So hey.
So yeah. It's 2:47 a.m. on a Monday night/Tuesday morning, and I can't sleep. Sucks ehh?
Well I've always thought i've done some of my best thinking at night, especially as I lie alone, and just stare up at my ceiling.
I've had alot of things on my mind as of late. And i've had to deal with some things that I haven't wanted to. One thing being the biggest right now is my mom leaving to move to/live in Florida. She left last Tuesday, and made it down fine, and even moved into her new house this weekend. I'm super happy for her, it's where she's always wanted to live even before she had me. If you really know me, you know my mom's my world. I'm not a mama's boy, so don't think that, I just have a very strong relationship with my mom. I've gone to her with everything, and she's always supported me for/with everything. So it really beat me down to see her just pack up and leave, knowing I can't see her every week anymore, or go over and have dinner with her, or hell even just leave and go to her house because of how my father and step mother drive me insane at times. I mean, I just turned 19, but I still can't help but miss her everyday, wishing she had never moved, but like I stated before i'm happy she did because it's what she's wanted to do for the longest time.
Another thing that's been bothering me lately is my image, and how I view myself, and how i'm viewed by others. I used to care so much what people thought of me, so I always tried to impress everyone, and look the best I could with what was handed to me (me being fat that is, limited on alot of stuff). Then I came to realize "Hey what the fuck does it matter what these people think, i'm living my life for me no one else." But lately I feel as though I should be impressing someone or something. I'm not sure. I've been over weight my whole life, and have gotten used to all the jokes, and say how much they don't phase me or hurt me.. but in reality they still hurt. It hurts to know that in a society where not one person is perfect that they have to make fun of others to make them feel better about life. Am I guilty of this? Sure you can say I am, I make fun of alot of people, but it's nothing ever really serious. Especially when I know i'm far from perfect. Maybe it's a way to cope with how i've been treated and looked upon for 19 years or maybe it's just because deep down inside i'm like every other person in this world. So I started this diet to lose weight, because I don't want to be fat anymore. Then I came to a realization that no matter how hard I try.. I'm always going to be a big kid. Of course with the label of being a fat kid comes being strong too, so i've been worked alot as a kid growing up doing things here and there. My bone structure is big so I really am a "big boned" kid. I'm not going to give up on losing weight. I plan on losing as much as I can, and turning what I can't into muscle to look reasonable.. which throws me onto my next topic..
Girls. It's been so long since I've just been able to enjoy time alone with a girl I really like, and just cuddle up on my couch and watch a movie in the dark with. Or even do anything for that matter, go out, go to someone else house, just basically to be with another person I really enjoy knowing they enjoy me just as much. I always say like "looks don't matter" and they don't for me, I would pick a girl that interest me more and keeps me always enjoying them over a girl that's drop dead goregous with absolutely no personality. But for girls, it seems looks do matter. Like I said, i'm a big kid, always have been, always will be, but I would think people in this world would see passed that, and see me for who I am. Okay I may not be the best to be seen in public with, but I try my hardest to make everyone have fun and get their minds off the norm. There's people I know that say "looks don't matter to me" yet they're with some uber pretty guy and such. Whatever's whatever though. I just stick with what I know, keep my confidence up, and try my hardest. If I get shut down I get shut down and I just try again with someone else. But like since July I haven't really wanted to make moves on girls, or tell them how I feel and everyone ask why. Well I guess it's like I'm just really insecure, and the fact that I just really haven't wanted to have anyone with me, or around me to set me off track or something. I didn't want to deal with Drama, it's with every relationship no matter what anyone says. So yeah.
And aside from all of that. I really miss my friends. I used to hang out with people all the time. I used to keep in touch and know everything about all of my friends so I was always around to do something. But since the end of summer I really shut all my friends out. I started playing World of Warcraft constantly, I didn't want to be bothered because WoW seemed like it could please me so much more. I'd wake up, sign on WoW play til I got bored, or went to sleep. Needless to say it was usually the second option. I sit here and I tell myself all the time I hate how my friends change, that I hate how they never call me to ask to hang out, or do something, or even to ask me how my day was. Then I come to see it.. it's all been my fault. It always has been. I always told myself "If they cared they could pick up a phone and call me." But it all comes down to if I cared enough I should have picked up the phone, and asked them to do something, or gotten on A.I.M and asking them to do something, or how their day was, or to even set up something. So I really fucked myself over. And I think that turning 19 two days ago kinda did make me mature, although it felt like any other day.
Today I came to realize that I want to clean up my act. I want to keep in touch with all my friends, I want to go out and hang out with them all the time, or ask them how they were. I want to go out and get a job and work. I want to spend the time to do hard work to earn the money and to feel responsible for once. I decided I want to clean up what I look like, dress nicer, keep losing my weight, keep clean shaved, have a nice haircut. I really want a girlfriend again. I want someone that can comfort me when I need it, when I have no where else to turn. I want someone I can open up to and tell about my life if they want to hear. I want to have someone I can sit down with and let them have someone to come to, and to talk to. Someone they can open up too, someone they could sit down and talk to for hours about nothing, and i'd stay absolutely interested the whole time, and give them all the attention they want. I want someone I can cuddle up to and watch a movie, or just lay/sit around in each others arms and say how pretty they are, or how much I love them. I want someone that makes me feel whole again. And to do everything I want to, I have to change who I am completely. I have to stop logging on WoW for countless hours a day. I have to keep trying my best to look my best. I have to go out and get nice clothes that don't make me look scummy. I have to shave since I never do. I have to become a whole new Shane basically, but still keep who I am inside.
I just want everyone to know I'm sorry for what i've become. For how i've neglected you all. For how I said you changed, and didn't care, when at the same time, I didn't care enough myself.
Well. It's 3:16 a.m now. And I think it's time for me to bring this to a close. I don't know who does or doesn't read this outside of two people. But hopefully you all get a chance to see it.
p.s. Even after everything I've talked about.. how come it's so hard to tell a person you like them?.
GG me.
.. and that's what it all comes down too.
-still.remains.teh.shane.
Well I've always thought i've done some of my best thinking at night, especially as I lie alone, and just stare up at my ceiling.
I've had alot of things on my mind as of late. And i've had to deal with some things that I haven't wanted to. One thing being the biggest right now is my mom leaving to move to/live in Florida. She left last Tuesday, and made it down fine, and even moved into her new house this weekend. I'm super happy for her, it's where she's always wanted to live even before she had me. If you really know me, you know my mom's my world. I'm not a mama's boy, so don't think that, I just have a very strong relationship with my mom. I've gone to her with everything, and she's always supported me for/with everything. So it really beat me down to see her just pack up and leave, knowing I can't see her every week anymore, or go over and have dinner with her, or hell even just leave and go to her house because of how my father and step mother drive me insane at times. I mean, I just turned 19, but I still can't help but miss her everyday, wishing she had never moved, but like I stated before i'm happy she did because it's what she's wanted to do for the longest time.
Another thing that's been bothering me lately is my image, and how I view myself, and how i'm viewed by others. I used to care so much what people thought of me, so I always tried to impress everyone, and look the best I could with what was handed to me (me being fat that is, limited on alot of stuff). Then I came to realize "Hey what the fuck does it matter what these people think, i'm living my life for me no one else." But lately I feel as though I should be impressing someone or something. I'm not sure. I've been over weight my whole life, and have gotten used to all the jokes, and say how much they don't phase me or hurt me.. but in reality they still hurt. It hurts to know that in a society where not one person is perfect that they have to make fun of others to make them feel better about life. Am I guilty of this? Sure you can say I am, I make fun of alot of people, but it's nothing ever really serious. Especially when I know i'm far from perfect. Maybe it's a way to cope with how i've been treated and looked upon for 19 years or maybe it's just because deep down inside i'm like every other person in this world. So I started this diet to lose weight, because I don't want to be fat anymore. Then I came to a realization that no matter how hard I try.. I'm always going to be a big kid. Of course with the label of being a fat kid comes being strong too, so i've been worked alot as a kid growing up doing things here and there. My bone structure is big so I really am a "big boned" kid. I'm not going to give up on losing weight. I plan on losing as much as I can, and turning what I can't into muscle to look reasonable.. which throws me onto my next topic..
Girls. It's been so long since I've just been able to enjoy time alone with a girl I really like, and just cuddle up on my couch and watch a movie in the dark with. Or even do anything for that matter, go out, go to someone else house, just basically to be with another person I really enjoy knowing they enjoy me just as much. I always say like "looks don't matter" and they don't for me, I would pick a girl that interest me more and keeps me always enjoying them over a girl that's drop dead goregous with absolutely no personality. But for girls, it seems looks do matter. Like I said, i'm a big kid, always have been, always will be, but I would think people in this world would see passed that, and see me for who I am. Okay I may not be the best to be seen in public with, but I try my hardest to make everyone have fun and get their minds off the norm. There's people I know that say "looks don't matter to me" yet they're with some uber pretty guy and such. Whatever's whatever though. I just stick with what I know, keep my confidence up, and try my hardest. If I get shut down I get shut down and I just try again with someone else. But like since July I haven't really wanted to make moves on girls, or tell them how I feel and everyone ask why. Well I guess it's like I'm just really insecure, and the fact that I just really haven't wanted to have anyone with me, or around me to set me off track or something. I didn't want to deal with Drama, it's with every relationship no matter what anyone says. So yeah.
And aside from all of that. I really miss my friends. I used to hang out with people all the time. I used to keep in touch and know everything about all of my friends so I was always around to do something. But since the end of summer I really shut all my friends out. I started playing World of Warcraft constantly, I didn't want to be bothered because WoW seemed like it could please me so much more. I'd wake up, sign on WoW play til I got bored, or went to sleep. Needless to say it was usually the second option. I sit here and I tell myself all the time I hate how my friends change, that I hate how they never call me to ask to hang out, or do something, or even to ask me how my day was. Then I come to see it.. it's all been my fault. It always has been. I always told myself "If they cared they could pick up a phone and call me." But it all comes down to if I cared enough I should have picked up the phone, and asked them to do something, or gotten on A.I.M and asking them to do something, or how their day was, or to even set up something. So I really fucked myself over. And I think that turning 19 two days ago kinda did make me mature, although it felt like any other day.
Today I came to realize that I want to clean up my act. I want to keep in touch with all my friends, I want to go out and hang out with them all the time, or ask them how they were. I want to go out and get a job and work. I want to spend the time to do hard work to earn the money and to feel responsible for once. I decided I want to clean up what I look like, dress nicer, keep losing my weight, keep clean shaved, have a nice haircut. I really want a girlfriend again. I want someone that can comfort me when I need it, when I have no where else to turn. I want someone I can open up to and tell about my life if they want to hear. I want to have someone I can sit down with and let them have someone to come to, and to talk to. Someone they can open up too, someone they could sit down and talk to for hours about nothing, and i'd stay absolutely interested the whole time, and give them all the attention they want. I want someone I can cuddle up to and watch a movie, or just lay/sit around in each others arms and say how pretty they are, or how much I love them. I want someone that makes me feel whole again. And to do everything I want to, I have to change who I am completely. I have to stop logging on WoW for countless hours a day. I have to keep trying my best to look my best. I have to go out and get nice clothes that don't make me look scummy. I have to shave since I never do. I have to become a whole new Shane basically, but still keep who I am inside.
I just want everyone to know I'm sorry for what i've become. For how i've neglected you all. For how I said you changed, and didn't care, when at the same time, I didn't care enough myself.
Well. It's 3:16 a.m now. And I think it's time for me to bring this to a close. I don't know who does or doesn't read this outside of two people. But hopefully you all get a chance to see it.
p.s. Even after everything I've talked about.. how come it's so hard to tell a person you like them?.
GG me.
.. and that's what it all comes down too.
-still.remains.teh.shane.