remedial runway 101, or: how i learned to stop worrying and love the cycle
After a much awaited cycle premiere, I was thrilled to see that ANTM has really reached new levels of ridiculousness. A prep school theme? Tyra as the Homecoming Queen (with pageant hair and fake teary make-up)? Oh Tyra, I love you and the fact that you are a woman-born-woman who is a half-click away from being a drag queen.
I have to admit that I was pretty pleased with my preliminary choices for models that I would potentially like and models that I wouldn’t like. As a rule, however, I do not pick favorites until after the first couple of photo shoots and the makeover episode. And sweet merciful Christ do these girls need makeovers! One thing that struck me was I just how rough looking these girls were this season. No one looked ready to go out there and be a model. A ton of these girls had skin problems, too. Is this cycle brought to you in part by Proactiv?
Anywho, here’s my take on the girls as we've seen them in the first episode:
Aimee
Her family is Mormon, blah blah blah, they don’t approve of modeling. Yawn.
Allison
I love the fact that she hates Wisconsin as much as I do. I like her in person a bit better than I do in her first picture. She hasn’t done or said anything to particularly thrill me though.
Amy “Amis”
Apparently there “isn’t room for two Amys” in the Top Model house, as per Tyra. So Aimee and Amy “Amis” will have to battle to the death or something. I think that’s what she said. Anyway, I love how weird Amy “Amis” is and how extremely dyke-y she was during the whole episode. She’s either going to be really annoying or really entertaining this cycle, and most of my money is on entertaining.
Anya
She is prettier on TV than she is in a photograph, and I absolutely cannot stand the sound of her voice. The minute they decide to do a commercial she is Hawaiian bread toast.
Atalya
She wasn’t very memorable, although she didn’t have much screen time (I believe) either. I’m still bored by her.
Claire
I am still absolutely in love with Claire because she is drinking her own breast milk. WHO DOES THAT? Well, Claire, apparently. Big props to her for having a baby and managing to get back a good body. I’m on the fence about her hair, and she’s one who I remember had some problem skin.
Dominique
I love that there have already been numerous drag queen references to Miss Dominique, and that makes me love her more. She was pretty darn fierce, although some of her shtick about being out of an abusive relationship and stronger now (a la J. Lo in Enough) are pretty old. I also didn’t care too much for her know-it-all and bossy sort of ways. Girl, you are on this show because you couldn't make it in the real modeling world by yourself.
Fatima
Loved, loved, loved this girl last night. She is gorgeous, already got the Iman shout-out, has that African accent, stirred up shit but in a smart manner, has no clitoris, and hates on ghetto girls. The female circumcision thing really made me feel bad for her, and I predict she will be the Cover Girl of The Week now. My only quibble with her is that she can not walk. At all. But a lot of the girls this season have walking issues. Maybe they are all circumcised, too!
Katarzyna
She was another girl that I liked better in motion, although her stock photo wasn’t bad.
Lauren
Oh, the hot-ass mess that is Lauren. She is the epitome of the broken-down dolls that Miss J always talks about on the show. She is awkward-looking, unkempt, and can’t walk her way out of a paper bag. She's wrong, wrong, wrong but she could end up being right. She could go on to become one of the biggest transformations that this show will ever see. Or she could fail in a spectacular blaze of glory. Either way, I’m watching.
Kim
The poor man’s Gemma Ward did absolutely nothing to impress me during the first episode. I almost died when Miss J called her out on having a scrunched face. She is essentially the human facial equivalent of a pug. And to cap it all off she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. She is a bank teller, and when Tyra asked her if "she took a lot of money" she replied "Oh yeah, tons." not realizing that Tyra was asking her if she stole money from her job.
Marvita
Marvita’s back, going to therapy, and still looking kinda like a dude. I don’t think she’ll win this, but I’d like to see how far she can go. There was a reference about her coming back and making it on the show like Jaslene did. She (like Jaslene) failed the psychological testing last year, so she got help. Good on her. The problem is that they already feel that she's lost some of her spark. What the judges don't realize is that in taking away some of her crazy, they take away some of her appeal. I did love her lack of tact during the big female circumcision reveal. Marvita asks, “Does this make you less of a woman?” The rest of the girls responded, “She’s more woman than you’ll ever be.”
Stacy-Ann
I’m still not convinced that she is photogenic, but I loved her personality and her little lap dance music she created for when she gave Mr. Jay a lap dance.
Whitney
Go Team Chunk! Whitney is in it to win it this year. She says she watched and was disappointed with the bigger girls from previous cycles, and mentioned something about them losing a spark or whatever. News flash, big girl, the plus sized girl NEVER wins Top Model. It just doesn’t happen. This show is not about pushing the idea that big, even with extremely fortunate proportion, is beautiful (although did you see her in her bathing suit? homegirl is hippy!).
So that's it so far. Next week's episode promises to show us an extremely exciting fashion show in the middle of Times Square, potential bitchiness by Paulina Porizkova (do I smell a new Janice? YAY!), and a shocking elimination.
Until then, check your thighs in the mirror. AND I'M DONE!