Let me start from the beginning...
Wow, so yeah, it's been a long damn time since I used LJ. I still have the tee shirt I ordered a decade ago! Yeah, I haven't been on here since... 2008? I guess I didn't need to come back at the time. Between Myspace and then Facebook and then tumblr, I didn't need this quiet place.
Now it's different. I need a quiet place. I need a place that no one remembers me, that no one saunters around. I have half a mind to fuck around on Gaia! I'm too old for that shit...
I deleted my former journal. No need to look on the past, I remember it pretty damn clearly.
I need the anonymity. I know that sounds like a loser thing, but let me explain.
Oddly enough, this has very little to do with Lolita. The goils are all gone. They have all "grown up" and don't have time for "childish things," which only tells me they never understood the thing they were so passionate about. Other than cake, carousels, and teddy bear prints, there isn't a damn thing childish about Lolita fashion. As for the drama, it's all theatre. Some exist for it, some don't. I like to sit and watch it unfold like a Michael Jackson meme. It's only fun until it's you being smeared~ That's what happened there.
Enough about the Lolita aspect of my life, the real reason is that the few friends I have, I'm hiding from them. I have had this one friend particularly for a very long time, and while I love her, she has become more and more venomous and toxic... I was once able to ignore it, but now, it is starting to affect me and my abilities. I have no one to vent to about her bullshit, because my other friends are so closely connected to her, some not knowing her as long as I have and thus either SJW her bullshit to it being "okay" or they blatantly accept her for the POS she has become.
NaNoWriMo is starting soon, and I moved my family a good deal away for work. We were all Wrimos in the same region. While my old account is still connected to them, and I am "participating," I have opened a new account to represent the new life that my family and I have started piecing together. There is a Home Region nearer than the other one. On one hand, I feel like a traitor, even though most of them would understand, but I know that one friend...
So this is the typical pattern my friend follows: something she dislikes occurs, others are understanding while she is not, she sees their acceptance of the situation, she creates false scenarios that created the situation, she offers the scenarios as fact, she inserts lies to justify the original lie. She has done this with people several times. If I were to just bust in to the old region forum and say "Hey I love you guys, but there's a region group fifteen minutes from me that I'm going to join so I have companionship during this event without travelling two and three-quarter hours. Miss you!" then everyone would be like "OMG we'll miss you! Hop on a virtual write-in anytime! Happy writing!" Cuz ya know, they are reasonable human beings.
Except one. She may or may not play the same "love you too" tune, but she would take it as a personal attack-- she's got that serious of issues. Why has Noble left? Couldn't be because she lives eighty miles away-- no, Noble is being a bitch with her new friends, calling me fat and talking about how much I'm this and that. I need to tell the others about what Noble is doing, because she totally told me about what she really thinks! ....She's medicated, but I don't think it's strong enough.
I mention the "fat" thing directly because I have given her shit about it. Look, I am not going to body-shame, but when you are stationary 98% of your day unless you need to take a shit or sleep, you're fat because you're a lazy dumbshit and your health problems are on you, not your genetics-- knowing you have a genetic predisposition for diabetes, heart disease, and so on makes this whole thing much worse. You wouldn't get off your ass to get your own soda ten paces in the kitchen because you "finally got comfortable" in the ditch you dug into the couch.
Anyway, I am distancing myself specifically for Nano because she is a downer for it, big time! She brought down our ML! Our ML that has had a winning streak for, fuck me, since Nano started had trouble getting motivated to write because she was bombarded by all the reasons why my fucktard friend couldn't be. All the problems, all the nonsense-- because while sometimes life sucks, the magnitude she makes it is bullshit-- it eats away at you until you just don't want to do anything. Except maybe run the hell away.
I need to write. I need to write this novel! I need to be far as fuck away from her, now more than ever. She and her poor husband have declared that if they can't raise a certain amount of money, they are going to have to declare bankruptcy. ...This amount isn't even 5K. Now, if me and mine were in 5K of trouble, I think we would need some help. We both work 40+ hours a week and have all the grown-up bills of a grown-up, hell, I haven't bought a Lolita dress in a long time trading dress for dress. But this bitch doesn't have a job! No, her husband works his ass off, and then has to come home to her! She's not a home-maker, she's like having a a cat. He comes home from 8-10 hours not including the traffic-heavy drive and must take out the trash, clean up whatever mess she has made, cook dinner, prep something for her breakfast and lunch the next day, clean up after their actual cat, pay the bills, figure groceries, and then babysit her boohoos about how bad her day was.
I don't like making her a villain, but she makes it so fucking easy! I love talking to her about my ideas and the things I enjoy, but she has started to take the "joy" out of that... and quite frankly, while for several years now with her severely declining health, I was trying to get as much time with her as I could-- my best friend. Now, I have completed mourning her, and I am just waiting for her to die. And I think her husband might be too. I can't blame him. She was quite the monetary investment, and a life insurance plan would be the final pay off. He would need it to recover anything of his life, otherwise he will be stuck paying for her for decades.
Our money is tight, and I want to get us out of that situation. We moved closer to my work and out in the boons to survive financially; now, I think I can get us in that happy spot. I just need to write this one book. Maybe not just one, and it probably won't be this monumental piece, but I feel like if I get this one book published, I will be set for the rest of my life. And when I say "set" I mean in regards to luck. I feel like everything will start falling into place.
I can visualize my publishing this damn thing, and whether it sells or not, things will look up for us. Maybe I get seen by my boss and we can have an exchange that leads to a promotion or at least a raise. Maybe my husband gets his promotion. Maybe, just maybe, things look a little brighter ahead of us and the worry gets lighter in weight.
But I can't do this with Nay-Say-McGoo. She gotta go! I gotta go! I can't be around her for November. I want to say ever again, but I am not going to fool myself. She is a bad habit I can't kick, but then admitting that may be the first step. I don't know, we will see. Right now, I need to focus on the task. Thus, this journal! Here is where I will bitch and moan and gripe. Looks like a good place to start...
Now it's different. I need a quiet place. I need a place that no one remembers me, that no one saunters around. I have half a mind to fuck around on Gaia! I'm too old for that shit...
I deleted my former journal. No need to look on the past, I remember it pretty damn clearly.
I need the anonymity. I know that sounds like a loser thing, but let me explain.
Oddly enough, this has very little to do with Lolita. The goils are all gone. They have all "grown up" and don't have time for "childish things," which only tells me they never understood the thing they were so passionate about. Other than cake, carousels, and teddy bear prints, there isn't a damn thing childish about Lolita fashion. As for the drama, it's all theatre. Some exist for it, some don't. I like to sit and watch it unfold like a Michael Jackson meme. It's only fun until it's you being smeared~ That's what happened there.
Enough about the Lolita aspect of my life, the real reason is that the few friends I have, I'm hiding from them. I have had this one friend particularly for a very long time, and while I love her, she has become more and more venomous and toxic... I was once able to ignore it, but now, it is starting to affect me and my abilities. I have no one to vent to about her bullshit, because my other friends are so closely connected to her, some not knowing her as long as I have and thus either SJW her bullshit to it being "okay" or they blatantly accept her for the POS she has become.
NaNoWriMo is starting soon, and I moved my family a good deal away for work. We were all Wrimos in the same region. While my old account is still connected to them, and I am "participating," I have opened a new account to represent the new life that my family and I have started piecing together. There is a Home Region nearer than the other one. On one hand, I feel like a traitor, even though most of them would understand, but I know that one friend...
So this is the typical pattern my friend follows: something she dislikes occurs, others are understanding while she is not, she sees their acceptance of the situation, she creates false scenarios that created the situation, she offers the scenarios as fact, she inserts lies to justify the original lie. She has done this with people several times. If I were to just bust in to the old region forum and say "Hey I love you guys, but there's a region group fifteen minutes from me that I'm going to join so I have companionship during this event without travelling two and three-quarter hours. Miss you!" then everyone would be like "OMG we'll miss you! Hop on a virtual write-in anytime! Happy writing!" Cuz ya know, they are reasonable human beings.
Except one. She may or may not play the same "love you too" tune, but she would take it as a personal attack-- she's got that serious of issues. Why has Noble left? Couldn't be because she lives eighty miles away-- no, Noble is being a bitch with her new friends, calling me fat and talking about how much I'm this and that. I need to tell the others about what Noble is doing, because she totally told me about what she really thinks! ....She's medicated, but I don't think it's strong enough.
I mention the "fat" thing directly because I have given her shit about it. Look, I am not going to body-shame, but when you are stationary 98% of your day unless you need to take a shit or sleep, you're fat because you're a lazy dumbshit and your health problems are on you, not your genetics-- knowing you have a genetic predisposition for diabetes, heart disease, and so on makes this whole thing much worse. You wouldn't get off your ass to get your own soda ten paces in the kitchen because you "finally got comfortable" in the ditch you dug into the couch.
Anyway, I am distancing myself specifically for Nano because she is a downer for it, big time! She brought down our ML! Our ML that has had a winning streak for, fuck me, since Nano started had trouble getting motivated to write because she was bombarded by all the reasons why my fucktard friend couldn't be. All the problems, all the nonsense-- because while sometimes life sucks, the magnitude she makes it is bullshit-- it eats away at you until you just don't want to do anything. Except maybe run the hell away.
I need to write. I need to write this novel! I need to be far as fuck away from her, now more than ever. She and her poor husband have declared that if they can't raise a certain amount of money, they are going to have to declare bankruptcy. ...This amount isn't even 5K. Now, if me and mine were in 5K of trouble, I think we would need some help. We both work 40+ hours a week and have all the grown-up bills of a grown-up, hell, I haven't bought a Lolita dress in a long time trading dress for dress. But this bitch doesn't have a job! No, her husband works his ass off, and then has to come home to her! She's not a home-maker, she's like having a a cat. He comes home from 8-10 hours not including the traffic-heavy drive and must take out the trash, clean up whatever mess she has made, cook dinner, prep something for her breakfast and lunch the next day, clean up after their actual cat, pay the bills, figure groceries, and then babysit her boohoos about how bad her day was.
I don't like making her a villain, but she makes it so fucking easy! I love talking to her about my ideas and the things I enjoy, but she has started to take the "joy" out of that... and quite frankly, while for several years now with her severely declining health, I was trying to get as much time with her as I could-- my best friend. Now, I have completed mourning her, and I am just waiting for her to die. And I think her husband might be too. I can't blame him. She was quite the monetary investment, and a life insurance plan would be the final pay off. He would need it to recover anything of his life, otherwise he will be stuck paying for her for decades.
Our money is tight, and I want to get us out of that situation. We moved closer to my work and out in the boons to survive financially; now, I think I can get us in that happy spot. I just need to write this one book. Maybe not just one, and it probably won't be this monumental piece, but I feel like if I get this one book published, I will be set for the rest of my life. And when I say "set" I mean in regards to luck. I feel like everything will start falling into place.
I can visualize my publishing this damn thing, and whether it sells or not, things will look up for us. Maybe I get seen by my boss and we can have an exchange that leads to a promotion or at least a raise. Maybe my husband gets his promotion. Maybe, just maybe, things look a little brighter ahead of us and the worry gets lighter in weight.
But I can't do this with Nay-Say-McGoo. She gotta go! I gotta go! I can't be around her for November. I want to say ever again, but I am not going to fool myself. She is a bad habit I can't kick, but then admitting that may be the first step. I don't know, we will see. Right now, I need to focus on the task. Thus, this journal! Here is where I will bitch and moan and gripe. Looks like a good place to start...