Fifty Eight: Where Our Hero Bitches Like Crazy About Feeling Like...A Bitch
First of all, this is about the Eli/Adele scandal. Be warned.
So. I've mulled it over, right?
Mulled, thought, pondered, considered, etc..
I try. Alright? Let's get that out there first. I try to listen. I am that person who will listen to you talk and nod my head, saying "Mmhmm" or "Ah" to prove I'm listening, checking in on the conversation, whatever, right? I can't always have something to say, I can't always reply right away-I have other things to do. It's not that I don't care, it's that I'm human and not only focusing on one thing at a time. And I'm a shit multitasker, but I think I do alright with what I can do, so yeah. I try. And yes, I don't IM people first often, but it's not because I don't like them, it's because I have a fear of rejection. I have it in real life, too. It comes with having low self esteem, folks, but when I IM a person, and they say they are busy or can't talk, I feel awful for having been a bother. I don't have enough confidence a lot of the time to be a bother, so I get shaken. So, I avoid it at all cost. I am a chicken, I admit it, cluck cluck cluck. And sometimes? Sometimes I don't know what to say to your comments. But I try. I try. Point number one, numero uno, I try.
So, thank you for pointing out I don't IM you ever, Eli/Adele/Whomever you really are (I like to think the girl from Texas is actually a 45 year old man from Boston sometimes.) and saying I don't really care. I needed that kick in the figurative balls. Because I've got it so great, not needing rp to keep me going, to keep me away from my fictional drugs, my fictional pain over being paraplegic and my fictional boyfriend who actually left me months ago, I cannot possibly have a lick of reason to complain and not follow your God damn mother fucking drama with a fine tooth comb, working out all your shit for you. No, I cannot possibly have issues with my father's remarrying without me being there causing me to feel like he is leaving his children behind; Nope, I cannot possibly feel like my friends are slowly leaving me for other people, an issue I faced when I was younger and thought I had moved past; No, I cannot POSSIBLY have my own self esteem problems over my weight because I'm not a fucking minority paraplegic in fucking Ireland, so I don't have it bad at all. No, I can't be a good person because I don't IM you or have anything to say when you say 'i don't know what to do with myself anymore'. Sometimes I hit the wall, too, with MY CHARACTERS. I can't be upset because I don't have it as bad as a FUCKING CHARACTER that I didn't even know I was rp-ing with. Fancy fucking that. No, I'm not paraplegic, no, I'm not gay, no, I'm not having trouble with my boyfriend (whodoesn't exist) but I do have the problem of some Fucking bitch from Texas lying to me for years and making me feel like a bad person...Does that count for anything? No? Well. Darn. Thanks for making me cry over being a bad friend to you. I needed that, for reals, dawg. Oh and by the way, I might not be any of those things, but neither the fuck are you. Hm.
Oh? And la te da, you 'came out' to Katie. You are trying to better yourself. First fucking step? Don't dump all this fucking shit on a person younger than you and better than you by leagues. I get that you're messed up, I get that you need friends, but you do NOT need company in the fucking hole you dug for yourself, so don't fucking drag my friends down with you. Pull yourself up, fix yourself up, and fucking take a look at yourself before you take advantage of a caring friend. How dare you hurt her like this? How dare you? Oh, I was pissed that you lied to me for years, but I was fucking livid over the fact that you could put all this on a sixteen year old girl. And I'm not saying Katie is not mature enough to handle this. I am saying she shouldn't have to handle it. She doesn't deserve your shit all up in her face, mmm k? You ever stop and think that other people can have their own issues to deal with? That you, opening up and shit, can be harmful? Fuck no. Hardly. You had to tell her because you 'love her'. Fuck. That. Shit. You had to tell her because you were coming apart and so you grabbed for the nearest and dearest thing while you tumbled and guess what, it was Katie. Fuck off. You asked me if I wanted you to stop talking to her, and I told you if she wanted to stop speaking with you, so be it, but I wasn't going to step in between you two. But you know what? I wish you would stop. I want you to so very badly, and it's nothing to do with jealousy that you like her more than me-fuck, it was a relief, quite frankly, since you had bitched at me more than once before she came into the picture about being a bad friend, and it stopped when she came around-and it had nothing to do with the fact that she adored you and went on about you like you went on about her-it has everything to do with the fact that she. Does not. Deserve your BULLSHIT drama. I bet you're a great gal, underneath all the lies, deceit, drama and bitchyness, but hey. Call me petty, but when a person who is 19 thinks it's okay to fuck with a 16 year old, even if you 'love them'? I think that's called bullying? Mmmhmm, yeah, yeah it is.
And how about the fact that after you came out of the closet, or went back in, or whatever the fuck you call it when a bitch lies to you for fucking YEARS, it took you how long to actually talk to me about it? To apologize? Oh, you are all over apologizing to Katie-and I might sound jealous here, but no. Just bitter-trying to be her friend again, etc. etc., and I have to hear about 'oh, adele just got back from a party' or 'adele is playing remus' or other bullshit and not. A. Word. from you. Nothing. Not even a 'Gotcha!' Nope. Not until I finally snap over something completely unrelated due to the fucking pent up anger over this shit do I finally say 'stfu about adele' do I hear from you. And you say you are scared of what I'm going to say. Fuck YES, be scared, you lied to me for years, bitch, but don't make it worse by lurking around and doing nothing about making amends! I was crazy livid when, out of no where, there was Adele, joining an rp I was in. Excuuuuuse me? Can a lady get some warning? Maybe a little 'Hi hello, I'm all up in your rp now as my REAL name and you have to accept it'? I dunno. Might have helped. Livid. LIVID, I tells ya.
But yet I cope. So well, obviously. Aha.
And now you ask me if I want you to leave the rp. I want to say yes, for other people do not deserve to be subjected to you, but I say no, because it's not something I want you to blame on me. I will not give you something to add to your list of woes-'Lilly chased me away from rp, and rping is all I have [except my big fucking web of LIES]'-because you already know I don't care for you, so this is nothing new, all of this. This is for me. No, you can stick around, but I am not going to go out of my way to interact with you. And it pisses me off, but I can keep ic/ooc, and my characters who are friendly will talk to yours, even if I'm thinking 'maybe Adele is a fake too, and this is what this person is really like?' And what really creeps me the fuck out is that the character has hints of Eli to him and it's like skin crawlingly creepy to me. I spoke with that person for years. I emailed him when he was in the hospital to keep him up to date with plot. I tried to comfort them when they were freaking out. I was told off by them for rping with another player more than I rped with them. But hey, can't complain about that anymore, can you? Because I rped with you for YEARS straight. Snap.
So, congrats on getting your shit together. Congrats that Katie is a better person than me and still wants to put up with your shit, and con-fucking-grats you can have enough fucking self esteem to bother people, or else your little herd of drama llamas would go astray and then what? You'd have to go back to your real life of being a pretty girl from Texas who fucking doesn't have enough sense to follow the basic rule of RPing.
Keep OOC and IC fucking seperate.
And scene.