look into my eyes and tell me what you see.......
I am so filled with hate its hard to think how I hide it so well. I despise people and this society and the way that the people in it have to bring you down in order to make themselfs feel better. But most of all. I hate myself. I hate myself for letting things and people affect me. I utterly abhor how the actions of another can make my insides twist in agony. But eh its life. Or something like that.
You wanna hear something really sad. Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I suffered some head trauma in high school that left me lacking in the memory department. Now if the fact that I can barely remember anything before the age of 14 doesnt suck enough the few memories I can conjur up are all of kids in school making me miserable. I used to dread going to school everyday. I had no friends untill 8th grade. Not one. And the only time anyone spoke to me was to throw some kind of sneering remark my way. I hated myself for that. I hated being me. And its carried onto my later life. Everytime I'm sitting alone on those oh so often nights when the few people I do know now have deserted me I hate myself more. I feel rejected on a regular basis. You know they say that men who cry when there sad are better than those who hold it in. Well I cry. Quite often. And all it does is make me feel worse.
I fail at everything. Honestly. School, jobs, definately relationships, hell I cant even win a stupid game. You name it I've lost it. My karma is so bad, I must have been a serial killer in my last life. I love when people talk about how they have lost something like its the end of the world. Do you know what its like to lose everything? No? I do. 2 years ago I lost everything but my life and my family. Now while thats something. Its not a big consolation. You wouldnt be a happy person if you lost everything you owned. And its not just personal possesions. I lost everything. Old pictures, high school yearbook, oldn otes. All my memories that i dont have anymore. Gone, wiped out in a 20 second flash of lightning. I mean what kind of luck do I need to have to get my room struck by lightning. Some fucked up shit. Oh and my gf at the time and i broke up too. Yeah. Everything. Gone. Then spend a miserable year with no life working 40 hours a week at a job you hate while going to school full time. Then coming home to a small room you have to share with your 2 asshole brothers in a small apartment while they attempt to salvage the only home you ever knew. Bad things follow me. People talk about having a cloud over their head. Well I do. It follows me everywhere relentlessly. Fuckin life. It'll kill ya you know.
And I'm so pathetic that I have such a lack of love for myself that I need others to validate myself. And even that I dont have regularly. Like the only time I feel remotely complacent with myself is when I'm in the arms of another. I just wanted to loved and excepted ever. Bah, I hate this sappy shit.
But dont worry the what 2 of you who might care? I'm too much of a punk to ever hurt myself on anything but an emotional level. Not that anyone outside my family would even know if I was dead. Which is quite sad. If I had died last week how many of you would have known? None. I feel so cared about.
And i know this is prolly going to drive away the one person I do really care about right now. And god how much I wish I was with her. I feel so good in her arms. In her presence. Sigh. But it happens. I need to get this out. And no I dont want your sympathy. I dont want anything from anyone because thats what I'm used to getting. As a society I dont even think were capable of sympathy anymore. We've lost our compassion for one another so much that it sickens me. We'd just as well step on someone than be their friend or talk to someone if it means looking cool for our friends or making ourselfs feel better. So fuckin lame...
And you know what's antoher thing that gets me is that if any of the males I know would read this all I would hear from them is how "gay" I am. Cause I'm a man and I'm supposed to let it slide. Be cool about everything. Take the nothing that life gives me and smile. Fuck that. Fuck you all. I hate you. thanks for your time.
actually the only people who are always there for me on a regular basis are Morgan and Jodi. I love you guys. Either one of you can make me smile with an IM and I am forever gratefull.
You wanna hear something really sad. Anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I suffered some head trauma in high school that left me lacking in the memory department. Now if the fact that I can barely remember anything before the age of 14 doesnt suck enough the few memories I can conjur up are all of kids in school making me miserable. I used to dread going to school everyday. I had no friends untill 8th grade. Not one. And the only time anyone spoke to me was to throw some kind of sneering remark my way. I hated myself for that. I hated being me. And its carried onto my later life. Everytime I'm sitting alone on those oh so often nights when the few people I do know now have deserted me I hate myself more. I feel rejected on a regular basis. You know they say that men who cry when there sad are better than those who hold it in. Well I cry. Quite often. And all it does is make me feel worse.
I fail at everything. Honestly. School, jobs, definately relationships, hell I cant even win a stupid game. You name it I've lost it. My karma is so bad, I must have been a serial killer in my last life. I love when people talk about how they have lost something like its the end of the world. Do you know what its like to lose everything? No? I do. 2 years ago I lost everything but my life and my family. Now while thats something. Its not a big consolation. You wouldnt be a happy person if you lost everything you owned. And its not just personal possesions. I lost everything. Old pictures, high school yearbook, oldn otes. All my memories that i dont have anymore. Gone, wiped out in a 20 second flash of lightning. I mean what kind of luck do I need to have to get my room struck by lightning. Some fucked up shit. Oh and my gf at the time and i broke up too. Yeah. Everything. Gone. Then spend a miserable year with no life working 40 hours a week at a job you hate while going to school full time. Then coming home to a small room you have to share with your 2 asshole brothers in a small apartment while they attempt to salvage the only home you ever knew. Bad things follow me. People talk about having a cloud over their head. Well I do. It follows me everywhere relentlessly. Fuckin life. It'll kill ya you know.
And I'm so pathetic that I have such a lack of love for myself that I need others to validate myself. And even that I dont have regularly. Like the only time I feel remotely complacent with myself is when I'm in the arms of another. I just wanted to loved and excepted ever. Bah, I hate this sappy shit.
But dont worry the what 2 of you who might care? I'm too much of a punk to ever hurt myself on anything but an emotional level. Not that anyone outside my family would even know if I was dead. Which is quite sad. If I had died last week how many of you would have known? None. I feel so cared about.
And i know this is prolly going to drive away the one person I do really care about right now. And god how much I wish I was with her. I feel so good in her arms. In her presence. Sigh. But it happens. I need to get this out. And no I dont want your sympathy. I dont want anything from anyone because thats what I'm used to getting. As a society I dont even think were capable of sympathy anymore. We've lost our compassion for one another so much that it sickens me. We'd just as well step on someone than be their friend or talk to someone if it means looking cool for our friends or making ourselfs feel better. So fuckin lame...
And you know what's antoher thing that gets me is that if any of the males I know would read this all I would hear from them is how "gay" I am. Cause I'm a man and I'm supposed to let it slide. Be cool about everything. Take the nothing that life gives me and smile. Fuck that. Fuck you all. I hate you. thanks for your time.
actually the only people who are always there for me on a regular basis are Morgan and Jodi. I love you guys. Either one of you can make me smile with an IM and I am forever gratefull.