It's not then end of the world...for you...
Livejournal, you've been leaving me depressed and thinking lately. Mind if I take a break? You help, but...not in this case. You will. Just let me take a break after this.
Thank you.
"No one ever really knows the ones they love
if you knew everything they thought I bet you'd wish they would just shut up...
...it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
we're alive...for the first time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
we're alive...for the last time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
to live...before you die
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
when our lives...are such a short time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
when it takes...such a long time
it's hard to remember...
My...hell...comes from inside, comes from inside!
Why...fight...this?"
So I woke up feeling kind of sick this morning. Really depressed. She's passed, but she's left an after-effect in my mind.
So there's someone...and it reminds me like it was with her. I have these feelings but I can't say them. Why? Because, humans have created all these damn rules...it's like I fit some kind of fucking criteria for being lonely. It's like I am everything nobody wants to love. Love. When I say the word, I don't mean friends or family...I am grateful they give their love they are capable of. No, the love I was referring to was that intamite thing two people share between each other. That feeling of security just with being with each other. That closeness, longing.
I went to church today. It's been a while. And I didn't like it. I like Christianity, but Catholicism sucks. Everyone questions it. I talked to my mom about this and she seems to have done what I did: created a different, more realistic version of God. Not like mine, He's still loving and caring, but He's not such a pushover or as powerful as most portray Him. What I like most: she said He can't see into the future. He simply works on intuition. Very good intution, at that. Adam and Eve,...we were set up.
So back to my first paragraph (I do this too much)...I was always happy with her. The memories are happy. I keep her alive in my mind to keep her love alive in me. I fear losing it. If I keep thinking it, it still exists. Then I run into someone...and I like them. So I figure I work at getting what I want. And then it happens: something keeps me from saying anything. I don't mean I'm shy or...whatever. I mean something makes it so that if I said anything, it would all be worthless. That's how it was with her, but we were also so close. And the feeling of sadness is intesified when this happens. I can say that's it happened three times since she left. She left. Part of me...well, I believe my love left with her. I haven't seen it in a while. I see what little of it I still have to offer to my friends and family...but she may have taken what was beyond that. Or I left with her. I don't know. Doesn't matter. No, maybe it does...because I can't show anyone what's she taken away...
Maybe it doesn't.
I'm happy. Happy. Like I always was, and am. Even with her in my mind. She's a happy memory. It's just those three times, when someone came, and I couldn't do anything about it...I had to keep these feelings in a box, tied up and tucked away. I wake up and find them on my desk, or see it at school on my sleeve, maybe sometimes when I do too much of...well, etc. You get the point, livejournal.
Livejournal...will I die alone? Haha...machines. You machines are my comfort. Sliding that cold steel hand up and down my back. Offering understanding with a chip in your head and saying it with that scratchy monotonous voice box. You program yourself to be sad with me, or happy around me. Cheer me up. You're the pity machine. I don't want a machine...
...are you a machine?
Goodbye.
Thank you.
"No one ever really knows the ones they love
if you knew everything they thought I bet you'd wish they would just shut up...
...it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
we're alive...for the first time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
we're alive...for the last time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
to live...before you die
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
when our lives...are such a short time
it's hard to remember
it's hard to remember
when it takes...such a long time
it's hard to remember...
My...hell...comes from inside, comes from inside!
Why...fight...this?"
So I woke up feeling kind of sick this morning. Really depressed. She's passed, but she's left an after-effect in my mind.
So there's someone...and it reminds me like it was with her. I have these feelings but I can't say them. Why? Because, humans have created all these damn rules...it's like I fit some kind of fucking criteria for being lonely. It's like I am everything nobody wants to love. Love. When I say the word, I don't mean friends or family...I am grateful they give their love they are capable of. No, the love I was referring to was that intamite thing two people share between each other. That feeling of security just with being with each other. That closeness, longing.
I went to church today. It's been a while. And I didn't like it. I like Christianity, but Catholicism sucks. Everyone questions it. I talked to my mom about this and she seems to have done what I did: created a different, more realistic version of God. Not like mine, He's still loving and caring, but He's not such a pushover or as powerful as most portray Him. What I like most: she said He can't see into the future. He simply works on intuition. Very good intution, at that. Adam and Eve,...we were set up.
So back to my first paragraph (I do this too much)...I was always happy with her. The memories are happy. I keep her alive in my mind to keep her love alive in me. I fear losing it. If I keep thinking it, it still exists. Then I run into someone...and I like them. So I figure I work at getting what I want. And then it happens: something keeps me from saying anything. I don't mean I'm shy or...whatever. I mean something makes it so that if I said anything, it would all be worthless. That's how it was with her, but we were also so close. And the feeling of sadness is intesified when this happens. I can say that's it happened three times since she left. She left. Part of me...well, I believe my love left with her. I haven't seen it in a while. I see what little of it I still have to offer to my friends and family...but she may have taken what was beyond that. Or I left with her. I don't know. Doesn't matter. No, maybe it does...because I can't show anyone what's she taken away...
Maybe it doesn't.
I'm happy. Happy. Like I always was, and am. Even with her in my mind. She's a happy memory. It's just those three times, when someone came, and I couldn't do anything about it...I had to keep these feelings in a box, tied up and tucked away. I wake up and find them on my desk, or see it at school on my sleeve, maybe sometimes when I do too much of...well, etc. You get the point, livejournal.
Livejournal...will I die alone? Haha...machines. You machines are my comfort. Sliding that cold steel hand up and down my back. Offering understanding with a chip in your head and saying it with that scratchy monotonous voice box. You program yourself to be sad with me, or happy around me. Cheer me up. You're the pity machine. I don't want a machine...
...are you a machine?
Goodbye.