(no subject)
for the past two months, shit has been really fucked up.
well, for the past few years, really.
for those of you that know me for real, youd know that im not the straightest person in the world, but i always leaned towards guys.
recently ive had my eyes opened as to why.
in december, i met someone who has pretty much flipped my entire world upside down.
for the good and bad.
his name is rostin, and hes a transgender struggling to come out into the community as the guy that he wants to be. he has honestly been one of the best/worst decisions in my life. he has opened my eyes to so many more things that i cant even begin to explain.
we have definitely had our ups and downs, being how hes struggling on a day to day basis with the two people that he has come to be, katie and ro, and im just constantly stressed out about anything and everything, trying to deal with the range of emotions going on inside my brain, and the confusion of my own sexuality.
but somehow, we've persevered through the past few months, and its been a learning experience, to say the least, the whole entire way.
hes been there for me when no one else was, and he has taught me so much about myself, and just life in general.
im not saying that hes like, my one and only soulmate we're going to be together forever kind of thing.. not that a girl cant wish.. but he definitely is a contender.
i realize now, after nineteen years of struggling with this, that really the only reason ive dated/wanted to be with guys is because they were just more easily accessible. they were there, and apparently i was attractive to them. im not saying they arent attractive to me, but its not anywhere near the same level that women are.
i just cant seem to connect with any guy on the kind of level that i can with girls. i honestly feel like im lying to myself when i say that i was happy or not questioning myself, or completely uncertain if this was right, in any relationship that i was in with any guy at all.
i always felt as if i was lying to myself, and had to constantly talk myself into the "norm". i'm really sick of being fake and holding everything in until something bad happens and i blow up on someone for no reason. thats pretty much how i've felt since i was thirteen.
im scared to say what this whole entry was about, what i wanted to just get off my chest and out into the fucking open before i explode..
ive talked to a few of my close friends and talked to my sister. they've all been supportive of me, and are with me all the way. i know that by coming out completely, that i might lose a lot of friends, and that i might be looked down upon for the rest of my life from here on out.
but seriously, i cant do this anymore, i really cant keep all this inside and keep lying to myself and everyone else.
im gay.
i think i might just keep writing now, hoping that someone will pass over that last part, and maybe not notice it.
i wonder how long it will take for me to press the "post" button after im done?
you might think im an idiot for posting this on live journal of all things, but seriously, saying it out loud, telling it to people, makes me feel so much better. it honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off of me, and that i can breathe again.
that im not a fucking liar and a fake, and that maybe now, i can start to deal with everything on my plate without that constantly looming overhead. maybe now i'll be able to sleep at night without having anxiety attacks every couple hours.
im not going to say im sorry, im not going to apologize for this. im forcing myself not to.
honestly, i just want to be happy. and im on my way to getting there, i felt it when i talked to my best friend about this the other day, and she said she didnt give a shit, that shes been my friend since we were thirteen, and me liking girls wasnt going to change that.
and when my sister said that she didnt care who i dated, as long as i was happy. shes fourteen.
i really hope that the rest of my friends and family can have the same reaction. really, i do.
here we go.
this was the biggest step for me, even if no one reads this, im putting it out in the open.. and im scared as shit to see how many people will drop me. i guess we'll find out.
well, for the past few years, really.
for those of you that know me for real, youd know that im not the straightest person in the world, but i always leaned towards guys.
recently ive had my eyes opened as to why.
in december, i met someone who has pretty much flipped my entire world upside down.
for the good and bad.
his name is rostin, and hes a transgender struggling to come out into the community as the guy that he wants to be. he has honestly been one of the best/worst decisions in my life. he has opened my eyes to so many more things that i cant even begin to explain.
we have definitely had our ups and downs, being how hes struggling on a day to day basis with the two people that he has come to be, katie and ro, and im just constantly stressed out about anything and everything, trying to deal with the range of emotions going on inside my brain, and the confusion of my own sexuality.
but somehow, we've persevered through the past few months, and its been a learning experience, to say the least, the whole entire way.
hes been there for me when no one else was, and he has taught me so much about myself, and just life in general.
im not saying that hes like, my one and only soulmate we're going to be together forever kind of thing.. not that a girl cant wish.. but he definitely is a contender.
i realize now, after nineteen years of struggling with this, that really the only reason ive dated/wanted to be with guys is because they were just more easily accessible. they were there, and apparently i was attractive to them. im not saying they arent attractive to me, but its not anywhere near the same level that women are.
i just cant seem to connect with any guy on the kind of level that i can with girls. i honestly feel like im lying to myself when i say that i was happy or not questioning myself, or completely uncertain if this was right, in any relationship that i was in with any guy at all.
i always felt as if i was lying to myself, and had to constantly talk myself into the "norm". i'm really sick of being fake and holding everything in until something bad happens and i blow up on someone for no reason. thats pretty much how i've felt since i was thirteen.
im scared to say what this whole entry was about, what i wanted to just get off my chest and out into the fucking open before i explode..
ive talked to a few of my close friends and talked to my sister. they've all been supportive of me, and are with me all the way. i know that by coming out completely, that i might lose a lot of friends, and that i might be looked down upon for the rest of my life from here on out.
but seriously, i cant do this anymore, i really cant keep all this inside and keep lying to myself and everyone else.
im gay.
i think i might just keep writing now, hoping that someone will pass over that last part, and maybe not notice it.
i wonder how long it will take for me to press the "post" button after im done?
you might think im an idiot for posting this on live journal of all things, but seriously, saying it out loud, telling it to people, makes me feel so much better. it honestly feels like a weight has been lifted off of me, and that i can breathe again.
that im not a fucking liar and a fake, and that maybe now, i can start to deal with everything on my plate without that constantly looming overhead. maybe now i'll be able to sleep at night without having anxiety attacks every couple hours.
im not going to say im sorry, im not going to apologize for this. im forcing myself not to.
honestly, i just want to be happy. and im on my way to getting there, i felt it when i talked to my best friend about this the other day, and she said she didnt give a shit, that shes been my friend since we were thirteen, and me liking girls wasnt going to change that.
and when my sister said that she didnt care who i dated, as long as i was happy. shes fourteen.
i really hope that the rest of my friends and family can have the same reaction. really, i do.
here we go.
this was the biggest step for me, even if no one reads this, im putting it out in the open.. and im scared as shit to see how many people will drop me. i guess we'll find out.