just a few drunken thoughts
i wonder if willfully depriving oneself of sleep actually tricks the body into functioning
as if it is normal to rest no more than a few hours a day.
my body seems to be rejecting the idea of sleep right now and that makes no logical sense.
my limbs are weak, my circulation poor, my muscles ache and my back is twisted and the nerves feel raw.
all this work is widdling me down to nothing.
and what have i in exchange for my time, for myself?
a few limp, green paper-cotton blended slips of currency that are allready spoken for and spent.
the more hours i clock in the more my bank account will grow.
the more hours i clock in the more i will physically deteriorate.
the more hours i clock in the more distracted i will be from my problems.
the more hours i clock in the more distant i will feel from the ones i love.
pros. cons.
i weigh them daily.
rather i begin to weigh them, get the process in motion and create a mental T chart and then
the realization hits me that i am discontent. that my life could be so much more.
now let me be candid here and make a rather serious point, a serious clarification-
i chose to say
"that my life could be so much more" and not "i was meant for so much more"
i fucking hate when people say that.
no one was meant for anything! because there is no grand scheme and no one was "placed" on this earth because there is no power greater than us orchestrating the universe.
you are no more destined for anything than you are born into sin.
you are the only one in control of your life.
all responsibility falls back on you.
you fuck up- you are to blame.
and this, this is why i loose my train of thought without giving up so much as a fight when i think about my life.
as if it is normal to rest no more than a few hours a day.
my body seems to be rejecting the idea of sleep right now and that makes no logical sense.
my limbs are weak, my circulation poor, my muscles ache and my back is twisted and the nerves feel raw.
all this work is widdling me down to nothing.
and what have i in exchange for my time, for myself?
a few limp, green paper-cotton blended slips of currency that are allready spoken for and spent.
the more hours i clock in the more my bank account will grow.
the more hours i clock in the more i will physically deteriorate.
the more hours i clock in the more distracted i will be from my problems.
the more hours i clock in the more distant i will feel from the ones i love.
pros. cons.
i weigh them daily.
rather i begin to weigh them, get the process in motion and create a mental T chart and then
the realization hits me that i am discontent. that my life could be so much more.
now let me be candid here and make a rather serious point, a serious clarification-
i chose to say
"that my life could be so much more" and not "i was meant for so much more"
i fucking hate when people say that.
no one was meant for anything! because there is no grand scheme and no one was "placed" on this earth because there is no power greater than us orchestrating the universe.
you are no more destined for anything than you are born into sin.
you are the only one in control of your life.
all responsibility falls back on you.
you fuck up- you are to blame.
and this, this is why i loose my train of thought without giving up so much as a fight when i think about my life.