickness!”
And the woman threw a leather bag onto Kyuhyun’s feet on the bed.
“If ever I hear you asking money from my husband again I am going to kill you myself.”
And the woman went out of the private room.
Kyuhyun took the bag and then threw the money on the closed door. Then he covered his face with his hand.
“Kyuhyun...” Sungmin tried to touch Kyuhyun’s shoulder but before he could, his dongsaeng glared at him.
“You shouldn’t have helped me.”
“B-but you collapsed on the street and it was raini-“
“That’s none of your business!”
“But-“
“SHUT UP!”
“Kyuhyun-“
Kyuhyun grabbed Sungmin’s collar.
“I SAID SHUT UP!”
“I WON’T SHUT UP!” Sungmin finally shouted back.
Kyuhyun clenched his jaw tightly.
"I CAN'T JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE LIKE THAT BECAUSE YOU NEEDED HELP!" Sungmin explained
"SO WHAT? YOU COULD HAVE JUST LEFT ME THERE!"
"AM I NOT ALLOWED TO CARE?!"
"NO! BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!”
"Kyuhyun," Sungmin held his dongsaeng's hands who were starting to let go of his collar.
Kyuhyun covered his face in his arms..
"Go away...please..."
Sungmin took Kyuhyun's arm and pulled it. Then he saw Kyuhyun’s helpless face. His dongsaeng’s face were all red and he was biting his lower lip to stop from whimpering.
Sungmin then hugged him. Kyuhyun tried to push him away but Sungmin just made it tighter. They stayed in that position until Kyuhyun gave in.
The next day, Sungmin came back to visit Kyuhyun again.
“Why are you here again?” Kyuhyun asked as he looked at the window, seeing the sunny morning. But the delicious scent of the food was what made him look at his visitor.
“I brought some food, the doctor said that your over fatigued and you didn’t look like you were eating well so I thought I’d bring so-“
“You’re here because you pity me, don’t you?”
“What? I don’t pi-“
“Thank you.” Kyuhyun smiled weakly.
Kyuhyun took the porridge Sungmin brought for him and ate it with gusto.
“So why did you help me that day?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Well, there was a really cute guy and he was in distress so I thought...” Sungmin stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Kyuhyun was staring at him.
Kyuhyun desperately wished he could place his head on Sungmin’s shoulder right then.
----
Kyuhyun went back to the University he and Sungmin used to go in. He was still studying Information Technology then while Sungmin was in Liberal Arts. Two different worlds, two completely different beings...
Yet they were able to find each other.
Kyuhyun walked through the park and sat on what used to be their favorite spot, under the cherry blossom tree.
“It feels like nothing has changed,” Sungmin said beside Kyuhyun.
“Yeah...” Kyuhyun breathed the fresh air in.
“So why here... did something happen here?”
It was right on that spot where Kyuhyun used to sit and watch Sungmin talk to his friends. That bench was adjacent to the picnic table where Sungmin’s group used to have their meetings. It was also their organization’s hanging out place. After the hospital scenario, he wanted to stay in touch with Sungmin. But he didn’t had enough reason. Then one day he was passing by and saw that picnic table where his hyung was always in. He always sat on that bench in hopes that somehow, Sungmin would notice him.
Usually Kyuhyun would have a sinking feeling in his stomach. Everytime he sits there, the more he learns about Sungmin. He’s always nice to people, he always have someone talking to him, he always laughs shyly but looks so happy.. it was amazing how his hyung fits with everybody.
Then he would remember that day on how Sungmin took care of him in the hospital. He hated it there, that’s for sure. But what made it bearable was Sungmin and his scent. He seems to have this distinct scent that smells like tea. A bit on the sweet side but relaxing anyway. He missed breathing that scent in. He actually thinks that was what made him feel better.
One time it took a long time for Sungmin to arrive that Kyuhyun decided to read a book. Suddenly a can of juice was placed in front of his eyes. He looked up and there was Sungmin, smiling at him.
“I always saw you here. How are you...?”
“I-I’m fine...” Kyuhyun was able to muster from his surprise.
“Is that a good book?”
“Actually I started.”
“Oh...”
“SUNGMIN!”
They both looked at where the voice came from. Some of Sungmin’s classmates was already calling him to join them.
"Well I got to go."
Sungmin stood up and was about to walk but Kyuhyun had this desperate feeling. Just when his hyung noticed him and smiled at him, he wants more, he wants to take his attention, some more of his hyung’s time. Kyuhyun was so desperate that it was reflex that made him raise his arm and reach out for Sungmin’s back. But before he could touch Sungmin, his hyung turned around and held his hand.
“Is something wrong...?”
Kyuhyun’s book fell from his lap and onto the ground but he didn’t bother looking at it. There he was, sitting on the bench, Sungmin holding his hand, looking at him with a concerned smile. His heart beat fast and he didn’t know what to say. He just stared right back at Sungmin, trying to send the message his heart wanted to say.
For some reason, it seemed Sungmin got it.
“Well, I don’t really have to hang out with them.” Then Sungmin turned to his classmates, “SORRY! I’M BUSY. MAYBE NEXT TIME!” He waved. Then he sat beside Kyuhyun and picked his book for him. They stayed in that bench all afternoon. Not talking, just smiling.
No one dared to let go of each other’s hand.
And that was the time Kyuhyun completely fell for Sungmin.
----
That same week, Kyuhyun went back to the University. This time he went to the back of the Auditorium.
“You’re really trying to bring back the memories, aren’t you?” Sungmin asked.
“There’s nothing wrong if I do so.”
After graduation, Kyuhyun asked Sungmin to meet on that place. It was their last day at the University and were about to part ways.
“Congratulations to you,” Sungmin said as he offered his hand so Kyuhyun could shake it.
“Congratulations to you as well,” Kyuhyun shook hands and they both laughed.
No one was around and it was the perfect time to say what he needed to say.
“Sungmin hyung...?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
Sungmin sighed. Which made Kyuhyun panic.
[Shit. He doesn’t...] Kyuhyun thought and brushed his hair.
“I’m sorry if I had to say it but it’s the last day and we’ll be parting and-“
“Why did you only say it now?” Sungmin asked.
“Huh?”
“It’s too late!”
“What do you mean?”
“We could have enjoyed our college years being a couple and yet you only decided to say it now Kyuhyun! ARGH, I HATE YOU!”
“Y-you feel the same way?”
“I thought we’re just friends! I thought you only wanted to be friends!”
“Sungmin hyung...”
“Now it’s too late! We’ll be parting today and...”
“I love you.”
“Can you make love mean something instead?!”
Kyuhyun smiled and pulled Sungmin’s hand to make his hyung lean forward to him. Finally he kissed him.
----
After 2 weeks, Kyuhyun went back to his apartment. He looked at the calendar and saw that the day today was marked as X. He laid down his luggage and sat on the couch. Then he took the frame from the side table that was faced down.
It was a picture of him and Sungmin when they first moved into that apartment 2 years ago. They looked so happy. Kyuhyun had his arm around Sungmin while his hyung did a “V” sign at the camera. Kyuhyun placed the picture frame on the coffee table in front of him and stood up.
He went out and went to a drugstore. And then when he was on his way back home, he made a detour. His legs felt weak as he tried walking on that street, his mind and body was trying to reject what he wants but he moved forward anyway, until he finally reached the intersection.
Kyuhyun looked up and saw it was snowing.
“First day of snow... do you remember, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin said behind him.
Kyuhyun and Sungmin was about to take a vacation. They packed their suitcases and was ready to go.
“Are you sure you have everything ready?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Yup! Oh wait, the plane tickets!” Sungmin ran back to the apartment.
Kyuhyun was so happy that they’ll finally have that break they’ve been wanting to have. Since they moved into the city, they both worked hard. Finally, they have earned enough money to take that long overdue vacation.
“I got it! I got it!” Sungmin said as he ran towards the car and almost slipped on the slippery street. Good thing Kyuhyun was waiting outside the car and was able to hold him.
“Careful...”
“Sorry... let’s go!” Sungmin said cheerily and rode on the passenger seat.
Kyuhyun then happily went to the driver’s seat and start the car.
“Seatbelts,” Kyuhyun said as he attached his and started to drive.
“Hold on.. I’m just arranging our tickets...”
“Come on, Min-ah, wear the seatbelts first before you do that...”
“Hold oooon....” Sungmin was arranging the papers and the tickets when Kyuhyun tried to get the ticket from his hyung’s hand.
“Kyuhyun!”
“Wear your seatbe-“
But before he can finish, something happened.
The road they were on was on green. Kyuhyun made the car move to pass onto the next lane. But there was a swivering car coming from their left. When Kyuhyun got the chance to see it, it was too late.
Kyuhyun held on to the lamp post as he started to have a panic attack. He was sweating all over even if the temperature was so cold.
“Kyuhyun, let’s go home.”
When he got back, he took a bottle of wine from the cabinet and then walked his way onto the bedroom. There he thew on the bed the pill container of sleeping pills he bought from the drug store. Kyuhyun opened the red wine and the pill container. He sat on the bed, took two sleeping pills then drank the wine straight from the bottle.
“Kyuhyun what are you doing?”
Kyuhyun disregarded his hyung’s voice and drank the pills by two.
"Kyu-ah, please don't do this."
Sungmin tried to stop Kyuhyun’s arm but failed.
"Kyuhyun... please."
After drinking 20 pills, he stopped for a while.
"I dont want just this,” Kyuhyun said.
“But this is not the way to deal with it. You’re not doing it right!”
"Even it was just for a few years, I was happy by your side. But I'd rather see you smiling to me while the sun is high, rather than have you smiling just because I imagined you to."
"Kyuhyun, please..."
“After today, If I continued just the way I am, I won’t be seeing you again.”
“You just have to accept it, Kyuhyun. You can do it!”
“I’m sorry.”
Kyuhyun then resumed to drinking the rest of the sleeping pills.
“Kyuhyun, please stop this,” Sungmin started to choke on his own words. But his dongsaeng just continued. When Kyuhyun was finished, he took of his shoes and lied on the bed. His stomach seemed uncomfortable since he drank a lot but he stopped himself from throwing up. He just looked up at the ceiling and waited for it to take effect.
“Why did you do this..?”
Kyuhyun turned his head and saw Sungmin lying beside him. He suddenly remembered how Sungmin looked after the accident. He was injured badly and fell into a coma. But the Sungmin beside him now was looking back at him, crying.
"I miss hearing your laughter,” Kyuhyun smiled weakly.
This made Sungmin cry even more. Kyuhyun hated the fact that he can only stare. No matter how much he tried to reach out, he can’t touch the person he loved most. His mind just kept on playing tricks on him. It seems he knows Sungmin too well. He has already memorized every emotion his hyung would do and for the past 2 months, it was like he’s remembering it all. And now that he has done something awful, it was the same. The kind hearted Sungmin was getting hurt because of the selfish thing he had to do to keep himself happy.
30 Minutes later, Kyuhyun finally felt his eyelids were getting heavy. Tears then started pouring out of his eyes as he smiled at Sungmin.
“Min-ah...I’ll meet you soon.”
Sungmin, despite of the tear stricken face, smiled back at him.
And when Kyuhyun finally closed his eyes, he was able to smell the scent of tea again.