the sound of hells gates closing in my face, will i make it after all?
where do i begin? well ill start wiht the few things that still bring joy to my life, maybe. after 3 years of waiting, i finally get to see korn in 3 days. i dont know why, but i dont seem as excited as i thought i would. hmmm. on saturday log and i are hopfully going to go see the used and trust company. that should be fun.
i've been doing alot of thinking, about life in general. ive come to a few different conclusions. 1 is saying fuck you what makes you so special? why be sad all the time? life is to short to waste your time not making anything of your time. still with me? k, then the other weak part of me is saying i wish i were stronger so i could think that way, it comes down to one thing, i dont really know what is wrong. i guess its just a alot of things all put together to cause this huge problem in my head. regrets are bad, bec with regrets come guilt, and i have a problem with caring guilt with me. i dont want to feel like this anymore, i miss being happy ash...now im just blah. i miss fun weekends, weekends that didnt contain me drinking to have a "good time" what ever that is? i love that line from that movie "never been kissed"....'someone once told me to write what i know', well this is what i know the past 3 months have been bad, getting worse infact. im scared. i just feel like the world is colapsing all aroud me and i dont know what to do. but moreover, i feel like my life is colapsing, its mine, yet im so helpless to save it. i envy so many of my friends that it sometimes hurt to even see them. i look at them and think t omyself sometimes, why i cant i be more like that. so for the final conclusion that i came to is this: i am who I AM and if you dont like it or me, then FUCK OFF bec. chances are i dont like you, i know that sounds way rude, but im at a point in my life that im "so over" as people may say at westlake. im sick of drama, im sick of fights, im sick of crying, and i am fucking sick of people who just kfnsdklfj see now im geting pissed. im so tired, my mind is. i wish there were something that could label people as true friends, and a "waste of your time" sorta thing. seriosuly what is a FRIEND? i would love to know bec i just cant seem to figure it out myself. ok well im exahusted from this. to my *true friends* you know who you are, i do love you, and just know this: if i have ever done anything to hurt or upset you, it was not intentional, and more importantly im sorry. nite
i've been doing alot of thinking, about life in general. ive come to a few different conclusions. 1 is saying fuck you what makes you so special? why be sad all the time? life is to short to waste your time not making anything of your time. still with me? k, then the other weak part of me is saying i wish i were stronger so i could think that way, it comes down to one thing, i dont really know what is wrong. i guess its just a alot of things all put together to cause this huge problem in my head. regrets are bad, bec with regrets come guilt, and i have a problem with caring guilt with me. i dont want to feel like this anymore, i miss being happy ash...now im just blah. i miss fun weekends, weekends that didnt contain me drinking to have a "good time" what ever that is? i love that line from that movie "never been kissed"....'someone once told me to write what i know', well this is what i know the past 3 months have been bad, getting worse infact. im scared. i just feel like the world is colapsing all aroud me and i dont know what to do. but moreover, i feel like my life is colapsing, its mine, yet im so helpless to save it. i envy so many of my friends that it sometimes hurt to even see them. i look at them and think t omyself sometimes, why i cant i be more like that. so for the final conclusion that i came to is this: i am who I AM and if you dont like it or me, then FUCK OFF bec. chances are i dont like you, i know that sounds way rude, but im at a point in my life that im "so over" as people may say at westlake. im sick of drama, im sick of fights, im sick of crying, and i am fucking sick of people who just kfnsdklfj see now im geting pissed. im so tired, my mind is. i wish there were something that could label people as true friends, and a "waste of your time" sorta thing. seriosuly what is a FRIEND? i would love to know bec i just cant seem to figure it out myself. ok well im exahusted from this. to my *true friends* you know who you are, i do love you, and just know this: if i have ever done anything to hurt or upset you, it was not intentional, and more importantly im sorry. nite