(no subject)
I haven't written anything of much importance in here recently. To be honest, I don't give a shit about much of anything at this point. I have been struggling to finish my shit to get into the Marines, my dad and his gf are constantly fighting, we are so financially fucked up that we don't even know when or if or how we will buy our next loaf of bread, we are preparing to sell our house to move into a really tiny one in Citrus Springs so we can survive, I am going to have to share my room with a 4 year old kid and shove whatever things I possibly can into that room to be able to change and do what I have to until I can get the fuck out of here, I have been busting my ass in the yard and around the house to get it in shape to sell and I am still not nearly done.
I know I am rambling on and probably don't make much sense, so I have probably lost you by now, if you were even reading this because I barely have one real friend and I'm lucky to even have that at this point because our schedules never meet up and I am sure she thinks I ignore her most of the time and I know she doesn't have much of anyone to talk to either but all that's on my mind is all this shit going on around me and how I still haven't left for the Marines and how everything is getting in the way and I don't want to talk about that all the time and I have shut down so much that even if I did get to see her I probably wouldn't talk about all this shit that's really bothering me because I feel like that's all I have ever done is talk to her about my shit when it goes down and she hasn't had to confide in me with nearly as much shit, so I feel like I don't return the favor enough - not to mention that I am so tired of telling people how fucked up my life is and I wonder when it really is going to "only get better from here", so I never know what to say to my friend, and when she talks to me about work I want to relate, but I honestly have a hard time concentrating enough to listen, and when I do I don't know what to say because I don't have a job myself and when you don't have any stories to relate, you tend not to have much to say and I don't have a car or a license or the money to get either, so therefore, I can't get a job and that seems like a continuous cycle -- no license=no driving, no driving=no job, no job=no money, no money=no car, no car=no job, etc and I really don't want to talk about it but really I need to and I don't want people to think I pity myself because I know people have it worse than me, but fuck them if they do think that because I deserve the right to bitch sometimes when nothing seems to go right anymore.
Parents are fucked up, they got divorced when I was young, I went to shrinks, went through my dad's second fucked up wife and marriage, went through his drunk bullshit, lost two people in my life that were my world before I was even 16, had to put up with being poor all my life on and off, wondering where we could make a dime and I am so fucking tired of holding all of this in and it seems like nothing in words. It sounds like the same old fucking story everyone has nowadays, doesn't it? But fuck you, because I lived it and lost it and dealt with it and at only 18 I can't fucking handle it anymore and I hate being told that someone else has it worse because I know that's true and I feel bad for the sorry bastard's life, I do - but it doesn't make me like the shit I have to go through any more.
I know this whole thing seems self-centered and ridiculous and I could probably get the usual "don't worry, everything will be ok" responses, but I have fucking heard that since I was about 4 and I am so sick of wondering WHEN. WHEN the fuck does it get better? When I had a miscarriage, my only best friend in the world (my bf) cheated on me right after that while I was away at my fucking grandmother's funeral in NY...is that when it was supposed to get better? WAS THAT WHEN IT FUCKING GOT BETTER!? No, didn't think so.
I'm ripping my hair out here and talking hasn't helped. My own father is in denial about half the shit we have been through and I have no sister anymore. I think she lives in her own little world in her little fucking apartment, while she loves our daddy so much who saved her from our psycho mother - when she simply forgets how he used to come home drunk and beat the shit out of her or how he hit me when I got pregnant or when he tried to force me into getting an abortion or when he used to call me a whore or when he gave me fat lips or when he would stumble into the house at 6am with alcohol on his breath and drugs in his blood and ask me where I was going as I left for school.
Maybe she doesn't know how it is when your father goes to the hospital as you're having a miscarriage and screams at people for not calling him (because they had the wrong number) instead of dealing with what's really going on, putting bullshit aside, and telling his daughter something, ANY FUCKING THING to let her know that you might be there for her. Oh no wait, instead, she goes home with her bf who is going through this loss with her, while she is drugged up on vicodin for the pain -- and you don't even notice she abuses the drug after that -- and when she calls you from his house to check in and tell you she will be home in a day or so after she woke up from passing out in the bath tub from blood loss, stress, medication, etc, you get on the phone and yell at her for not coming home instead and when you calm down and she starts to cry, you coldly ask her what she's crying for. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT IS SHE IS FUCKING CRYING ABOUT!?!?! Is it realizing that my father won't even show an ounce of sympathy? Is it the fact that I just fucking lost a child? Maybe it was everything crashing fucking down on me at once?
Didn't even notice that 2 weeks later at my grandmother's funeral, I cried harder than I probably should have for a grandmother I wasn't so close to. Maybe you didn't fucking see that I was falling apart and losing my grandmother was just another fucking broken link? Maybe you didn't notice because all you ever wanted to do was pretend nothing ever happened to me, none of it ever existed. You didn't see me falling apart right there in front of you, my grandmother lying in a coffin in front of me, an excuse to break down completely, finally?
I want to make this public so maybe someone will read this and finally understand me, but I want to make it private because I always do. I know most people wouldn't sit here and read the length of this babbling anyway and most who might would just think it self-centered. No one would truly get it. No one would know what to say. And god forbid I make anyone else uncomfortable. This didn't even start how it ended up. I don't know what made me go through all this, and yet I feel like I am leaving so much out -- the thoughts of so many things I never speak about run through my mind and I wonder how I will ever feel like anyone understands, or if that would ever even help. All I know anymore is that I don't know anything.
I am tired of holding all this shit back. I am tired of trying to please everyone. Excuse the hell out of me if I don't fucking respond to your IMs fast enough for you - I have a fucking life to deal with. Now do you get it? Now do you fucking understand? Probably not - if anyone had read this it has seemed like a bunch of BS I am sure, and my acknowledgment of that as I write only makes you see it as even more BS, and if you have even made it to this point in reading, you have no fucking clue what to think or say and now I just seem like a complete douchebag, self-pitying whiner.