nobuta o produc fic: youthful love part 2b
Youthful Love, part 2b (Shuuji)
by Karma
(split for lj's character max)
Part 1 here
Part 2a here
--
I went home that afternoon miserable and thinking about Akira. Should I pay him a visit? Was it too early? Clearly he didn't want to see me, or else he would have come to class. What should I do? Did I even want to see him at this point, without a plan of some kind to restore things back to normal?
Did I even want things to go back to normal--? Well, yes, obviously I did.
I tried to forget what he said to me the night before, but it seemed like the harder I tried to forget, the more his words insisted on occupying mental space. Didn't do what I didn't want to do? What did he know about what I wanted? Well, okay, so he was just going based on what I said to him, but sometimes he could read me so well that it scared me. Like the time he knew that I didn’t want to confess to Nobuta for 11-4, because it would bring down my popularity. Akira could read me clearly then, but this time he was so off that it was almost disappointing. How could he know what I wanted, when even I didn’t know?
What did I want?
It was when we were eating dinner when Dad asked me if something was bothering me. I tried to shrug off the question by saying that it was nothing, and then he looked disappointed and said that I never did like to share my problems. Koji gave me a look and then, on the spot, I felt compelled to speak.
"What does it mean to--" I had trouble saying it. It sounded so stupid. "To do what you want to do?"
I ignored Koji's laughing response. Dad looked thoughtful and watched me for a moment before he started to launch into a story about how Grandmother had been against his marriage to Mom. I had never heard this story before, so I asked him why.
"Because her work would make her travel so much. My mother was afraid that she wouldn't have time for me." Dad smiled. "But I married her so that I could see her in-between trips. I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing her again.
"See, Shuuji, you're always going to have conflicts. The heart and the mind fight all the time. Sometimes the mind is right and sometimes the heart is right. But it's the heart that regrets, not the mind.
"If it's a bad idea, the mind will tell you so. But even if it's a bad idea, if the heart wants it, then you have to consider it, for a second. Take it seriously, think about it, and then you can reject it if you don't like it. But don't outright reject an idea that your heart likes, or you will always regret it. To do what you want to is to think from the heart first, and then the mind. Not the other way around."
Dad could be deep. I thanked him and then he looked eagerly at me and said excitedly, "I just said something cool, didn't I?" -- while Koji complained that he didn't get it.
"If you want something," Koji said, "Don't you want it from both?"
My family, the philosophers. For the first time that day, I felt cheered up. Dad and Koji are important to me. Choosing them over Nobuta and Akira at our old school -- that had been the right decision. Choosing their approval over -- over what Akira wanted --
With food for thought and food in my belly, I spent that night trying to figure out what I was going to say to Akira the next morning. No matter how hard I thought about it, nothing added up. What I should say to Akira depended on what I wanted to happen, which depended on what I wanted, which-- which I didn't know. Think with the heart? The heart said-- it pounded quickly, but was silent because it could say nothing that could be put into words. It's the mind that thinks. And my mind was screaming NO, that what could happen wasn’t worth it.
After lying on my bed for so long that was becoming uncomfortably warm from my own body heat and still having no answers, I gave up. Thinking about this wasn't working. I needed sleep, it was late, and tomorrow I would see Akira. I decided then to just forget everything and talk to Akira tomorrow. To make amends somehow, and apologize or something.
I drifted off that night dreaming of two pigs riding on a motorcycle. One of them was green, the other was pink. The green one fell off and died and the pink one couldn't save it.
--
When Akira did not show up the next morning at my house, I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. I guessed that this would happen, so I tried to ignore how nervous I felt at the thought of seeing him again and then I went off to school.
When Akira did not appear at his school desk by the time the first bell rang, however, I was disheartened beyond belief. Seeing his empty desk made my throat suddenly feel thick and I spent that morning staring staunchly at the front of the class and not looking back.
I tried instead, to think of a plan. That's all I was really good for in the Producing Nobuta group. I planned, Nobuta carried out, and Akira-- how would you put it? That he just helped wasn't good enough. He always did more than just that, putting all of his effort into whatever we did. He was... he was our glue. Moral support for Nobuta, moral support for me. Akira was a buffer for both of us. I wouldn't have been interested in helping Nobuta in the first place if it weren't for him, and if I hadn't become friends with both of them--
I cleared my throat and rubbed my face with my hands. Aaaah-- I just wanted this day to end. Maybe I should just leave class, tell the nurse that I'm sick, and go home.
"Kiritani, I want to talk to you."
I looked up, surprised, and realized belatedly that it was already lunch time. The speaker was Shizuka, my now ex-girlfriend. Behind her, to the side, was Yamada, another classmate, who looked at me like she wanted to say something, but then glanced at Shizuka and looked away.
In the social hierarchy of our class, Shizuka was above Yamada. But something about the expression on Yamada's face made me anxious. I nodded at Shizuka -- what did she want? -- and then, meeting Yamada's eyes, I said that I would talk to her after school. Yamada nodded enthusiastically, and then I left with Shizuka.
After being pegged publicly by onigiri, I was a little wary of Shizuka. She had proved to have quite the temper. But today, as far as I could tell, she was not carrying any extra food arsenal so I was safe. We ended up going to the table where we used to eat lunch together. She started on her bentou box and I started on my cream pan. We ate in silence. At first I wondered what she wanted, but as the silence grew my thoughts wandered and I stopped caring about why she had asked to speak to me.
Right, I needed a plan. First, apologize. Then, explain that it wasn't him, personally. I couldn't think of how to explain the reason for my answer, and somehow, it didn't seem right. My mind nagged at me -- something was missing in my plan -- but not wanting a repeat of the pointless conversation that I had with myself the night before, I refused to think about it. The point of a plan was to move and think forward, not backwards.
Should I see Akira after school? Once again, obviously he did not want to see me, or else he would have come to school.
Unless...what if...he had already transferred back to our old school so that he could be with Nobuta? My mouth went dry and the bread became tasteless against my tongue. That-- that wouldn't be fair. He said that we'd always be friends, didn't he--?
"--Kiritani-kun?"
I realized belatedly that Shizuka had been talking. But about what, I wasn't sure.
"Well, I--" I began, trying to figure out what was going on, but then I gave up. I was tired of thinking, I wasn't in the mood to humor anyone, and really, with Shizuka who I had dumped, what was the point? "Sorry, what?"
"I knew it," Shizuka said, looking exasperated. "You DO have someone else on your mind."
How did she know--? For a moment, I was flabbergasted, and then I calmed myself down. No one could read someone else's mind. Stuff of anime, really. So get a grip, Kiritani Shuuji and figure out what she's talking about so that you can leave.
"Who is she? I mean, I think I deserve to know. Was she someone from your last school?"
Okay, now I was confused. "She?" Who was 'she'? Nobuta? But as she insisted on asking again, "Who is she?" I realized that she was referring to the "someone else" that I had on my mind. But why would Shizuka ask me this?
"You know, the person you're in love with. Who is she? What is she like?"
And then I got it. Some people DID want the lie over the truth. Mariko had been able to accept the plain truth, but Shizuka wanted some half-baked adorned lie about me being in love with someone else as the reason that we broke up.
She always was very demanding. But if that was all she wanted, if it would make it easier for her to get over me, if it would make her happy, then I could give her that. It was the least that I could do.
"Well--" I began, but Shizuka stopped me.
"Actually," she interrupted me with a thin smile, "I don't really want to know what she's like. What I want to know is does the person you're thinking about know that you're thinking about her?"
Did Akira know that I was thinking about him? Probably not, but I wasn't going to tell her that. I needed to make something up to satisfy her. Maybe use Nobuta as a model. Right. Shizuka had been expecting a girl, so I could tell her that I was in love with a girl from my last school.
"She never thought of me the same way," I said slowly. Or I had never thought of him that way before, not until he brought it up, and then-- I didn't want to think about it.
"Oh, I get it," Shizuka said, nodding. "A one-sided love. Kiritani-kun, I understand now. Thank you."
The words, "one-sided love" sound so terrible. They made me remember how hurt Akira had been over Nobuta, then that expression on his face when I rejected him, and I suddenly felt sick in my stomach.
Shizuka gave me a smile, the first genuine smile in the course of her monologue, one that actually reached her eyes and looked sincere.
"Thank you for giving me a chance, even though you already had someone else in mind. I really appreciate it. Those three weeks were a lot of fun." Her smile broadened. "If you ever get over her, and I'm not seeing anyone, then I wouldn't mind giving it another go." And with those words, she left.
Seeing the grateful expression on her face and hearing the warmth of gratitude in her words, hurt.
I stayed at the table until the bell rang, staring at where she had been and feeling inexplicably awful, as if I was guilty of a crime and had been discovered.
--
When class ended, I found Yamada waiting for me. I had forgotten that I said I would talk to her. I wondered what she wanted; at this point, I didn't think that I could handle another love confession gracefully.
But Yamada at least I knew wasn't going to confess to me. She usually was pretty shy, except when it came to asking Akira for a helicopter ride. (Somehow she got it into her head this idea that he could give out a ride any time that he wanted, so she kept asking him in a joking manner.) But otherwise, she seemed more likely the type to write a note than to speak in person. Besides, she already had a boyfriend. I've seen him around a few times. He's easy to spot because he goes to another school, so his school uniform is blue instead of our school's black. Sometimes you'd see him hanging around outside of the school grounds, waiting for her.
I asked her what she had wanted to talk about, and then as if reading my mind, Yamada began to tell me about her boyfriend. Or ex-boyfriend, apparently. She told me that her ex-boyfriend got jealous for no reason and had his friends attack her childhood friend. The result was, (and she bit her lip as she said this) that she dumped him.
I listened to all of this with half an ear, wondering why she was telling me this. Frankly, I had never heard her talk so much before. When she finally came to the part about dumping her boyfriend, I let her borrow my handkerchief as she dabbed at her eyes and I expressed some general words of sympathy.
She cried quietly for a bit, and I began to wonder how long I would have to stand there. Don't get me wrong -- I felt bad for her, but if he was such a jerk then she did the right thing. I said as much (just that she did the right thing), all the while wondering why she was telling ME of all people about this. I don't really know her all that well, and--
"Anyway," she said as she sniffed, "Yoichi got really mad. He hit me." I realized then that though Yamada was wearing a lot of foundation, the skin color of one side of her cheek was slightly darker than the other. I felt a surge of disgust toward this 'Yoichi'. What an asshole.
"And Kusano-kun happened to overhear. He stopped Yoichi and saved me. Then he walked me home."
My understanding of the point of this conversation was like pushing a boulder to roll down a hill: slow at first -- but as she continued, saying "So now I'm worried that Yoichi and his friends will come after Kusano-kun in revenge" -- it accelerated until it crushed all other thoughts in its path and left just one.
Yoichi and his friends might be after Akira.
Yamada lifted a bentou box wrapped in a green handkerchief into view. "I made this for Kusano-kun to thank him, but I see that he didn't come to school today." She hesitated. "I know he didn't come to school either, but after what happened yesterday, I'm worried about him. Will you be seeing him later today? Can you give him this?"
I nodded. She held out the box to me, and slowly I took it. Then she asked me hopefully, "He'll be all right, won't he?"
"He'll be fine," I said. She smiled at me, looking relieved. Her duty for telling me was over, and suddenly, I hated her. Yamada went on saying that she would give me back my handkerchief tomorrow and some other things that weren't really important, and then finally, she left.
Once Yamada was out of my sight, I hurriedly changed my shoes and then ran to where my bike was parked. I tied the bentou to my bike and dug around in my bag frantically until I spotted my yellow cell phone.
I dialed his number and then I realized that my hands were shaking. Calm down, Shuuji. Akira will be fine. Yamada was just saying MAYBE Yoichi would attack, but Akira's strong. Granted, there might be more than one attacker, but he can smash a stack of concrete bricks with one hand, so he must have had formal training at some point, he could defend himself, and-- AND WHY THE HELL WASN'T HE PICKING UP?
I dialed again. Damn it Akira, PICK UP THE PHONE ALREADY!
"Akira off to save the world! Leave a message. Kon!"
Stupid. It was such a stupid message that I couldn't help but laugh, and the worry that I felt lessened. "Akira, it's Shuuji. Listen--" And then my cell beeped, telling me that he was on the other line. I picked it up.
"Hey," I said.
"Helllllllllo," Akira greeted. I stopped pedaling and almost fell over in relief. "How are you?"
Hearing his voice calmed me down. He sounded fine, I was worried for nothing. But just in case, I should warn him about Yamada’s ex. "Akira? You didn't come to school today. Listen, I have to talk to you."
"Great." There was a strange tension in his voice. "I'm out shopping right now." He sounded-- stiff. Uncertain. Was he still afraid to see me? "I'll have to call you back."
In the event that he really was in danger, I couldn't just let it go. This was much more important than our current awkwardness. I had to find him. Shopping, he had to be near the main shopping square. I turned my bike and headed in that direction.
"Yamada told me some people were after you, so I thought I'd warn you. And," I hesitated, "And I have to talk to you. So then--"
What were those shouting sounds in the background? Alarm bells rang inside of me. "Hey, are you okay?"
Akira said, "This is depressing."
He was breathing hard. "Listen. Can't talk. Missed what you said." His voice alternated between sounded quiet and sounding loud, as if his mouth was close to his phone at times, and not at others. "I'm being chased by some guys and I'm probably not going to be able to see you today."
My heart sank. I gripped my cellphone harder. "Where are you?"
Akira laughed, and I knew he hadn't heard my question. "Gotta go. I'll talk to you later."
Then he said in a quiet, small voice, "Help me."
Fear twisted its way into my heart and rushed throughout my veins. I shouted his name on my phone, trying to get him to tell me where he was, but he hung up.
I concentrated on biking as fast as I could. All the fears and worries that had been plaguing me all day were suddenly so petty that I wanted to scream at myself for not acting earlier.
Think, Shuuji, think! Where would a group of guys be able to fight in the shopping square? Somewhere no one could see them. Some place out of view. Back corners, behind buildings, in-between alleys. It was a small town, unlike Tokyo, which would make it easier to find him.
For both me and Yamada's ex.
--
As shops came into view, I slowed down to glance down each alley that I passed by. I had a horrible image of Akira all beaten up in my mind, the way Tani had been in his red jacket. The images flashed by: Akira in pain, Akira in the hospital, Akira staring at me with Tani's accusing eyes. I thought of him battered, bruised, or worse--
I pushed the thoughts out of my head and biked harder.
No sign of him.
Nothing down this street.
This alley was empty to.
Not the one after that. Or the next.
And then-- was that shouting that I heard? Where--
I turned into the corner of a large building and there he was. Fighting against -- I counted quickly, 5 others.
A fat guy hit Akira in the face.
I wanted to shout his name, but it was lodged in my throat. I dropped my bike to the side and started forward to intervene, but Akira didn't go down. Instead, he socked the fat one right back, and the other guy fell. Then he ducked a blow and kicked another boy.
Should I call the police? No, Akira would get in trouble. But Akira was outnumbered, even with my help. What if I told them that the police was coming anyway? Maybe they'd stop. I opened my mouth to shout this, but then stopped myself. It might distract him and get him hit, and--.
While frozen in indecision, in the midst of my frantic worry and wondering what I should do, I suddenly realized as another boy went down that Akira was doing remarkably well on his own.
I had never really seen Akira fight before. I mean, we saw how destroyed his room was after his fights with his father and I knew he was strong, but I had never seen him in a real fight. It was mesmerizing to watch. Even when he got hit, he didn't stop moving.
He was doing so well that if I stepped in, I might break his rhythm and be more of a hindrance than help. Uncertain of what to do, I watched instead.
The fight before me that had started off as a nightmarish blur ended as one of the most amazing things I had ever seen-- Akira took down three of them before the fourth hit him and he almost fell, but he didn't. The fifth attacked him then. I started forward, but Akira was already standing back onto his feet and he slammed his fist into his attacker's stomach. He made the fourth one cry out-- and then the second one tripped him from the floor. He stumbled but stayed on ground even as the boy that I recognized as Yamada's ex attacked him.
Akira still didn't go down. He concentrated his blows against Yoichi’s face, until the second one pulled him off, and then Akira palmed him in the throat, causing him to gag. A lean boy hit him in the solarplex, and he staggered back, but then he tripped his attacker, dodged a kick from a boy with a pierced lip and punched a boy with a shaved head in the nose. After he hit Pierced Lip in the mouth, Akira was left as the last one standing.
I couldn't believe what I had just seen. The guy was amazing!
Akira laughed and did the Nobuta Power pose moving his hip in an exaggerated swing, only this time he shouted, "NOBUTA POWER-- VICTORY!" as he flashed a 'V' sign for victory with his left hand.
I wanted to applaud. The fat boy and the lean boy stared at him as if he were crazy.
Akira moved to kick Yoichi again; the other boy cowered. Then Akira pressed his foot against his neck.
This was bad; Akira could really hurt him. He had won, wasn't that enough? Less worried about Akira than I was about his foes, I finally started walking.
"Yoichi," Akira began, and he was about to say something else when suddenly, he looked at me. His face, flushed with adrenaline and victory, broke out into an adorable-- I mean great-- smile.
"You came," he said. "I’m glad to see you." And I was so relieved that he was safe that all I could do was grin stupidly at him in response.
Akira looked back at his defeated opponents and clapped his hands. "Okay fight over, one, two, one!" He stepped off of Yoichi and nudged him with his foot. "Go."
Glaring at him, Yoichi scooted away from him. After watching Akira cautiously for a moment, Lean One helped Fat One up. Pierced Lip was still clutching his mouth, which was bleeding. Slowly, Yoichi stood up.
I looked back at Akira, who grinned at me.
"You will," Yoichi's voice interrupted us, "Pay for this. You’re going to--" He spat onto the floor. "I'm going to make you so miserable that--"
I was suddenly so furious that I couldn't speak. Before I knew it, I had grabbed Yoichi by collar. "What are you thinking? Are you stupid? He just beat all five of you up by himself and you're lucky that he didn't--" He stared back, not listening, just wanting to hurt Akira, the way Aoe had wanted to hurt Nobuta for no reason, and the anger boiled within me. Yamada with her thick foundation flashed into my mind. "You can hit him, but she'll never take you back."
Anger crossed his face, anger and a hint of something else and then I knew his weakness. "She doesn't want you because you treat her like shit." Yoichi's face closed off, and he tried to push my hand off, but I held fast and said, "It's your own fault." His face crumpled then, and he looked like he was going to cry.
Akira placed a hand on my shoulder. I stared at him, not understanding what he wanted, and he said, "Calm down Shuuji," as if he himself had not just beaten Yoichi and his friends up. Still, his words did have a calming effect on me. Akira pried Yoichi easily out of my hands and smacked him in the face with an open palm.
Yoichi went down. His friends watched Akira with terrified expressions on their faces.
"YOICHI!" Akira said loudly when the other boy had finally opened his eyes. "How could you hit her if you love her? The worst kind of guy is one who makes girls cry!"
"Sh-shut up!" yelled one of Yoichi's friends, the one with the shaved head. Yoichi didn't say anything.
"DON'T HIT GIRLS!" Akira cried, forming a heart with his hands. "THEY'RE HEARTS ARE MADE OF GLASSSS!!!!!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" This came from the fat boy.
Akira took a step forward, and suddenly they were all quiet, watching him and trembling in fear. Another step forward, and they were scooting away from him.
Akira shouted, "GLAAAAAASSSSSSSS!"
Yoichi gave a cry of alarm and then all five boys took off running. They didn't look back.
"Yo," Akira greeted me. The corner of his mouth was split and his handsome face sported various other cuts and bruises, but he was smiling.
Suddenly feeling awkward and silly for what I had just done (I don't interfere the entire fight and when I do it's just to yell?) and for some reason, seeing him smile made my stomach feel all weird. I cleared my throat nervously. "We should get out of here before the police come," I said after a pause. "Someone's bound to have heard this."
Akira nodded and started towards me, then stumbled. I caught his arm and steadied him until he was standing again. "You okay?" I asked, worried.
Akira nodded. "Let's go." He took a step forward and winced. I hooked my arm around the back of his shoulder so that he could lean against me, and we headed to my bike. I got on, and for a moment, Akira hesitated before he got on behind me. But he didn't do anything else, so I looked at him and told him to hold on. Something unreadable crossed his face, but he nodded and grabbed onto my shoulders. It reminded me of the first time I had given him a bike ride home. I started to pedal.
"Where'd you leave your bike?" I asked, at the same time he said, "Hey, Shuuji--"
I stopped talking and glanced back, but he shook his head. "Let's forget my bike and get out of here."
"Okay. Let's head back to my house then. We have bandages at home."
Akira protested behind me in a whiny voice, "Noooooo, let's go to the beach!"
I almost laughed. "The beach?"
"After a long fight, a man needs to sit by the beach to relax."
"Salt water'll only make your cuts sting," I said. But I understood. Having lived all our lives in Tokyo, Akira and I couldn't get enough of the beach. We even made plans a week ago to see it this weekend. It was always beautiful and therapeutic to watch.
"Then I won't get wet."
I started the bike in the direction of the beach. We were silent for a few minutes, until the bike hit an uneven part of the sidewalk, jarring us.
Akira's hands moved from my shoulders to my waist. I knew why, it was just to make sure that he didn't fall off, but I could feel my face heat up. All the thoughts that had left me since the fight came rushing back.
"Hey--" We both started at the same time.
"Go ahead," I said.
"Stop at that convenience store. I want a drink."
The warm temperature inside the convenience store was a welcome change from the cool air outside. Akira went to look at the drinks; I went to see what first-aid supplies I could pick up. I took a package of pre-moistened medical wipes and a package of bandages and went into the line to purchase.
There was only one clerk at the counter, and two people in front of me. One of them was a cop buying a magazine with a large-breasted girl in a bikini on the cover. I held my breath, but Akira was still in the back of the store, looking at drinks, and out of view. The cop left the store after his purchase.
Relieved, I paid and waited for Akira. He appeared a few minutes later, with a bottle of green tea, two cartons of soy milk, and a pack of fried noodle-chips.
"LET'S GO!" he said in English. He paid and we stepped out. By then, it was starting to get dark. Akira drank from the bottle of green tea, then put it back into the plastic bag that contained the rest of his snacks. We went to tie the plastic bags holding our purchases to my bike, and then we both noticed Yamada's bentou box at the same time.
"What's that?"
I had almost forgotten about it. "It's for you, from Yamada. She made it to thank you for yesterday."
He made a thoughtful sound and we finished tying the bags. I wanted, suddenly, to ask Akira why he didn't come to school today. But then I didn't really want to hear the answer, since I could guess, so I didn't ask.
We both got onto the bike. I started to pedal and became acutely aware again of Akira's hands holding onto me.
"You're tensing," Akira said. "You mad?"
That wasn't it. I stopped the bike. "I--"
"STOP!"
Light flashed suddenly on us both, and for a second it was too bright to see anything. Then things came back into focus and before us was the cop from the convenience store on a police motorcycle, holding a flashlight in one hand. He got off his motorbike and approached us.
For one, horrible moment, I remembered what happened when I had interfered with the drunk man and woman: spending hours being questioned by people who didn't believe me and thinking that my life was over. I didn't want to go through that again, especially since we were still relatively new to the community, just building our reputation and this was a smaller town where our neighbors made an effort to get to know us. Once we were flagged as delinquents, everyone would know it. No one would believe that we weren't involved in a fight because we *had*, this time there weren't any witnesses to say otherwise, and it was all over--
Akira leaned his head onto the back of my shoulder. "You weren't involved, Shuuji. You don't have a mark on your body. Just me."
For one, blissful moment, Akira's words vanquished all of my fears.
And then they came back, only this time all I worried about, was Akira. Akira was going to face the questions alone. If he lied about the reason for the fight so that Yamada wouldn't get involved, he'd get kicked out of school, and somehow it was all worse than what I had previously thought. Akira was wrong. I had been involved, because he had been.
Suddenly, it didn't matter what the world thought about me and Akira. All that mattered, was Akira.
The cop held the flashlight beam over our heads. He was a pudgy man in his forties, perhaps, with a slight pitch in his voice as he spoke. I waited for him to outright accuse us of being hooligans, but instead he said, "Don't you know that double-biking is very dangerous? One of you could fall off and hurt yourselves."
He stopped then, and peered at Akira. "Or you already did." He studied Akira, who gave him a brief smile. My mouth went dry.
The officer's voice finally hit the accusing note that I had been expecting. "Do you know anything about a fight that took place nearby?" he asked Akira after a pause. "A store-owner called us and we came just in time to pick up a few beaten-up looking boys."
Akira opened his mouth to answer. I cut him off. "No, we don't," I said quickly.
"Then where did he get those bruises?" The cop demanded.
Where indeed. "Those? Oh, it was my fault," I said. Akira snorted, which made me want to hit him.
The policeman gave me a skeptical look. "So you hit him?"
I shook my head and thought of the erotic magazine I had seen him buy in the convenience store. "No, we made a bet." I then lowered my voice into a knowing whisper, "He lost, so his punishment was to steal our classmate's panties. But she caught him at it."
Akira cried in a loud voice, "What are you--" I threw my arm around Akira's shoulders to force his head down and talked louder and over his voice, the way I had done before at our old school whenever he had been about to say something to Nobuta that I didn't want him too. Shut up Akira, I thought furiously, and let me handle this.
"HE WAS--" my voice went back to normal when Akira finally shut up "--already punished today. Can you let us go?" The last part was said in a higher-pitched, beseeching voice with my free hand held straight and in a pleading gesture.
"Panties, huh?" The officer looked at Akira, whose head was still bent down. I applied more pressure against the back of his shoulders, and he nodded.
"Shuuji likes panties," Akira told the officer. I shot Akira a dirty look and he laughed.
The policeman chuckled. "You remind me of myself in my younger days," he said to me. "I was always getting my friends to do my dirty work." He turned off the flashlight. "But it told me who my real friends were." He then straightened up and said in a more commanding voice, "You shouldn't double-bike. It's dangerous. But since your friend's injured, I'll let you pass. And don't steal panties, you hear? Get yourself a girlfriend and get her to give them to you."
He chuckled again, as if he had said something very clever, and then he got back onto his motorbike and drove off. We waved.
When he was gone, I let go of Akira, who started laughing again. He mimicked my begging gesture and heightened the pitch of his voice. 'His punishment was to steal touch our classmate's panties,' Akira imitated me. Then he laughed again, clapping his hands. "Shuuuuji likes panties! Pervert!"
"Shut up," I said, irritated and embarrassed but refusing to show it. "It worked, didn't it?"
"Of course. Because you're a GENIUS," Akira said, clapping his hands. He poked my cheek. "GENIUS, GENIUS." I rolled my eyes, ignored the fact that his words suddenly made me feel pleased, and pushed his hand away.
"Let's go," I said. We started biking again and neither of us said another word.
--
"Maybe," Akira said casually, breaking the silence when we had finally arrived at the parking lot by the beach and I started untying the plastic bags, "Maybe you SHOULD get another girlfriend, like that officer said."
Crap. Are we going to talk about my love life and his confession and everything afterwards? I wasn't ready, I still hadn't--
I locked the bike and didn't answer him. He took his bentou and plastic bag and I took mine and we left the bike.
It was when we were walking on the beach with our shoes sinking into the sand, that Akira looked at me and said, "Maybe then it'll be easy to give up."
I froze because suddenly my heart was pounding so hard that I couldn't move.
Though the sky was darker, the moon was bright and it was surprisingly easy to see the serious and sad expression on his face.
"You said that there wasn't any 'right' necessary to love," Akira said, echoing my comment to him when he told me that he was giving up on Nobuta, "But I lost mine when I made Nobuta cry.
"And I lose it again if I make you do something you don't want to. Cuz Shuuji is someone who always does things to please other people, and I don't want that. But I may push you until you do. So, I give up." He raised one hand in surrender. "I didn't handle it as well as I thought I would. Sorry." He paused. "But I'll be back at school tomorrow."
And there it was. I realized that if I left things alone, they would return to the way they had been before. Shuuji and Akira, best friends. It was fun, it was safe, and it was comfortable. But a dreadful feeling in the pit of my stomach told me that this wasn't what I wanted. For me or for Akira.
When I said nothing, Akira shrugged and plopped down onto the sand, sitting cross-legged. He tossed me the second carton of soymilk and started drinking his.
What was this sinking feeling in my gut--? I swallowed my first sip of the soymilk, trying to identify it and trying not to, but I already knew. It was the heart regretting, like what Dad had said. I remembered the guilt that I had felt when Shizuka had thanked me, and I finally realized why I had felt it.
I had "given" Shizuka a chance because I didn't give Mariko one. But I didn't think it would work out -- Akira had to convince me to try it before I did -- so it had never really been much of a chance.
I had tried not to consciously think about if I wanted to be with Akira or not-- didn't even want to consider it, because I knew that if I did... Akira was a guy. That was all I had been thinking about. The consequences. But if I was thinking about the consequences, then doesn't that mean I had been thinking--
I had dismissed any chance with Akira from the start because I was afraid that it WOULD work out.
I liked Akira at least 100 times more than I had ever liked Mariko or Shizuka, combined. He attracted me-- his dark good looks, his carefree personality, his honesty -- he was a much better person than I was. I who couldn't even be honest with myself. When it came to him, I lost control. He was the only person who had ever made me laugh until my stomach hurt, stress until I couldn't sleep, worry until I lied, flush until my temperature climbed up, and make my heart pound so hard that it felt like it would explode in my chest. Like now.
I had been worried about the consequences of falling for someone like Akira, but suddenly they didn’t seem nearly as dire as the consequences of not letting myself fall for Akira: the guilt, the self-loathing, but most of all, the regret. It was the same revelation I had when the police officer first appeared: the world didn't matter in comparison. Akira did.
For me and Akira, *this* did.
I took a deep breath. My hands went into my pocket and in there, they became tight fists. I couldn't remember having ever been so nervous.
"Akira," I said.
"Shuuuuuji," Akira responded. He opened the bag of noodle-chips and offered them to me casually, as if he had not just said something that was so deep and emotional that it shook my entire world. Slightly miffed, I took a chip and fingered it, trying to find the right words to say.
I cleared my throat. Why was this so hard? "Listen, I think," my voice faltered, "I think, um--"
"Eww, don't just play with it," Akira said. "Eat it." He stole the chip from my hand and ate it. I made an annoyed noise and Akira offered the bag to me again. I pushed it away.
"Akira," I said, "Um, I stand by what I said before." Calm down, Shuuji. It was hard to talk to him while I was standing and he was sitting, so I reluctantly sat down.
"I know," Akira said in a glum voice and nodding, "You think it'd be weird."
Strangely, when you get annoyed, you get less nervous. "Not that, I mean what you were just referring to. I don't think you need a 'right' to love anyone. And," my heart started pounding harder and I became aware again of how nervous I was and how lame I was about to sound, but I continued anyway, "You shouldn't give up so easily."
There was a long pause of silence. Akira had stopped chewing. I wanted to look at him, but I found it hard to, so I just stared ahead and watched the waves, holding my breath.
Akira swallowed some more soymilk before he finally raised his hand like an elementary student and said, "Sensei, I don't get it." Pause. "I just said that I give up." He added even more slowly, as if he wasn't sure if I had understood him before, "On you."
I wanted to strangle him. "Forget it," I said, giving up that tactic. I took a deep breath and tried another one. "Look, I'm sorry that I didn't make it in time."
"But you did," Akira said after a pause, sounding confused. "You came. You saw me fight. I was really happy to see you." He straightened up, as if slightly cheered, and his voice reflected the up change in mood. "Mi amigo! Were you coming to my rescue? My best friend came trying to save me! Eternal friendship!" Somehow the last two words came out choked and almost sad, but he turned towards me with smile.
He wasn't getting it and dancing around the subject wasn't helping me either. "I mean, I'm sorry that I didn't make it in time. My mind. That it took so long to make it up. That you had to go through all that before--"
Saying it was too hard. Giving up with words entirely, I caught the back of his head with my hand and leaned in.
I had never kissed before. I mean, I've been kissed before, by Shizuka on the lips (she caught me by surprise), a random classmate in the eighth grade, and technically, by Akira, if you counted the one by the mouth. But I had never kissed anyone before, in my own movement, by my own choice. Relationships were so complicated. I had never wanted one before.
Akira's lips were warm. His mouth was hot. He tasted like salty soymilk. The skin of his cheek was soft against my fingertips.
He pulled back first, hissing slightly. I tasted something metallic in my mouth, realized that the corner of his mouth had still been bleeding, and started to apologize in horror. "I forgot. I'm sorry--"
Akira dropped everything he had been holding, cupped my face into his hands, and pressed his lips against mine.
I don't know how long we were together like that, but by the time we parted, both of us were breathing hard.
Akira asked, "Why?"
I was still trying to catch my breath, but I told him the truth. "I hate," I confessed, "I hate not being in control of my feelings. Not being able to stop myself or my reactions. Not knowing how to act or what's going to happen. Not-- not being sure of myself or of how others will react. Not knowing what I want. Not knowing where we stand. I hate it. All of it.
"But I don't hate you. Whenever you-- you touch me, when you told me, I liked it. I trust you." I took a deep breath. "Even if I'm not in control, you'll be there."
Akira said, "You sure?"
"If this," I said, "Doesn't work out, as long as we stay friends afterwards, then I'm sure." I paused. "But if it doesn't--"
"Even if this doesn't work," Akira said, "I want Shuuji in my life. Us everyday having fun like we always do. So we'll be friends forever."
"Then," I said, "Then it's okay."
And it was, because I couldn't stop grinning and I couldn't remember the last time I felt this happy. Akira shouted, "I'M SO HAAAAAAAAAAPPPY!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs and then tried to kiss me again. I pulled away and laughed.
"Let's get your wounds treated first," I said.
Akira protested, "It's too dark. You won't be able to see them."
"Then let's go home. My house. We can give you some bandages and eat whatever Dad and Koji haven't finished off." I stood up, picked up my plastic bag with one hand, offered him my other, and pulled him onto his feet. "Don't forget your food."
Akira started to move his hand out of mine, but then he didn't. "Ah! My hand doesn't want to let go!" He pulled me along instead as he bent over to pick up his tea bottle and chips one-handedly. Then he spotted the bentou box and I sniggered. Akira's solution after that was to dump everything he had been holding with his free hand into MY plastic bag before picking up the bentou box.
I would have been annoyed if I didn't like the fact that his hand never left mine.
---
Epilogue
I took us back to my place. No cops stopped us on the way. I treated his wounds and, upon their request, he gave Dad and Koji some fantastical descriptions of the fight. They were entranced. He slept over that night with his arm around my waist, and I had the most restful night of sleep since Shizuka first confessed.
He told me that night in a low voice, how he had been so worried about how I would react. How afraid. The vulnerability in his voice as he said this moved me. It was so--so trusting, but as I listened to his voice against my ear, for once, I felt like I deserved the words that he was saying. How he had been afraid, but after he saw me at the end of his fight, he realized that it didn't matter what happened. In light of the possible danger he had been in, and knowing that I had come looking for him and was angered for his sake, he knew that he was still important to me and then he was just glad that I was in his life.
Akira said that he was still looking forward to going to the beach that weekend, or maybe visiting Nobuta. Both suggestions sounded good. I pointed out that we had just been to the beach, so we should go visit Nobuta. Akira agreed and said that he would try to get his dad to hire a helicopter to take us.
He added that if he was successful, he would give Yamada and her friend a lift to the town shopping center.
==========
Author's end notes: In my mind, when Akira shouts, "i'm so happy!" he's shouting "ureshiiyo!" like the song. yup. ^^
Started for sazabe, who will always be a seishun amigo. Speaking of which, does ANYONE have a video clip of her and kirari doing the Seishun Amigo dance at the karaoke room at AX this year? Because I missed it and I'm so sad that I did!
Apologies for the wait. Vacation, crappy internet, and editing. I hate editing. I re-wrote the ending so many times.
A huge THANKS to everyone who read part 1 and left a comment. I've never had so many encouraging responses for a fic before. Hope this part doesn't disappoint too much.
*rubs hands* And now I can finally read the other nobuta fic on this comm! Had been restraining myself for fear of copying, but hohoho, I am now free!