flames and explosions; should of payed attention to the smoke.
Wow.Phew. What a fucking mess of a night.
I'm not too sure what just happened. It's the middle of the morning so i'm also not too sure what i'm suppose to do to deal with it all. Other than try to calm down and get to sleep.
My heads thumping and my eyes are sore from wiping them on my sleeve.
The back of my hoody is cold and damp from when i ran outside to sit and sob under the big tree just like i would as a little girl. Which is also the reason for the wet mud smeared across the right knee and shin of my light wash denim jeans, and for the globs of mud up my once white trainers. I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable and I feel exactly the same mix of anger, resentment and frustration which I did after my father had humiliated and tormented me as a child. Except this time, it was the abandonment of my father being used as the bait, by mum's new partner who is unarguably on a power trip within this whole shabby situation.
Irreputably issues need resolving. I'm not so sure how many times i'm expected to swallow all pride and emotions though.
We go through cycles of angst. It's quite clear that it's not been well recieved me moving back home from uni (being perfectly honest, it's not been the greatest experience for me either), but situation was pressing and there wasn't an alternative. If there could have been, i would of gladly taken it. Nobody likes being the resident falls body.
I've been blasted and interrorgated from ever angle, by a 47 yr-old 'man' or 'bully' ahem, about 'why' i came home and 'what' i'm going to do about being literally in this house -because thinga have changed around here doncha know, so i am required to adapt to the new rules, which means whatever he says is law, even if its completely nonsensical, unreasonable and selfish... A man who has been on the scene for all of two minutes and moved in while i was at uni and now believes it's his house so i must answer to him. I feel as though i no longer have a 'home' anywhere.
I've needed support not constant attacks. And yes, brilliant, i don't have a dad who wants to be apart of my life. thanks for that.
I know that mum needs a future life after her kids have left, and i do support that.
what i completely dont support is being denied the right to be a daughter, or to have the support of a parent. I lost my dad, for whatever reason he decided he couldn't handle being our father. Now i've had my relationship with my mother strangled and manipulated by a man who has zero ability to empathise, listen or understand the implications the human condition, also known as emotions and needs. He deals with us kids as clients or points on an itinery of chores which are irritating his life. It is startlingly clear that there is no bond or love there. We are not his children and therefore anything mum does for us is seen as a debt and when i request to spend time with mum alone that it is obviously because i want to 'manipulate' her against him. WTF. i think this man should take a long look in the mirror to realise the cause for his paranoir. Mum, herself, i feel distanced from. The few moments he's not around are always cherished. Funny how mum seems to like us then. hm.
It's the low levels of pettyness which are being stooped to, to make my life as uncomfortable and humilating as possible. For example, i am unable to invite people round. Which obvs affects my social relationships with friends, but especially my personal one with my boyfriend, as it limits the time he has to build relationships with my family and for me to welcome him into my life. Although my life is currently spent sitting in the car in a random spot drawing or writing, generally anywhere avoiding having to come 'home'.
I really need to sort myself out and move out.
It's become increasingly apparent that any life here isn't going to come easy. I supposedly am having things 'easy' right now, but emotionally i am drained, and stressed and tired out with it all. I'm not sure who to turn too. Close friends have always been great supports, but this isn't something long chats or warm words can solve. It's been 9 months or dodging bullets now, i don't want to bow to his game but i'm tired. I think i need to focus on moving out, and cutting anything which links back to him being able to use as dynamite against me.
I get so angry and frustrated whilst i listen to him pick, and paraphrase, and protagonise lines which if just listened to, solve any possible 'dispute'. Dispute is a joke though, i have bowed and jumped and hola'd to everything to try and keep things sweet. trying at best to disregaurd all the hurt and personal needs i had after my experience in exeter. It's like depression is something not to be spoken off in the house, and they'd rather overlook it than deal with the issues of a girl who sometimes can not survive. If i'd broken my leg, i doubt they'd be shouting "RUN!"...well, he may...meow.
I'm getting very drousy. my heads very cluttered and painful, and i think it's time for bed.
One comment has never made me cry do heavily before though. I actually could not bear to be around him before he'd even finished the sentence. I tx it to my boy quite soon after, and re-reading it now still makes my eyes swell. If he was trying to provoke a reaction, then he did a fucking good job. Sometimes i do believe men are quite evil within their unattached emotionless selves. Certain things have heavy baggage, and anything regarding my father has a whole broken heart of it.
I don't like dwelling. Everyone has problems i know. But sometimes things hurt so much, and it explodes and errodes us. and i would do anything to have the last few years rewritting with him not turning his back, gauranteed new bloke wouldn't treat us like this with the bio dad still present.
Where's my fairy godmother when i need her.
I'm not too sure what just happened. It's the middle of the morning so i'm also not too sure what i'm suppose to do to deal with it all. Other than try to calm down and get to sleep.
My heads thumping and my eyes are sore from wiping them on my sleeve.
The back of my hoody is cold and damp from when i ran outside to sit and sob under the big tree just like i would as a little girl. Which is also the reason for the wet mud smeared across the right knee and shin of my light wash denim jeans, and for the globs of mud up my once white trainers. I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable and I feel exactly the same mix of anger, resentment and frustration which I did after my father had humiliated and tormented me as a child. Except this time, it was the abandonment of my father being used as the bait, by mum's new partner who is unarguably on a power trip within this whole shabby situation.
Irreputably issues need resolving. I'm not so sure how many times i'm expected to swallow all pride and emotions though.
We go through cycles of angst. It's quite clear that it's not been well recieved me moving back home from uni (being perfectly honest, it's not been the greatest experience for me either), but situation was pressing and there wasn't an alternative. If there could have been, i would of gladly taken it. Nobody likes being the resident falls body.
I've been blasted and interrorgated from ever angle, by a 47 yr-old 'man' or 'bully' ahem, about 'why' i came home and 'what' i'm going to do about being literally in this house -because thinga have changed around here doncha know, so i am required to adapt to the new rules, which means whatever he says is law, even if its completely nonsensical, unreasonable and selfish... A man who has been on the scene for all of two minutes and moved in while i was at uni and now believes it's his house so i must answer to him. I feel as though i no longer have a 'home' anywhere.
I've needed support not constant attacks. And yes, brilliant, i don't have a dad who wants to be apart of my life. thanks for that.
I know that mum needs a future life after her kids have left, and i do support that.
what i completely dont support is being denied the right to be a daughter, or to have the support of a parent. I lost my dad, for whatever reason he decided he couldn't handle being our father. Now i've had my relationship with my mother strangled and manipulated by a man who has zero ability to empathise, listen or understand the implications the human condition, also known as emotions and needs. He deals with us kids as clients or points on an itinery of chores which are irritating his life. It is startlingly clear that there is no bond or love there. We are not his children and therefore anything mum does for us is seen as a debt and when i request to spend time with mum alone that it is obviously because i want to 'manipulate' her against him. WTF. i think this man should take a long look in the mirror to realise the cause for his paranoir. Mum, herself, i feel distanced from. The few moments he's not around are always cherished. Funny how mum seems to like us then. hm.
It's the low levels of pettyness which are being stooped to, to make my life as uncomfortable and humilating as possible. For example, i am unable to invite people round. Which obvs affects my social relationships with friends, but especially my personal one with my boyfriend, as it limits the time he has to build relationships with my family and for me to welcome him into my life. Although my life is currently spent sitting in the car in a random spot drawing or writing, generally anywhere avoiding having to come 'home'.
I really need to sort myself out and move out.
It's become increasingly apparent that any life here isn't going to come easy. I supposedly am having things 'easy' right now, but emotionally i am drained, and stressed and tired out with it all. I'm not sure who to turn too. Close friends have always been great supports, but this isn't something long chats or warm words can solve. It's been 9 months or dodging bullets now, i don't want to bow to his game but i'm tired. I think i need to focus on moving out, and cutting anything which links back to him being able to use as dynamite against me.
I get so angry and frustrated whilst i listen to him pick, and paraphrase, and protagonise lines which if just listened to, solve any possible 'dispute'. Dispute is a joke though, i have bowed and jumped and hola'd to everything to try and keep things sweet. trying at best to disregaurd all the hurt and personal needs i had after my experience in exeter. It's like depression is something not to be spoken off in the house, and they'd rather overlook it than deal with the issues of a girl who sometimes can not survive. If i'd broken my leg, i doubt they'd be shouting "RUN!"...well, he may...meow.
I'm getting very drousy. my heads very cluttered and painful, and i think it's time for bed.
One comment has never made me cry do heavily before though. I actually could not bear to be around him before he'd even finished the sentence. I tx it to my boy quite soon after, and re-reading it now still makes my eyes swell. If he was trying to provoke a reaction, then he did a fucking good job. Sometimes i do believe men are quite evil within their unattached emotionless selves. Certain things have heavy baggage, and anything regarding my father has a whole broken heart of it.
I don't like dwelling. Everyone has problems i know. But sometimes things hurt so much, and it explodes and errodes us. and i would do anything to have the last few years rewritting with him not turning his back, gauranteed new bloke wouldn't treat us like this with the bio dad still present.
Where's my fairy godmother when i need her.