"Senseless."
I just want someone to love me without being in love with me.
I don't want to be the object of a million guys' affection.
I don't want to be special or super smart or pretty or funny or whatever, I just want to be me.
I want to dance in polka dot dresses and drink coffee and smoke too many cigarettes. I want to be profound and deep and shallow and vacuous. I want to be the most amazing thing that ever lived and have people write about me and I want to disappear into the pages of a novel and suffer such a great character assassination that no thing and no one can ever bring me back.
I want to be accused of word vomit and mindless babble and have someone say, "You really are out of your fucking mind!" and be someone's everything and be everyone's nothing. I want to be a direct contradiction of myself and tomorrow. I wish I was Renee Yohe with beauty and breakage and I wish I was everything that someone like her represents.
I wish my relationships meant less and that I could cry without crying. I wish that no one looked up to me and I wish everyone needed me. I want to be everything I'm not and only everything I am.
I'm so lost.