Another love story.
"I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It's not a box that holds you in. I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or yours). I love you. It's not to make you change. I love you. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that." -Anonymous
Couldn't say it better. Hopefully this vacation will get me completely away from here. Away from the stress of work and being overwhelmed in this side of my life. Away from you. I need to get away because I am so drawn to you that I get aggravated with your situation. I want to help but I can't. You need to do this on your own. I am going to stop giving you advice. You know where I stand.
I was mad about your birthday. Actually, I was pretty fucking pissed but I blew it off so I could see you and not add any stress. I canceled my plans that I worked so hard for so you could be happy. As always, I ignore my emotions to put you first. I have to stop putting you first. Putting your children first. I know now that I am doing it for no reason and I am losing this battle against myself. Against fighting off how I feel to be your best friend. Against going home never knowing whether I am going to be upset or happy over you doing so well with your girlfriend. I hate myself for trying so hard to stay on this fence between taking it too far or being just friends. I don't want to be put into a permanent friend zone because then I lose all opportunity to give you the best. To give Jordan and Jocelyn the best. I am going on vacation to clear my head, work towards what I need to do business wise to put myself ahead and to look for a new home. I think that I need to go. It is not because of you, it is because of me. Because I can't handle it. I can't handle seeing you so disappointed. I can't handle sitting on a fence anymore. I need to go for me. I decided on the twelfth because I figured out where I stand. I am not as important as I thought I could be. I have been realizing it for about two months now. I let it hit me when you couldn't even trust my judgment on what is crossing the line and what's not.
I was throwing you a private concert by the way. Ashley, Ben, Mandi, Rob, Matt and some chick Matt knew was going to be there. It was going to be in Matt's basement because it's easier if he doesn't have to move his equipment. He and his friend play a lot of 70's and 80's rock stuff that I figured you would like to hear. They were going to sing happy birthday too. I thought it wasn't crossing a line. Apparently it is. I wanted you to go to Mandi's birthday because that is where you would meet the people who I had planned this all out with. I planned it all out and it would have totally worked out if it wouldn't have leaked to your girlfriend. I hate it that I can't even be your friend without it crossing a line. I am closer to Keyci and Mike than that by far but yet I am crossing a line. Obviously, our outlook is more different than I thought. Or should I say your girlfriend's outlook? She has complete control over you whether you realize it or not. You can't stick to anything and she is determined to get what she wants. Maybe your right. You NEED her. You NEED someone who uses you. I hate to say it but open your eyes. It has been five years. How could all this stuff just now become apparent? How could she possibly treat you like she does and look you in the eyes and tell you she loves you when she is so high on your pills she can't feel anything? How can you do that to yourself? I understand your oblivious but open your eyes. There is obviously a decent world out there that you are missing because you are letting people like you have always known use you. Your father does the same thing. He gives everything to people who don't appreciate him. You are surrounded by addicts. Name one addict that loves you for more than your pills. You do it because that is what you know. That is what you have always known and your so afraid of change that you limit yourself. Autism at it's best. Be comfortable. Make yourself happy any way you can. I wish you luck. Right now, I have to do what is best for me. I have to think of myself otherwise you are going to lose me forever. I don't want to lose you but I can't stand here and watch you not stand up for yourself. I understand that's who you are but I think you have so much more strength in you. You doubt yourself. Stop doubting yourself because that is what holds you back.
Until I talk to you again, I love you. I love you for who you are and for all your imperfections. I love your children, your dog, your crazy family. I love you for who you are but most of all what I see in you. I don't have the balls to say any of this because I am scared too you know. I am scared of losing you before I walk away. If I walk away it means I am ready and I am not ready yet. Who knows whether I will ever be ready. Who knows if I will ever get any sleep. Who knows whether I will ever fall out of love with someone who knows not even half of me nor how I feel. Who knows if I will ever stay or run away from my feelings for someone who overlooks me. I could scream to you that I love you and you wouldn't hear me. Not while you are blinded by this negativity that you surround yourself with. I am going to pray that while I am away you smile and realize that you are above this. I pray that you wake up. I am just afraid that whenever you do, it's going to be too late.
Couldn't say it better. Hopefully this vacation will get me completely away from here. Away from the stress of work and being overwhelmed in this side of my life. Away from you. I need to get away because I am so drawn to you that I get aggravated with your situation. I want to help but I can't. You need to do this on your own. I am going to stop giving you advice. You know where I stand.
I was mad about your birthday. Actually, I was pretty fucking pissed but I blew it off so I could see you and not add any stress. I canceled my plans that I worked so hard for so you could be happy. As always, I ignore my emotions to put you first. I have to stop putting you first. Putting your children first. I know now that I am doing it for no reason and I am losing this battle against myself. Against fighting off how I feel to be your best friend. Against going home never knowing whether I am going to be upset or happy over you doing so well with your girlfriend. I hate myself for trying so hard to stay on this fence between taking it too far or being just friends. I don't want to be put into a permanent friend zone because then I lose all opportunity to give you the best. To give Jordan and Jocelyn the best. I am going on vacation to clear my head, work towards what I need to do business wise to put myself ahead and to look for a new home. I think that I need to go. It is not because of you, it is because of me. Because I can't handle it. I can't handle seeing you so disappointed. I can't handle sitting on a fence anymore. I need to go for me. I decided on the twelfth because I figured out where I stand. I am not as important as I thought I could be. I have been realizing it for about two months now. I let it hit me when you couldn't even trust my judgment on what is crossing the line and what's not.
I was throwing you a private concert by the way. Ashley, Ben, Mandi, Rob, Matt and some chick Matt knew was going to be there. It was going to be in Matt's basement because it's easier if he doesn't have to move his equipment. He and his friend play a lot of 70's and 80's rock stuff that I figured you would like to hear. They were going to sing happy birthday too. I thought it wasn't crossing a line. Apparently it is. I wanted you to go to Mandi's birthday because that is where you would meet the people who I had planned this all out with. I planned it all out and it would have totally worked out if it wouldn't have leaked to your girlfriend. I hate it that I can't even be your friend without it crossing a line. I am closer to Keyci and Mike than that by far but yet I am crossing a line. Obviously, our outlook is more different than I thought. Or should I say your girlfriend's outlook? She has complete control over you whether you realize it or not. You can't stick to anything and she is determined to get what she wants. Maybe your right. You NEED her. You NEED someone who uses you. I hate to say it but open your eyes. It has been five years. How could all this stuff just now become apparent? How could she possibly treat you like she does and look you in the eyes and tell you she loves you when she is so high on your pills she can't feel anything? How can you do that to yourself? I understand your oblivious but open your eyes. There is obviously a decent world out there that you are missing because you are letting people like you have always known use you. Your father does the same thing. He gives everything to people who don't appreciate him. You are surrounded by addicts. Name one addict that loves you for more than your pills. You do it because that is what you know. That is what you have always known and your so afraid of change that you limit yourself. Autism at it's best. Be comfortable. Make yourself happy any way you can. I wish you luck. Right now, I have to do what is best for me. I have to think of myself otherwise you are going to lose me forever. I don't want to lose you but I can't stand here and watch you not stand up for yourself. I understand that's who you are but I think you have so much more strength in you. You doubt yourself. Stop doubting yourself because that is what holds you back.
Until I talk to you again, I love you. I love you for who you are and for all your imperfections. I love your children, your dog, your crazy family. I love you for who you are but most of all what I see in you. I don't have the balls to say any of this because I am scared too you know. I am scared of losing you before I walk away. If I walk away it means I am ready and I am not ready yet. Who knows whether I will ever be ready. Who knows if I will ever get any sleep. Who knows whether I will ever fall out of love with someone who knows not even half of me nor how I feel. Who knows if I will ever stay or run away from my feelings for someone who overlooks me. I could scream to you that I love you and you wouldn't hear me. Not while you are blinded by this negativity that you surround yourself with. I am going to pray that while I am away you smile and realize that you are above this. I pray that you wake up. I am just afraid that whenever you do, it's going to be too late.