How's this for concise
Mmm i can now add Ben Shaver to the long list of people who've made me cry. Not on purpose, and he will never know unless he reads this. ahh the beauty of the internet as a form of communication. I cried because Ben can do all those things that I can't seem to do. Obviously not for a lack of trying. I'm sure I'll get over this, just like I got over Miranda.
Have you ever had the feeling that you will never be good enough for yourself? I think if I actually got genuine encouragement I might feel good enough. My art is more amazing than it has ever been and I love it even more. I love life in general, I really do (mm Holden momement?)
Maybe I just need to invent some new kind of unit of messurement. I'm like a kid at that age when you check every day to see if you grew. But it seems that I have no proof of growth. Sometimes it even feels like I'm shrinking.
Then there is Ben. Some deity knows what he thinks of me. Sometimes I feel that he's only seen me at my worst. But sometimes I feel like that's the only fast way to really get to know someone, so I don't mind. It seems though, no matter how open I am, for better or worse, that there is some unnamed vibe of acceptance that's not there. Yes, I admit, i want "the almighty Ben Shaver" to accept me. He doesn't have to like me, just be okay with me. Who knows why I even care... But it's so hard not to care. And why in the world would I want to not care?
maybe so what I worry about wouldn't be posted for the world to see.
but i prefer it that way.
I should write a book
i'd call it Catcher in the Sigh
Have you ever had the feeling that you will never be good enough for yourself? I think if I actually got genuine encouragement I might feel good enough. My art is more amazing than it has ever been and I love it even more. I love life in general, I really do (mm Holden momement?)
Maybe I just need to invent some new kind of unit of messurement. I'm like a kid at that age when you check every day to see if you grew. But it seems that I have no proof of growth. Sometimes it even feels like I'm shrinking.
Then there is Ben. Some deity knows what he thinks of me. Sometimes I feel that he's only seen me at my worst. But sometimes I feel like that's the only fast way to really get to know someone, so I don't mind. It seems though, no matter how open I am, for better or worse, that there is some unnamed vibe of acceptance that's not there. Yes, I admit, i want "the almighty Ben Shaver" to accept me. He doesn't have to like me, just be okay with me. Who knows why I even care... But it's so hard not to care. And why in the world would I want to not care?
maybe so what I worry about wouldn't be posted for the world to see.
but i prefer it that way.
I should write a book
i'd call it Catcher in the Sigh