Is this where I am?
What I did today will affect me for years to come. I never seem to realize the consequences of the choices that I make. My dreams, ambitions, and goals seem lightyears away and I'm not really sure I believe in myself anymore or care for that matter. I'm begining to see myself as just a child with a wild imagination who'll never settle for less. I'll always have my cravings and I'll never be satisfied. I'll always want more of what's out there, it's the inquisitive desire of human nature to excel at all things. But am I truly capable of it? I'm begining to doubt it. Perhaps I overestimated myself.
Many people tell me they believe in me, but why? What have I done to prove so? What am I missing here? Are these sympathy beliefs, or random white lies to make me feel better? It really doesn't matter because if they did mean it, I've let everyone and myself down. I had it together, everything was fine. But I can never prevail over my weakness. These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I let it get to me. I fell behind because I couldn't focus. I have a lot of burning questions and there's something I'm trying to answer, but I have no idea what the question is. But it's there inside me like a splinter. I've never been so ashamed of myself. I would have done fine on the tests if I had just gone. It's not the material. It's never the material. I have such a keen sense of comprehending material. But it seems like my life is so unorganized that it bites at my leg and before I know it, I'm falling. All this time wasted. All these fucking mornings and nights of studying. I guess I shouldn't be upset, learned material is learned material. It's there.
I don't feel as if I can even associate myself with good people anymore, because I don't deserve it. I'll always be here, stuck in this rut of solitude as life races past me. We all wish we could turn time back and change things. This isn't life. Life is about learning and making choices. If we could turn time back, we wouldn't be learning would we?
I was finally in a state of mind that was much calmer than before and I could focus. But it seems as if the moment I regained some clarity, reality sort of kicked me in the face. I think the real subconscious reason I left home was because I felt ashamed. I didn't want my family to have to see me like this. I can't live up to what they have accomplished. My parents were married and had finished school and been around the world by the time they 22. They had already began their careers and have become amazing people. Why did I come out so differently? Most familes grow and their strength prevails. But, I just flat out fucked it up. I guess my road is different than theirs and I'm not here to do what they've done. I'm here to learn other things. But what?
I could say the reason I fucked up was because I slept in, but the truth is it's a series of events leading up to today that have screwed me. Yes, I had a test this morning and presentation and a midterm at noon, which I was ready for.
But I didn't make it. I slept....right through it. But I'm not going to blame it on sleep. Because I went to bed late studying. I was cramming, and that's not what I'm good at. So that's my mistake. So If i were cramming, then why? Well I wasn't using spaced learning beforehand since I was too emotionally distressed and stupid, and I didn't keep up when I should have. But I couldn't. If I could turn time back, I still could not have studied.
I'm not like alcoholics and drug abusers. I don't have a problem and drink it away or go get fucked up. I've coped with my problems by talking about them lately. Worked out to keep my stress down. I do the right things to keep myself balanced. But it doesn't work. It all goes to shit. I'll say the same thing soon. I can do better, I can fix it, I'll be on my feet again. But it's a cyclic thing for me. I've got to stop going in loops and really fix the problem.
If I'm going to support a family one day, I've got to fix this problem. I don't have time to entertain myself with an education. That doesn't make money. I'll have to do that later. For now, it's all about the money. Sad, but that's how our society works. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm really trying to learn new things, but I shouldn't be. I should be focusing on just making the grade and getting it done. That's what everyone else does. But no, that's not me. I can't. I have to soak in what's around me, it's the only way I'll be satisfied. I feel like I don't want anyone I love around me, because I've let them down. I don't know why I feel this way, I really shouldn't. It's embarassing, but that doesn't mean you have to turn your back on people. Must be something about how I was brought up. I guess none of this would bother me if I didn't really want to achieve my goals. So that shows I really do care for what I believe in. i've just lost believe in myself. It's the worst feeling.
At least I can catch lab practical today.
Need to get gas on for warm water.
Many people tell me they believe in me, but why? What have I done to prove so? What am I missing here? Are these sympathy beliefs, or random white lies to make me feel better? It really doesn't matter because if they did mean it, I've let everyone and myself down. I had it together, everything was fine. But I can never prevail over my weakness. These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me and I let it get to me. I fell behind because I couldn't focus. I have a lot of burning questions and there's something I'm trying to answer, but I have no idea what the question is. But it's there inside me like a splinter. I've never been so ashamed of myself. I would have done fine on the tests if I had just gone. It's not the material. It's never the material. I have such a keen sense of comprehending material. But it seems like my life is so unorganized that it bites at my leg and before I know it, I'm falling. All this time wasted. All these fucking mornings and nights of studying. I guess I shouldn't be upset, learned material is learned material. It's there.
I don't feel as if I can even associate myself with good people anymore, because I don't deserve it. I'll always be here, stuck in this rut of solitude as life races past me. We all wish we could turn time back and change things. This isn't life. Life is about learning and making choices. If we could turn time back, we wouldn't be learning would we?
I was finally in a state of mind that was much calmer than before and I could focus. But it seems as if the moment I regained some clarity, reality sort of kicked me in the face. I think the real subconscious reason I left home was because I felt ashamed. I didn't want my family to have to see me like this. I can't live up to what they have accomplished. My parents were married and had finished school and been around the world by the time they 22. They had already began their careers and have become amazing people. Why did I come out so differently? Most familes grow and their strength prevails. But, I just flat out fucked it up. I guess my road is different than theirs and I'm not here to do what they've done. I'm here to learn other things. But what?
I could say the reason I fucked up was because I slept in, but the truth is it's a series of events leading up to today that have screwed me. Yes, I had a test this morning and presentation and a midterm at noon, which I was ready for.
But I didn't make it. I slept....right through it. But I'm not going to blame it on sleep. Because I went to bed late studying. I was cramming, and that's not what I'm good at. So that's my mistake. So If i were cramming, then why? Well I wasn't using spaced learning beforehand since I was too emotionally distressed and stupid, and I didn't keep up when I should have. But I couldn't. If I could turn time back, I still could not have studied.
I'm not like alcoholics and drug abusers. I don't have a problem and drink it away or go get fucked up. I've coped with my problems by talking about them lately. Worked out to keep my stress down. I do the right things to keep myself balanced. But it doesn't work. It all goes to shit. I'll say the same thing soon. I can do better, I can fix it, I'll be on my feet again. But it's a cyclic thing for me. I've got to stop going in loops and really fix the problem.
If I'm going to support a family one day, I've got to fix this problem. I don't have time to entertain myself with an education. That doesn't make money. I'll have to do that later. For now, it's all about the money. Sad, but that's how our society works. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm really trying to learn new things, but I shouldn't be. I should be focusing on just making the grade and getting it done. That's what everyone else does. But no, that's not me. I can't. I have to soak in what's around me, it's the only way I'll be satisfied. I feel like I don't want anyone I love around me, because I've let them down. I don't know why I feel this way, I really shouldn't. It's embarassing, but that doesn't mean you have to turn your back on people. Must be something about how I was brought up. I guess none of this would bother me if I didn't really want to achieve my goals. So that shows I really do care for what I believe in. i've just lost believe in myself. It's the worst feeling.
At least I can catch lab practical today.
Need to get gas on for warm water.