Difficulties arise with Michigan's solution to its impending financial crisis
April 13, 2009 1:51 am
Dissociated Press
Last week, Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm caused a stir when she proposed selling her state's upper peninsula region to Canada, a controversial move she and many others in her administration see as the only way to alleviate the financial crisis that is expected to follow the impending collapse of the auto industry. Governor Granholm remained unwavering in her belief in this course of action, even as opponents of the proposed sale lined the streets outside the state house and the governor's mansion. However, this morning, Granholm delivered a stunning piece of news that has seen many of the protesters hastily altering the messages on their picket signs to express solidarity with the governor, or at least, with the idea that the state's upper peninsula is something that she could sell if she wanted to. Apparently, Canada does not believe that the upper peninsula is something Canadians should have to buy; they already own it.
"I was stunned, absolutely stunned," Granholm said, of the phone conversation she had with Stockwell Day, Canada's Minister of International Trade, early this morning. "Mr. Day told me that he was very sorry, but the upper peninsula is Canadian territory and always has been, and he cannot seriously entertain the notion of buying it from us. I was so flabbergasted that I asked him if he wanted his peninsula back, and he said, 'Well, no. Your auto industry has kinda polluted the hell out of it, and besides, that whack job Ted Nugent, doesn't he hunt up there? Nope, the peninsula's all yours.'"
When asked to fill in the background behind this shocking revelation, Day said, "It's very simple. It seems that long ago, some folks in Wisconsin expressed disdain for the Green Bay Packers, and the cheeseheads told them to get the hell out. So the expatriates came onto the peninsula and started building houses. Ya, it irked us to have them invading sovereign Canadian territory, but we thought it would be rude to speak up about it. Besides, we can sympathize with their plight. What can I say? Packers fans are boorish thugs."
While this may be the end of the matter as far as Day is concerned, protests are flaring up throughout Michigan, though with an odd twist; the people of the state not only want Canada to acknowledge that the upper peninsula is United States territory, they actually want the Canadian government to buy it. This is evident in the new chants heard on streets around the state; old chants such as "Oh hell no! We won't go!" have been replaced with chants such as, "O, Canada....oh... oh hell yes, baby put on that party dress, cause we're comin' for ya, baby! O Canada! O Canada!"
When asked what benefits selling the upper peninsula would provide to her family, protester Emily Boo replied, "I'm not a protester. My kids and husband are all sick, I've gotten four hours of sleep in the past two days, the theme song from Barney is stuck in my head, and I have to wade through this crap to get cold medicine. If they sell that peninsula, I hope they use the money either to invent a cure for the common cold, a way to accelerate my kids past the age of being sick all the time, or a pill that will let me run without sleep indefinitely. Now, if you will excuse me, I need a nap," she said, as she swept a store shelf clear of its boxes of frosted flakes and lay down on it.
Needless to say, the people north of the border also have an interest in whether Canada regains its wayward peninsula. Vancouver's Donna T. Great, upon viewing news footage of the protests, said, "That is so typical of Americans. They don't even know the damn anthem and there they are, trying to force us to make them Canadian. And all because Canada said no to them. How rude!" Good answer, but Donna was actually asked whether Canada's polite acceptance of the interlopers on its soil would reinforce a negative stereotype that holds that Canada is too laid back in its dealings with the world. When she was reminded of this, she unleashed such a stream of profanities that it overloaded the circuit breaker on her ventilator. And she kept spewing, the look in her eyes clearly declaring "I still have air in my lungs!" Later, it was learned that she was distracted by the news that American television is still unavailable over the internet in Canada and never heard the question regarding Canadian stereotypes. Donna declined to answer follow up questions; her mother said she was in mourning over the whole TV situation.
Oddly, the people with the greatest stake in the fate of the upper peninsula, the people who live there, have been silent on the subject. When asked why, upper peninsula resident "No Sign of Light" said, "I'm not a resident. I came here looking for that bastard Ted Nugent. I wrote "Katt Scratch Fever" and I want my damn royalties!" Rock musician and occasional gubernatorial candidate Ted Nugent is known to hunt in Michigan's wilder places. Before further queries could be made, however, a shotgun blast ripped open one of the sandbags reinforcing the bunker NSOL and the rest of the upper peninsula's population was hiding in. "I guess the constant opposition to his stance on gun control hurt his feelings," NSOL explains. "Anyway, he lost his freakin' mind and started hunting people for sport! I don't care who owns this #@%*ing peninsula! Send the Mounties, the Navy SEALs, hell, the cast of Da Vinci's Inquest for all I care. Somebody catch this maniac before he kills us all!"
Indeed, as Michigan's upper---or Canada's lower---peninsula region resounds with terrified screams punctuated with the blasts of a high powered rifle, their primal frenzy suggests that the debate surrounding the peninsula's ownership is rather pointless. The land surrounding us cannot truly belong to any political entity, but only to the call of the wild.
Seriously, though, it would be nice if SOMEONE would rescue us. We're running out of food and I miss American---Canadian?---American television...
Dissociated Press reporter Taliesin was going to charge his friends for their appearances in this story, but his poor business sense caused him to write the story first and forget to ask his friends entirely. Unperturbed, T believes his poor grasp of business practices more than qualifies him for a job at one of the auto companies that is receiving bailout money from the federal government. He remains unaware that, while he will almost certainly be offered a job, America's recent scrutiny of the business world has made the rewarding of stupidity with obscenely large bonuses a thing of the past. Nevertheless, he waits by the phone, eagerly awaiting the opportunity coming his way.
Dissociated Press
Last week, Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm caused a stir when she proposed selling her state's upper peninsula region to Canada, a controversial move she and many others in her administration see as the only way to alleviate the financial crisis that is expected to follow the impending collapse of the auto industry. Governor Granholm remained unwavering in her belief in this course of action, even as opponents of the proposed sale lined the streets outside the state house and the governor's mansion. However, this morning, Granholm delivered a stunning piece of news that has seen many of the protesters hastily altering the messages on their picket signs to express solidarity with the governor, or at least, with the idea that the state's upper peninsula is something that she could sell if she wanted to. Apparently, Canada does not believe that the upper peninsula is something Canadians should have to buy; they already own it.
"I was stunned, absolutely stunned," Granholm said, of the phone conversation she had with Stockwell Day, Canada's Minister of International Trade, early this morning. "Mr. Day told me that he was very sorry, but the upper peninsula is Canadian territory and always has been, and he cannot seriously entertain the notion of buying it from us. I was so flabbergasted that I asked him if he wanted his peninsula back, and he said, 'Well, no. Your auto industry has kinda polluted the hell out of it, and besides, that whack job Ted Nugent, doesn't he hunt up there? Nope, the peninsula's all yours.'"
When asked to fill in the background behind this shocking revelation, Day said, "It's very simple. It seems that long ago, some folks in Wisconsin expressed disdain for the Green Bay Packers, and the cheeseheads told them to get the hell out. So the expatriates came onto the peninsula and started building houses. Ya, it irked us to have them invading sovereign Canadian territory, but we thought it would be rude to speak up about it. Besides, we can sympathize with their plight. What can I say? Packers fans are boorish thugs."
While this may be the end of the matter as far as Day is concerned, protests are flaring up throughout Michigan, though with an odd twist; the people of the state not only want Canada to acknowledge that the upper peninsula is United States territory, they actually want the Canadian government to buy it. This is evident in the new chants heard on streets around the state; old chants such as "Oh hell no! We won't go!" have been replaced with chants such as, "O, Canada....oh... oh hell yes, baby put on that party dress, cause we're comin' for ya, baby! O Canada! O Canada!"
When asked what benefits selling the upper peninsula would provide to her family, protester Emily Boo replied, "I'm not a protester. My kids and husband are all sick, I've gotten four hours of sleep in the past two days, the theme song from Barney is stuck in my head, and I have to wade through this crap to get cold medicine. If they sell that peninsula, I hope they use the money either to invent a cure for the common cold, a way to accelerate my kids past the age of being sick all the time, or a pill that will let me run without sleep indefinitely. Now, if you will excuse me, I need a nap," she said, as she swept a store shelf clear of its boxes of frosted flakes and lay down on it.
Needless to say, the people north of the border also have an interest in whether Canada regains its wayward peninsula. Vancouver's Donna T. Great, upon viewing news footage of the protests, said, "That is so typical of Americans. They don't even know the damn anthem and there they are, trying to force us to make them Canadian. And all because Canada said no to them. How rude!" Good answer, but Donna was actually asked whether Canada's polite acceptance of the interlopers on its soil would reinforce a negative stereotype that holds that Canada is too laid back in its dealings with the world. When she was reminded of this, she unleashed such a stream of profanities that it overloaded the circuit breaker on her ventilator. And she kept spewing, the look in her eyes clearly declaring "I still have air in my lungs!" Later, it was learned that she was distracted by the news that American television is still unavailable over the internet in Canada and never heard the question regarding Canadian stereotypes. Donna declined to answer follow up questions; her mother said she was in mourning over the whole TV situation.
Oddly, the people with the greatest stake in the fate of the upper peninsula, the people who live there, have been silent on the subject. When asked why, upper peninsula resident "No Sign of Light" said, "I'm not a resident. I came here looking for that bastard Ted Nugent. I wrote "Katt Scratch Fever" and I want my damn royalties!" Rock musician and occasional gubernatorial candidate Ted Nugent is known to hunt in Michigan's wilder places. Before further queries could be made, however, a shotgun blast ripped open one of the sandbags reinforcing the bunker NSOL and the rest of the upper peninsula's population was hiding in. "I guess the constant opposition to his stance on gun control hurt his feelings," NSOL explains. "Anyway, he lost his freakin' mind and started hunting people for sport! I don't care who owns this #@%*ing peninsula! Send the Mounties, the Navy SEALs, hell, the cast of Da Vinci's Inquest for all I care. Somebody catch this maniac before he kills us all!"
Indeed, as Michigan's upper---or Canada's lower---peninsula region resounds with terrified screams punctuated with the blasts of a high powered rifle, their primal frenzy suggests that the debate surrounding the peninsula's ownership is rather pointless. The land surrounding us cannot truly belong to any political entity, but only to the call of the wild.
Seriously, though, it would be nice if SOMEONE would rescue us. We're running out of food and I miss American---Canadian?---American television...
Dissociated Press reporter Taliesin was going to charge his friends for their appearances in this story, but his poor business sense caused him to write the story first and forget to ask his friends entirely. Unperturbed, T believes his poor grasp of business practices more than qualifies him for a job at one of the auto companies that is receiving bailout money from the federal government. He remains unaware that, while he will almost certainly be offered a job, America's recent scrutiny of the business world has made the rewarding of stupidity with obscenely large bonuses a thing of the past. Nevertheless, he waits by the phone, eagerly awaiting the opportunity coming his way.