(no subject)
It's 7:20 on November 11th. Leiann is 14 months old, my life, my hell raiser and my all in one gold digger. I've been going to the gym 5 days a week to lose the unwanted weight that I put on while I was pregnant and since no one finds me good enough for being their girlfriend I guess it kept me from taking it off sooner. It's getting cold outside. Not as cold as I like it but it's cold enough. Winter is here and I'm waiting anxiously for the first snow. Winter is my favorite time of the year. And also my least favorite. Everything that shouldn't happen, happens. My depression hits hard...and things that I shouldn't be thinking about doing are done. I know that I'm supposed to be strong enough to not call Lei's dad but I can see it happening. I wish I won't, You never know I might not. It's just that somehow you have more time to yourself when it's colder and you think about everything, not just once or twice but more. You ask yourself who you are, where your at now and what you might do later on. I'm 21, I live with my parents with a lil kid, I work to much and sometimes not even enough because I don't want to be home and I have no one to talk to, to be with me, to relate, to talk me through me crying at night because i'm alone and bitter because everyone that I know that fucks people over have it better then I do, and they take it forgranted. Sure I love being single. I don't have to waste money that I put on bills, don't have to worry about the awkwardness and the babysitter fee's. But knowing that someone is there make's it all worth it and you forget about everything. I don't care about sex, it's just something you do. Which is another thing that I want to talk about, sadly I was talking to someone I used to like and everything he asked me was related to sex, when I was going to give it up. It took me 3 hours to even put a dent in his head on why I don't "Give it up".And even after all that he still asked me when I was going to come over. Lame. But typical for all the guys I know. I miss my friend that I used to talk to late into the night. I miss Scott. I can't hold everything in for a 10 minute conversation once every 2 months. I want him back. I want his arms around me telling me things will be ok. But I can't have that. I don't know where he is...what he's doing..if he's even still alive. I don't know...tomarrow i'm going to the old tattoo shop where I used to work to talk to my piercer. Which actually i'm doing right now online for some reason. AH HA he wants to repierce the girls for the 5th and 6th time...ow. Anyway's I'm going to go sulk infront of the fireplace