(no subject)
I don't know whats going on with me lately..It's like..recently, I have just lost my desire to be the 'good christian girl'. I keep thinking back to last year at Middlesex..and even though i know that what I was doing wasn't exactly moral, and I wasn't being the person I really wanted to be...I had fun. I'm having fun now...but it's good fun..and I miss the daring, adventurous bad fun..the parites..the boys..haha, just all that stuff...I don't want to go back to it, I want to be the "sweetheart", but I feel like there is a stronger part of me that just wants that life back. Aaaaa it's soo anooying.I don't know what to do, and I'm worried. I know that if i wanted too, i could just go to the parties I'm invited too, and hook up with guys, and I have no will power...I feel like the next time someone invites me to a party..or a guy asks me to 'hang out'..I'm going to say yes..and I'm going to get myself in trouble again, or atleast pull myself right back into the life that i tried to get away from this summer...I don't understand how this can happen..This summer was pretty much life changing, and i thought it would stick with me..but it's fading already..and the strong christian values that ive held to are getting weaker. I thought that when your a christian, everything inside of you feels complete..cause God's supposed to fill up that empty hole that nothing else can fill. But i have God, and i feel like i have a huge hole..even more than last year. I'm replaying the things i did last year..and I'm wanting them back..I've always said i dont regret them because i learnt something..but did i really learn something if i want to make those mistakes over again??? I thought i needed to go through those things so that i could get my life on track, but things would be so much better if i had never gone through them...or if this summer hadn't happened..If i had stayed at MX...i would still be living that life, and maybe that wouldnt be such a bad thing. I'm so scared that i'm going to start looking for that life again..go to the wrong parties and make friends with the wrong people..ahh! I have no idea what is going on in my brain right now..i need to go to bed...