Lookit Me!
Been thinking lately. I realized this weekend that a huge issue for me "lately" has been how others perceive me.
This came as a bit of a surprise to me, since I feel like I've worked through issues of self-consciousness several times in the past. Maybe it's something I have to work through every so often, or maybe I'm working through another level of it now.
I spend a lot of time and energy and "brain cycles" trying to figure out what other people are thinking about me. I also put a lot of effort into changing other people's perceptions of me.
One of the ironies of this, of course, is that I feel very out of touch with how other people view the world. I feel like my perspective is very different from other peoples', to the point that I can barely understand how most people think and feel about things, and why. I don't understand why you people think the way you do about pocket calculators, so my attempts to manipulate, or even conceptualize, your understanding of me in particular seems quite doomed from the start.
But it's hard to avoid. The flipside of feeling judged by other people is seeking validation from other people. I want to ask people if they think my attempts are doomed, or if they feel like I shouldn't be so hard on myself, or if they think that I'm particularly good or bad at being self-conscious.
The place that I'm seeking is a balance between surrendering my own reality, my own truth, to my distorted guesses at other people's reality, other people's percetions, and acting with compassion toward other people; showing respect for their beliefs and experiences without letting them erase my own.
I guess a lot of people are seeking a similar balance. Maybe we all are.
I think maybe the difference is that I focus so much about what other people are thinking about ME in particular. I think some of this is that I've always felt different. Whether I'm better or worse, it seems like I'm so frequently different. Am I special or defective? Should I care? Shouldn't I just try to be the best me I can be, whether or not that's different from, better than, worse than, other people? Shouldn't I stop asking my friends what I should do?
This weekend, I thought a lot about my childhood. I grew up in West Michigan, in a large suburb of a small city, a town obsessed with normalcy. My parents' ethnic background fit perfectly, but their upbringing was very different from our neighbors. Add to that, I had Tourette Syndrome, an emotionally-abusive brother, and an IQ off the charts, and I was pretty quickly branded a big, giant weirdo.
Small wonder I should get involved in activities with people that celebrate weirdness.
But what is this "weirdness"? When I look at my own writings about "What Flipside should be" (or Gigsville, from years back) or "How I should live", or whatever, the word "weird" never enters into it. It's all about treating people well, about being authentic to ourselves, stuff like that. It doesn't seem all that different from things people have been writing for a long time about their own ideals for themselves or their societies.
So, am I special? Am I in your way? Am I making people make a fuss over me so I feel more special? Am I just being sincere to my own truth which is sometimes inconvenient for others? Do others judge me anyway, thinking that I'm making them make a fuss? Should that be upsetting to me? Do they think it should be upsetting to me? Are they upset because they think I'm too upset, or because they think I'm not upset enough, or are they upset about something completely different and they barely have time for thoughts about my identity or what I mean to them?
By the way, I'm not looking for answers to these questions. You're all weirdos, too, so I doubt you understand what these normal people think, or even half of your fellow weirdos. I suppose I could block comments, but that seems to put to fine a point on it. Maybe mentioning it and not doing it is even finer.
I'm left without much ending for this. I'm not really writing this to make any point, though. I'm just sharing where I'm at and what's going on in my head.
I never really posted a Flipside recap, nor anything else in awhile. I guess my Flipside recap is best summed up with the word "Yeah".
This came as a bit of a surprise to me, since I feel like I've worked through issues of self-consciousness several times in the past. Maybe it's something I have to work through every so often, or maybe I'm working through another level of it now.
I spend a lot of time and energy and "brain cycles" trying to figure out what other people are thinking about me. I also put a lot of effort into changing other people's perceptions of me.
One of the ironies of this, of course, is that I feel very out of touch with how other people view the world. I feel like my perspective is very different from other peoples', to the point that I can barely understand how most people think and feel about things, and why. I don't understand why you people think the way you do about pocket calculators, so my attempts to manipulate, or even conceptualize, your understanding of me in particular seems quite doomed from the start.
But it's hard to avoid. The flipside of feeling judged by other people is seeking validation from other people. I want to ask people if they think my attempts are doomed, or if they feel like I shouldn't be so hard on myself, or if they think that I'm particularly good or bad at being self-conscious.
The place that I'm seeking is a balance between surrendering my own reality, my own truth, to my distorted guesses at other people's reality, other people's percetions, and acting with compassion toward other people; showing respect for their beliefs and experiences without letting them erase my own.
I guess a lot of people are seeking a similar balance. Maybe we all are.
I think maybe the difference is that I focus so much about what other people are thinking about ME in particular. I think some of this is that I've always felt different. Whether I'm better or worse, it seems like I'm so frequently different. Am I special or defective? Should I care? Shouldn't I just try to be the best me I can be, whether or not that's different from, better than, worse than, other people? Shouldn't I stop asking my friends what I should do?
This weekend, I thought a lot about my childhood. I grew up in West Michigan, in a large suburb of a small city, a town obsessed with normalcy. My parents' ethnic background fit perfectly, but their upbringing was very different from our neighbors. Add to that, I had Tourette Syndrome, an emotionally-abusive brother, and an IQ off the charts, and I was pretty quickly branded a big, giant weirdo.
Small wonder I should get involved in activities with people that celebrate weirdness.
But what is this "weirdness"? When I look at my own writings about "What Flipside should be" (or Gigsville, from years back) or "How I should live", or whatever, the word "weird" never enters into it. It's all about treating people well, about being authentic to ourselves, stuff like that. It doesn't seem all that different from things people have been writing for a long time about their own ideals for themselves or their societies.
So, am I special? Am I in your way? Am I making people make a fuss over me so I feel more special? Am I just being sincere to my own truth which is sometimes inconvenient for others? Do others judge me anyway, thinking that I'm making them make a fuss? Should that be upsetting to me? Do they think it should be upsetting to me? Are they upset because they think I'm too upset, or because they think I'm not upset enough, or are they upset about something completely different and they barely have time for thoughts about my identity or what I mean to them?
By the way, I'm not looking for answers to these questions. You're all weirdos, too, so I doubt you understand what these normal people think, or even half of your fellow weirdos. I suppose I could block comments, but that seems to put to fine a point on it. Maybe mentioning it and not doing it is even finer.
I'm left without much ending for this. I'm not really writing this to make any point, though. I'm just sharing where I'm at and what's going on in my head.
I never really posted a Flipside recap, nor anything else in awhile. I guess my Flipside recap is best summed up with the word "Yeah".