so here it is
okok ok.
so...
#1
I'm not sure I actually like my new job. at all. I'm hoping in the next month or so I can come to some sort of peace with it, but dang! so far, it's just NOT. I really enjoy working with the kids, playing with them between classes and what not, but the curriculum I have to teach, the commutes. But most of all, the company I work for has a feedback thing, where every week it gather's feedback from my schools about my teaching/lessons/ME. and I feel like I'm being judged and found wanting everyday. And it's soooo stressful. Because I'm spending something around 50 hrs every week doing this I want to be good at it, but actually teaching is such a struggle for me. My new contract has a 3 month probation period in which they can let me go if I don't meet their expectations and I'm just a little bit afraid that I won't last past that 3rd month and a little bit happy by the idea that I won't.
I've been saying this from the start, but teaching is not for me. I sincerely wish I could figure out a way to stay here without teaching. Because I like my life here, but I don't think I can be a teacher forever. I've tried every job available to me here; I've done the assistant teacher thing in public schools, and worked at an eikawa, and finally, now, as a kindergarten teacher and none of them have ever felt natural to me.
I don't really know what to do next though. home. grad school. travel.
#2
I had a date today. We went to a Thai festival at Osaka Castle Park. It was really lame. The festival was nice, I wish I could have stayed longer, but I had to escape from the lameness so I claimed dinner with a friend. Just absolutely zero in common and i don't have the personality to deal with that very well. I can't make empty conversation; it's a skill I lack.
But next week I'm going to Tokyo for work and have rough plans to meet with a metalhead facebook friend. I had planned to meet him last time I was there, but he was sick. We talk about metal all the time on FB and send videos and recommendations and stuff to each other all the time, so I hope we can meet and we'll actually have something to say to each other. He's a little too young for me for anything other than a friend, I think, but we get along well via text/emails, so who knows????
#3
agh. I keep thinking about work tomorrow. I really don't want to go.
#4
this is the word document I mentioned before, a few things are kind of repeats of the above. a little bit.:
I've been without internet for several weeks now. It's actually pretty hard to live without internet, because everyone simply expects you to have it and be able to do things on it. It's difficult to look up train schedules, to figure out when you have to catch connections to get to work on time. Hard to look up directions to a new concert venue. Hard to look up concert schedules. Hard to buy new stuff for my new apartment. My new job wanted me to fill out a survey about a week ago, for training this month. Kind of a survey of what top three things you want to learn. Without internet, that was really troublesome even though it was really only three questions. I had to meet up with a friend who had a portable wi-fi thing and steal internet off her. I really hate asking people for things like that. It makes me feel like I'm troublesome, and why would you want to be friends with a troublesome person?
BUT.
There is another side to not having internet. A lot less time spent surfing youtube or checking facebook for updates that you know haven't been made because you just checked mere seconds before. The past few weeks have given me a lot of time to wander around my local area, a lot of time to lesson plan for my new classes, and a lot of time to do the things I used to do--pre-internet days.
BUT.
I'm homesick. I want to talk to my mom. Send random messages to my siblings. It's lonely without internet, since most of my friends don't live very close to me. I honestly don't think I can make it much longer without some sort of good contact. I'm not grown-up enough to live without my mom quite yet I guess.
About the New JOB
I can no longer remember how much I've already shared about this new job. But basically it's teaching english at kindergartens/nursery schools. The youngest I'm teaching so far are 3 yr olds and the oldest, 7 yr olds. The students are pretty great, a few of them are really annoying (prissy, little rich girls at one of my schools absolutely the most annoying), but for the most part they're so eager to please. They're absolutely lovely. When I was looking for new jobs I was really trying to find something different then the Assistant teaching thing I've been doing, I wanted to do something where I actually mattered. I wanted one of those jobs where upon waking up in the morning I was happy to go and make a difference to someone. This job has that. I mean, I've been teaching these kids for maybe three weeks and they're already attached, running up to me to tell me about the rolly-polly bugs they're collecting today. Or about the new project they're doing fr the upcoming holiday. I love that.
BUT.
This new job kind of sucks. Because it's still teaching and I'm still not very good at that. And it's long-ass commutes. Technically, my working hours are 10am-6pm. With 5 hours of actual, in-class time. 45 mins of lunch and the rest is prep time. Except, it's not really prep time, it's play with the kids time. And prep time takes place when I return home each evening. I don't really mind the work because it's not hard to lesson plan or make crafts or whatever, but I do kind of resent the time taken up. (I would estimate actual working hours to be about 8am-8pm with a couple hours of commute mixed in each day)
So yeah, I wanted a job with more work, and I definitely got it and now all I want to do is complain about how much work it is.
Worst of all though, is the fact that one of my schools complained about me the very first week. And so, since then, I've had higher-ups following me around to all my classes. Which is nerve wracking when you're trying to wrestle down a new curriculum, a new method of teaching, new students, etc. It's hard to find your own rhythm when every class, every day, there's a new boss-type person suggesting a "maybe it's better if you do it this way." --every time a different way. It's driving me crazy. I get that they have to take the complaint seriously and that they want me to succeed because my success means their success and I understand that I'm not a 'great' teacher. But I don't think I'm THAT horrible!? So, I'll be honest, I feel a little picked on. and everyday is nerve-wracking because I know some adult is watching and critiquing me. and that doesn't really help me in class.
Give me the critique, then give me a couple days alone to fix it, then come back. Don't give me new stuff everyday with no time to improve. Please?
About the New PLACE
I kind of love having my own place again. A kitchen (not really much of one, but still more than I had before) and a bathroom! It's amazing! I can cook food again and take baths and dance around naked and all kinds of good stuff. haha. I've really enjoyed buying new stuff, but I do wish I had internet so I could order a few harder to get items.
I haven't found a trash schedule anywhere around my new apartment yet, so I haven't been able to take out the trash since I moved. It's getting to be a little too much though. So that's my goal for today, figure out the garbage schedule.
The area is kind of great. I've never lived so much in the city before. There's so many people my age! I've always lived just out far enough to live with the old, settled and/or retired people before. But now I'm just barely out from the main Osaka train station to be a little cheap, which means young people. Lots of little izakayas and pubs. Lots of artsy, interesting, cafes.
Diagonal from my place is a recording and practing studio. Everyday I get to see different bands arriving and leaving. Most of them are high school girls with big dreams, but a few of them have appeared to be more my kind of music. The place is, of course, well soundproofed so the most you can hear is the occasional dulled power chords of an electric guitar when you walk directly in front of the building.
However, my place is very well soundproofed, and everytime an old lady walks by her nasally voice cuts straight through the walls, "yoroshiku onegaishimasu!"
I'm about a 20 minute walk to the LOFT, to Hep 5 (giant ferris wheel and shopping), and Umeda AKASO (concert venue for medium-big bands).
About recent LIFE
As I mentioned before, work has been taking up most of my time these past few weeks. I've had very little time to put into my few hobbies since I moved. About a week ago I got horribly sick and that is what probably directly caused my big homesick streak of recent. I hate being sick and alone. It's possible the most awful thing ever. Especially since i had just moved and had no internet. I had no way of calling to complain to my mom, no way to look up a doctor, and absolutely zero medicine for what I had. Which, by the way, was me throwing up ALL DAY. I woke up at like 3 am and didn't feel good. so I went to the bathroom and threw up. I figured, at this point, it was probably just nerves finally getting to me about this new job and the constant eagle-eye watching of me. But usually when I have a strike of nerves like that, I throw up, go back to sleep and am good to handle whatever. But after this I just kept throwing up. Until there was nothing left and then I dry-heaved. and I drank some water and then I threw up the water. I basically just curled up on a towel in my shiny new bathroom and slept and cried and threw up all day. The next day I had to go to work, but I was afraid to eat anything for fear of throwing up more, so I didn't. It took another two days before I actually ate any food. I still haven't actually felt hungry and it's a week later, but I just haven't really developed much of an appetite back.
I've gone to a couple concerts this past week. Dir en Grey in Kobe, which was a pain to get to as I had never been to the venue before and didn't even know what train station to go to. I had to ask the tourist information at the Osaka station. and then I met with my Kyoto friend to walk there together. Lucky me, actually having a friend who happened to be going to the same concert as me. haha. She convinced me to go to two more concerts this week. Awoi, who I do trully enjoy. They're amusing and fun and Otogi's voice is SO deep. Lately he's been trying a little too hard and copying Kyo really badly, but in some ways that just adds to the fun. Plus he's developing a tendancy to run half naked through the audience at the last few concerts I've been to and I definitely don't mind that. :) Even if he is really skinny, he's really well defined skinny. haha. And tomorrow I'm going to a happy threesome concert of Sel'm x Cocklobin x CatfisT. Hopefully it'll be fun. All these concerts this week have definitely helped lower my stress level frm work. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain that when I return to work after the long holiday that is this weekend (GOLDEN WEEK!).
I tried sending Tsukasa one more text and once more it went completely unanswered, so I think for my own sanity I'm going to have to call whatever it is that we were doing finished. It was enjoyable, but it was never more than casual so I'm not too broken up about it, just wishing Japanese boys had the balls to finish things for real rather than just leave me hanging all the time. is there something about my personality that makes them afraid to "break-up" or is the non-confrontation Japanese thing? or do they feel like they lack the English to do it right? or WHAT???
I will admit that I really liked having a boy in my life who listened to the same music I do. I didn't really notice before, but I had always felt kind of awkward about it with previous boys. Because I'm listening to the more "manly" music and I KNOW most people don't appreciate the 'noise,' so I was always worried about it. And yet there are songs I've always thought were perfect for making-out and wanted to try but was always kind of afraid to do with guys who obviously didn't like that kind of music and with Tsukasa I was actually able to have background music that we both fully appreciated. So I'd like to stick with the tougher guys next time. Music is so important to me and interweaves into almost every aspect of my daily life, so I need a guy who I feel is comfortable with my choice of background songs for life. I wish I could find a metalhead who listened to even harder music then me, so I could feel at least a little girly about my choice in music... haha. :)