Asylum Europe- my convention report
…which isn’t a report at all. Sorry guys, I tried. For my own private diary I wrote 7 pages in Word and am still scratching on the surface of what happened. So I decided to share with you not the “and then they said this and then happened that”-part, because you can look all that up on YouTube, Twitter and Supernaturalwiki, and that’s what I’m doing, too. (And Jensen himself said that he would do so, too- read what he said on Twitter.) What I want to write here is more about my emotions, little things that shook my world and broke my heart. Because for me, this wasn’t much of a happy weekend where I had lots of fun. It basically hurt me to the core of my soul, and I am still recovering. (And that is the reason for my absence in your journals- I apologize, f-list!!!)
Here is the leghth of it.
What you need to know: DO NOT JOIN A ROGUE EVENT. They failed horribly at organizing. That was probably the worst part- I went there with many expectations, and they all got shattered because Rogue failed to communicate. Had I known that they decided to raise the tickets on sale from 480 to 1000 and that the limitation on Jensen’s photo-ops was eliminated (and we would be chased through the room where he sat (!)) or that we would have no chance for personalized autographs, I would have known what to expect and corrected my hopes accordingly. But I had in mind what other people reported from other cons, so… yeah. Never again. I talked to other fans who had visited cons before, and they were totally pissed, too. And allow me to add that I myself had a job before where I organized seminaries and conferences-- had I messed up like Rogue did, I would have been fired. But at least they made a lot of money.
I was there for Jensen. I saw him on a few occasions- (1) at the autograph session, (2) at my photo-op, (3) at the panels and (4) on the floor. (I mean he was walking there, not lying, which I would have preferred.)
(1) I will leave out the rest like the queuing and the slave masters from the Rogue Staff. Jensen. He was sitting there with only a table between him and me, and he looked up and said “Hi!” And I had told myself before to check him out thoroughly- his eye color, his lips, his hands, his smell, his voice, his watch, his everything. And when I looked into his eyes, my brain went blank. There was nothing else than his eyes. Dark green, with a lot of brown, but green still. And oh so intense- like the person standing before him was the center of his universe. Jensen is incredibly concentrated and focused, and all he emanated was friendliness and calmness, inner peace. He was very polite- and very distanced. I wanted him to sign my laptop, so I gave it to him and explained that basically my entire life was in there and that therefore it would be fitting if he put his signature on it. And then came one of my highlights. His hands caressed the sides of my laptop, as if he admired it (it is a very large Vaio), and all I could think was: “….” I WANT TO BE MY LAPTOP!!!! Plus, his hands are much more slender than on TV. In general I was surprised that Jensen in real life isn’t that chunky as he appears to be on photos. He is… leaner. And he is beautiful. Yes, newsflash, I know, but- I just didn’t expect THAT. Hubby said he was surprised that Jensen looked as good in flesh as on TV. Where was I? Oh, the signing. Jensen asked me where he should sign my laptop and did as I wished. While he wrote I asked him if he could write “Happy birthday” on it, too, because it was my birthday, but the Rogue-staff-woman next to him immediately intervened: “No personalization!!!” Jensen pretended not to hear, and I don’t blame him- why should he disappoint me when he had one of the organizers who had made up the rules next to him?! When he was finished, he gave me back my laptop, and I could see my hand reaching out to touch his. I really WATCHED myself doing this, because my brain (partly online again) told me not to. But screw it. I did it. Touch number 1. Then my hubby (who really, really loves me and endures the shittiest crap for me) said to Jensen that today was my birthday. And now Jensen looked at me again, with this intense gaze and a slight smile and congratulated me. I curtsied and thanked him. I must have grinned like a… no, there are no comparisons to that.
And at that something became very clear to me- I was just like everyone else in there. Something in me wanted acknowledgement from Jensen, wanted him to know that I exist, and I wanted to mean something to him. Which is the most stupid thing ever, but really these are exactly the dreams other people make money with. And that’s okay! It’s just good to know one’s own true motivation.
Of course it was a strict “no photographs!”-policy, but… did I mention my wonderful hubby?!
(2) I only got my photo taken on Sunday afternoon because I was told by the Rogue idiots that on Saturday other groups before mine were due. Which wasn’t true, either, as I learned later. Jensen was sitting in a darkened room, and we were told “no posing!!!”, which made me very sad because I had dreamt about a certain scenario (NO!!! Not THAT thing!), but that would have required Jensen standing, so it didn’t work. What happened took about 15 seconds: He looked at us when it was our turn, said hi, and I asked him if it was okay to touch him- the people before me didn’t touch him, and I wanted to be polite. He said: “Sure!” So I slipped my arm around him and put my other hand on his shoulder.
And that was the moment when my heart broke.
I know how stupid that is, but this is how I feel: When my hand was on his back, I felt his firm muscles beneath his shirt, his warmth. Jensen is a very strong, well-trained man, but at that moment it was as if my hand was bolstering him, as if I were protecting him and giving him consolation. And since then I feel a loss, as if I met a very precious person I care for so much but had to let go the same minute I met him. Anyway, I rubbed his back after the pic was taken, said my Thank you, and even though I forgot everything else I wanted to say, this one thing came back into focus. I was already on my way out but returned and said: “Oh, and God bless you!” Because I mean it. Because it is important to me. I didn’t notice, my nerves were completely gone, but hubby later told me that Jensen had already been in contact with the next fan, but that he turned around again to look at me and said a genuine “Thank you!” And then we were out and it was over.
(3) I love Jensen. And Jared’s panel was so full of life that I really wish I could find his face beautiful. What I perceived about Jared really made me his fan, I so enjoyed him and his performance on the con. I guess I am in love with how I think he might be (from my observations), but since I will never know the real Jared I need other things to drool about- and his face just doesn’t do it for me. Though his laugh is so intriguing and his eyes are full of light… someone said that Jared was a collection of several beautiful details while Jensen was beautiful as a whole. I agree.
-
(4) Meeting Jensen and Jared on the floor (corridor?!) was fun- because their bodyguards were soooo important! I coulnd’t help but quoting from a worship song: “Make way for our God!” JJ always averted their eyes when they caught someone’s gaze as not to prompt them to speak to them. Only once Jared answered a comment that was thrown at him, and he was really nice. And Jensen smiled when I said Hi for the third time on that day. But obviously the bodyguards were necessary because a fan got banned from the convention for getting into Jensen’s or Jared’s personal space…
Other than that- Richard Speight, Jr is GREAT!!!!! He is without pretenses, he is funny, he is sensible and sensitive. I attended two of his panels (one with Mark Shepard), and I was really impressed by his presence, his sense of humor and his willingness to take each and everyone serious (which Brock Kelly and Fredric Lehne didn’t, and I left their panel when they mocked a fan’s English who had a speech disorder. Not funny, idiots. Go and learn German.) So when I got his autograph I told him that he totally won me over and that I hadn’t known him before SPN but that I would totally catch up on his work now. He laughed and wrote “Danke!” (“thank you”) in my book . So I asked him: “But you don’t speak German, do you?!” Richard: “No, but I would love to learn that!” Me: “I would love to teach you. Just call me. Anytime.” And he laughed again and said delightedly: “I will, thank you!” That was my funniest moment, I think. Of course he doesn’t have my number. Not yet. *gg*
-
There was so much going on, and this is just such a small part. And one great thing: I met people in person whom I had only known from LJ- that was such a wonderful experience!!!
I might post some more pics later, but there are much better pics floating around here from people who have better cameras and/or were sitting up in the front rows. So I don’t think you need mine :-). And if you did read till here- THANK YOU. I feel better now as I got this off my chest.
-
Here is the leghth of it.
What you need to know: DO NOT JOIN A ROGUE EVENT. They failed horribly at organizing. That was probably the worst part- I went there with many expectations, and they all got shattered because Rogue failed to communicate. Had I known that they decided to raise the tickets on sale from 480 to 1000 and that the limitation on Jensen’s photo-ops was eliminated (and we would be chased through the room where he sat (!)) or that we would have no chance for personalized autographs, I would have known what to expect and corrected my hopes accordingly. But I had in mind what other people reported from other cons, so… yeah. Never again. I talked to other fans who had visited cons before, and they were totally pissed, too. And allow me to add that I myself had a job before where I organized seminaries and conferences-- had I messed up like Rogue did, I would have been fired. But at least they made a lot of money.
I was there for Jensen. I saw him on a few occasions- (1) at the autograph session, (2) at my photo-op, (3) at the panels and (4) on the floor. (I mean he was walking there, not lying, which I would have preferred.)
(1) I will leave out the rest like the queuing and the slave masters from the Rogue Staff. Jensen. He was sitting there with only a table between him and me, and he looked up and said “Hi!” And I had told myself before to check him out thoroughly- his eye color, his lips, his hands, his smell, his voice, his watch, his everything. And when I looked into his eyes, my brain went blank. There was nothing else than his eyes. Dark green, with a lot of brown, but green still. And oh so intense- like the person standing before him was the center of his universe. Jensen is incredibly concentrated and focused, and all he emanated was friendliness and calmness, inner peace. He was very polite- and very distanced. I wanted him to sign my laptop, so I gave it to him and explained that basically my entire life was in there and that therefore it would be fitting if he put his signature on it. And then came one of my highlights. His hands caressed the sides of my laptop, as if he admired it (it is a very large Vaio), and all I could think was: “….” I WANT TO BE MY LAPTOP!!!! Plus, his hands are much more slender than on TV. In general I was surprised that Jensen in real life isn’t that chunky as he appears to be on photos. He is… leaner. And he is beautiful. Yes, newsflash, I know, but- I just didn’t expect THAT. Hubby said he was surprised that Jensen looked as good in flesh as on TV. Where was I? Oh, the signing. Jensen asked me where he should sign my laptop and did as I wished. While he wrote I asked him if he could write “Happy birthday” on it, too, because it was my birthday, but the Rogue-staff-woman next to him immediately intervened: “No personalization!!!” Jensen pretended not to hear, and I don’t blame him- why should he disappoint me when he had one of the organizers who had made up the rules next to him?! When he was finished, he gave me back my laptop, and I could see my hand reaching out to touch his. I really WATCHED myself doing this, because my brain (partly online again) told me not to. But screw it. I did it. Touch number 1. Then my hubby (who really, really loves me and endures the shittiest crap for me) said to Jensen that today was my birthday. And now Jensen looked at me again, with this intense gaze and a slight smile and congratulated me. I curtsied and thanked him. I must have grinned like a… no, there are no comparisons to that.
And at that something became very clear to me- I was just like everyone else in there. Something in me wanted acknowledgement from Jensen, wanted him to know that I exist, and I wanted to mean something to him. Which is the most stupid thing ever, but really these are exactly the dreams other people make money with. And that’s okay! It’s just good to know one’s own true motivation.
Of course it was a strict “no photographs!”-policy, but… did I mention my wonderful hubby?!
(2) I only got my photo taken on Sunday afternoon because I was told by the Rogue idiots that on Saturday other groups before mine were due. Which wasn’t true, either, as I learned later. Jensen was sitting in a darkened room, and we were told “no posing!!!”, which made me very sad because I had dreamt about a certain scenario (NO!!! Not THAT thing!), but that would have required Jensen standing, so it didn’t work. What happened took about 15 seconds: He looked at us when it was our turn, said hi, and I asked him if it was okay to touch him- the people before me didn’t touch him, and I wanted to be polite. He said: “Sure!” So I slipped my arm around him and put my other hand on his shoulder.
And that was the moment when my heart broke.
I know how stupid that is, but this is how I feel: When my hand was on his back, I felt his firm muscles beneath his shirt, his warmth. Jensen is a very strong, well-trained man, but at that moment it was as if my hand was bolstering him, as if I were protecting him and giving him consolation. And since then I feel a loss, as if I met a very precious person I care for so much but had to let go the same minute I met him. Anyway, I rubbed his back after the pic was taken, said my Thank you, and even though I forgot everything else I wanted to say, this one thing came back into focus. I was already on my way out but returned and said: “Oh, and God bless you!” Because I mean it. Because it is important to me. I didn’t notice, my nerves were completely gone, but hubby later told me that Jensen had already been in contact with the next fan, but that he turned around again to look at me and said a genuine “Thank you!” And then we were out and it was over.
(3) I love Jensen. And Jared’s panel was so full of life that I really wish I could find his face beautiful. What I perceived about Jared really made me his fan, I so enjoyed him and his performance on the con. I guess I am in love with how I think he might be (from my observations), but since I will never know the real Jared I need other things to drool about- and his face just doesn’t do it for me. Though his laugh is so intriguing and his eyes are full of light… someone said that Jared was a collection of several beautiful details while Jensen was beautiful as a whole. I agree.
-
(4) Meeting Jensen and Jared on the floor (corridor?!) was fun- because their bodyguards were soooo important! I coulnd’t help but quoting from a worship song: “Make way for our God!” JJ always averted their eyes when they caught someone’s gaze as not to prompt them to speak to them. Only once Jared answered a comment that was thrown at him, and he was really nice. And Jensen smiled when I said Hi for the third time on that day. But obviously the bodyguards were necessary because a fan got banned from the convention for getting into Jensen’s or Jared’s personal space…
Other than that- Richard Speight, Jr is GREAT!!!!! He is without pretenses, he is funny, he is sensible and sensitive. I attended two of his panels (one with Mark Shepard), and I was really impressed by his presence, his sense of humor and his willingness to take each and everyone serious (which Brock Kelly and Fredric Lehne didn’t, and I left their panel when they mocked a fan’s English who had a speech disorder. Not funny, idiots. Go and learn German.) So when I got his autograph I told him that he totally won me over and that I hadn’t known him before SPN but that I would totally catch up on his work now. He laughed and wrote “Danke!” (“thank you”) in my book . So I asked him: “But you don’t speak German, do you?!” Richard: “No, but I would love to learn that!” Me: “I would love to teach you. Just call me. Anytime.” And he laughed again and said delightedly: “I will, thank you!” That was my funniest moment, I think. Of course he doesn’t have my number. Not yet. *gg*
-
There was so much going on, and this is just such a small part. And one great thing: I met people in person whom I had only known from LJ- that was such a wonderful experience!!!
I might post some more pics later, but there are much better pics floating around here from people who have better cameras and/or were sitting up in the front rows. So I don’t think you need mine :-). And if you did read till here- THANK YOU. I feel better now as I got this off my chest.
-