Could be interesting.

[nobleplatypus]

So, as y'all undoubtedly know (unless you're new or tend to skim or something), I identify as asexual and aromantic. This means, in a nutshell, that I am neither sexually nor romantically attracted to other people: I have no interest in banging anyone or dating anyone

Comments

[nobleplatypus]

I don't know your friend's romantic orientation, so there are two ways I could answer this.

I think it's a common misconception that asexuals are necessarily disinterested in romance because romance and sex are considered to be inseparable, and it's true that some aces (such as myself) are disinterested in anything beyond platonic relationships. But most aces do experience what we call "romantic attraction"--the desire for all the warmth and fuzziness that a romantic relationship would provide. That's why we usually identify ourselves as "asexual and [hetero/homo/bi/pan/a]romantic" when we talk about our orientations. It's possible--even likely--that your friend is personally familiar with what it's like to fall in (or be in) romantic love, even if she doesn't know what it's like to look at someone and think, "I'd hit that."

The other answer, presuming your friend is aromantic, is that we all grew up hearing the same stories and drinking the same cultural kool-aid. I'd guess that many aromantic aces took a while to figure themselves out because they'd internalized the message that a romantic partnership is the only real relationship that matters, and it can take a while to realize and come to terms with your own disinterest in something you're supposed to want more than anything. So in that sense, I don't think anyone is really approaching romance from a place of total and utter ignorance.

Plus, as you said, writers often write outside the boundaries of their own personal experience.

Hope this helps!

[alto2]

So, what I think you're saying is that there can be a separation/division (not sure what the right word is--compartmentalization?) that exists between romance and sex, and so you can have/like/be interested in romance but not want to take it any further? Is that right, or am I misunderstanding? (I don't have that ability to compartmentalize, apparently, so I am not sure if I'm getting it or if I'm totally missing something important.)

I agree that writers write outside their personal experience, but can they write outside their own emotional experience? Or is the cultural kool-aid enough to counteract a lack of emotional experience here? Or is it more empathy? (But then, can empathy exist if the emotion you're empathizing with is totally alien to you?) I'm kinda thinking out loud here and kinda hoping for clarification, so take that as you will. Regardless, it's interesting to contemplate.

BTW, I really appreciate you providing the opportunity to ask this sort of stuff, because it's tough to grasp on your own--and tough to ask questions without feeling like you're either an idiot or being an unintentional ass because you just have no clue.

[nobleplatypus]

Yep, that's a good way of putting it! Just as it's possible to have sex without romance, it's possible to have romance without sex. As a society, we're far more familiar with the idea of casual sex than sexless romance, but they're both real things that happen.

For most asexuals, there's just no automatic progression from "I love this person and want to spend my life with them" to "and also I want to have sex with them," because sexual attraction isn't part of the equation. To us, that's on par with something like, "I love this person, so naturally I want to go kayaking with them." It doesn't follow.

This is where things can get complicated, because some asexuals are willing to have sex with their partners to make them happy, or for the emotional side of the equation, just as some people who aren't really into kayaking might be willing to go kayaking with their partner if their partner was into that sort of thing. But the innate desire to have sex is still absent.

BTW, I really appreciate you providing the opportunity to ask this sort of stuff, because it's tough to grasp on your own--and tough to ask questions without feeling like you're either an idiot or being an unintentional ass because you just have no clue.

Hey, that's why this post exists. ^_^ It is easy to forget, after you've immersed yourself in the online asexual community, that a LOT of the information you take for granted is not easily available to the public at large.

[nobleplatypus]

To expand on writing against your emotional experience, I think it is possible through both empathy and familiarity (due to the cultural kool-aid). A writer could realistically portray a character's murderous rage without having ever been so furious that they killed someone, because they've undoubtedly been angry before and know from observation that sometimes rage makes people stabby. It'll take some imagination, but that's writing for you. ;)

I suspect that even aromantic asexuals don't (or even CAN'T) find romantic love to be that alien of a concept. We all have people we care about and are all capable of forming strong bonds. We all experience attraction in some form, even if it isn't sexual or romantic in nature (I can expand on this if you like; let me know). That, combined with the romantic narratives we've internalized, makes writing romance less of a stretch than it could be.

[andi_horton]

I could fit the description of your friend myself, although lately I have been writing less in the romance department. So this is going to be pretty much anecdotal, and I just hope it helps.

I identify as romantic (albeit also asexual) and I personally love the ideal of a good-fit romance. Any couple with complementing strengths who've got each other's backs no matter what? That's pretty much my gravy. So you'd find a lot of that in the things I watch, read and write.

When it comes to my writing, sometimes couples have sex, and sometimes they don't. Depends on the story, the couple, and the particular situation. If they do have sex, I tend to focus on whatever emotional connection they're sharing or write it as a natural extension of plot-based tension between them, because THAT'S what I want the sex scene to enhance: their relationship, and the story of it.

I don't know if these particulars are the case for your friend of course, but in a more general sense, does that help at all?

(I also quite like the "control over the strawberry" analogy sinneahtes gave)

[alto2]

This does help--thank you! :)