damn.
how do you know what you want in life?
or who you want for that matter. i feel lost in some sort of way. ive come to a point where i dont know who my friends are anymore, i dont know what to do with boyfriends and such, i dont know what i want to do with my life next year after i graduate.. i feel so stressed out over these things and at the same time i throw it off to the side and act like its nothing.
but i know its something, so it cant be nothing.
i cant be responsible enough to know what i want. i want to know but i just cant.
and im still trying to do my best at work and at school.
but at work im the only one who actually does shit anymore. im the only one who tries.
i love derek. i do. i know i do. and i wanna be with him. but i just cant stand how we always argue. and its why we break up. but then as soon as were not together, we act 10x better then we did while we're together. and maybe its supposed to be that way, better as friends. but i dont want that. i just want him.
maybe we fight cuz he doesnt act responsible enough. its almost like hes growing up but doesn't want to get the responsibilities of being an adult.
Michela and I barely talk anymore. Shes too involved with Zach to actually chill with me anymore. When i see her at work she annoys the hell out of me by doing absolutly nothing that she should be doing. And it seems shes constantly complaining about a new ache on her body. Pop an advil and learn to deal like everyone else. She goes off lecturing me to be careful with boys when zachs breaking her heart and she sticks to him like a leech because she wants to feel loved. i know guys that could treat her better.
My friends are dropping like flies, im making new ones, but its just not the same.
I recorded a song with brandon. its pretty cool. I actually sound good. i was impressed. couldnt sing it sober though. too nervous. he wants me to preform at a show with him but i aint got the balls to pull shit like that. If he sells the most tickets for his show coming up he gets to play at the techn9ne, kmk, and hed(p.e.) show. Which would mean I get to preform there too. and go backstage. I thought that was cool.
Brandon's tryin to win me back again. He wants to start hanging out with me. and hes already trying to blow his money away on me too. Hes fun and all. I just dont think hes my guy. you know?
Piper asked me out tonight as well. I said no. I don't wanna ruin the friendship him n i have, but he doesnt understand. I know itd ruin everything. Because i just cant cope with shit like that. Not normally. Not to mention me and derek just ended shit friday at the bad fish show.
Speaking of that show. I got in a car accident on the way home. Dereks brother was driving, and derek had climbed in the back to talk to me but i was so mad i didnt want to speak to him. I looked up and next thing i knew we smashed into a telephone pole. Winstons brakes went out and we just went flying into it. I was okay and so was derek, but winston smashed his face into the windsheild.
not to worry though. just a little hole in his lip from his teeth going through it. very scary though. and intense.
Its my second car accident ive been in since january.
thats asking for a good year huh?
im done ranting and updating.
or who you want for that matter. i feel lost in some sort of way. ive come to a point where i dont know who my friends are anymore, i dont know what to do with boyfriends and such, i dont know what i want to do with my life next year after i graduate.. i feel so stressed out over these things and at the same time i throw it off to the side and act like its nothing.
but i know its something, so it cant be nothing.
i cant be responsible enough to know what i want. i want to know but i just cant.
and im still trying to do my best at work and at school.
but at work im the only one who actually does shit anymore. im the only one who tries.
i love derek. i do. i know i do. and i wanna be with him. but i just cant stand how we always argue. and its why we break up. but then as soon as were not together, we act 10x better then we did while we're together. and maybe its supposed to be that way, better as friends. but i dont want that. i just want him.
maybe we fight cuz he doesnt act responsible enough. its almost like hes growing up but doesn't want to get the responsibilities of being an adult.
Michela and I barely talk anymore. Shes too involved with Zach to actually chill with me anymore. When i see her at work she annoys the hell out of me by doing absolutly nothing that she should be doing. And it seems shes constantly complaining about a new ache on her body. Pop an advil and learn to deal like everyone else. She goes off lecturing me to be careful with boys when zachs breaking her heart and she sticks to him like a leech because she wants to feel loved. i know guys that could treat her better.
My friends are dropping like flies, im making new ones, but its just not the same.
I recorded a song with brandon. its pretty cool. I actually sound good. i was impressed. couldnt sing it sober though. too nervous. he wants me to preform at a show with him but i aint got the balls to pull shit like that. If he sells the most tickets for his show coming up he gets to play at the techn9ne, kmk, and hed(p.e.) show. Which would mean I get to preform there too. and go backstage. I thought that was cool.
Brandon's tryin to win me back again. He wants to start hanging out with me. and hes already trying to blow his money away on me too. Hes fun and all. I just dont think hes my guy. you know?
Piper asked me out tonight as well. I said no. I don't wanna ruin the friendship him n i have, but he doesnt understand. I know itd ruin everything. Because i just cant cope with shit like that. Not normally. Not to mention me and derek just ended shit friday at the bad fish show.
Speaking of that show. I got in a car accident on the way home. Dereks brother was driving, and derek had climbed in the back to talk to me but i was so mad i didnt want to speak to him. I looked up and next thing i knew we smashed into a telephone pole. Winstons brakes went out and we just went flying into it. I was okay and so was derek, but winston smashed his face into the windsheild.
not to worry though. just a little hole in his lip from his teeth going through it. very scary though. and intense.
Its my second car accident ive been in since january.
thats asking for a good year huh?
im done ranting and updating.