good and evil and freedom
I do not like that this world presses on me the need to look at it and have to choose between good and evil. With that I mean, I get disappointed that there is evil on the world that confronts me and tempts me to choose it, and that it even exists on Earth. I choose the good but the things of good too can be so entangled and conditioned that I don't feel free anymore.
When I was a kid I left good and evil for my parents to decide, and I lived in goodness having had wonderful parents and sisters. Now that I am grown up and now that one of my parents is already dead I have this feeling that I must shoulder everything alone. And while I used to have to watch out for mistakes, now I am also having responsibility and because of my issues I am often afraid of that. I feel like I am responsible even for my thoughts, yet I cannot always control them, I am responsible for my entire being and cannot make myself a really good man.
Sabine, one of the ladies in our group home, tells me that I need to be a good man in common understanding. No crimes, goodness, kindness and love, that should be my job to express in life. And I agree that this is the real deal. But I feel that the teaching of christianity that we are all evil does not fit to that and gives me despair. I cannot really rest in forgiveness, that's something I have not quite learned yet. I mean, I know God forgives me but I do not feel forgiven often.
Life on Earth is hard when you've lost paradise.
When I was a kid I left good and evil for my parents to decide, and I lived in goodness having had wonderful parents and sisters. Now that I am grown up and now that one of my parents is already dead I have this feeling that I must shoulder everything alone. And while I used to have to watch out for mistakes, now I am also having responsibility and because of my issues I am often afraid of that. I feel like I am responsible even for my thoughts, yet I cannot always control them, I am responsible for my entire being and cannot make myself a really good man.
Sabine, one of the ladies in our group home, tells me that I need to be a good man in common understanding. No crimes, goodness, kindness and love, that should be my job to express in life. And I agree that this is the real deal. But I feel that the teaching of christianity that we are all evil does not fit to that and gives me despair. I cannot really rest in forgiveness, that's something I have not quite learned yet. I mean, I know God forgives me but I do not feel forgiven often.
Life on Earth is hard when you've lost paradise.