(no subject)
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm helpless, back in that worn, hateful nook I find myself in so often.
The children have been taken somewhere, taken by some darkness, and the person who saw them last is being the most impossible I have ever witnessed her to be. You would think, with how much she's obsessing about being a good mother and focusing on kittens and the like, she would be interested in finding them now that she has support. But no. No, she's apparently not here for that. Not here to do anything that might be considered helpful or sensible.
No, all she's been doing is twisting the knife.
Once she showed that she could talk, she dared to bring up Bella, saying she remembered her. Implying that she remembered how I left her and went to Pook. Aye, I did. I left a clearly abusive relationship, where I felt utterly anchored down and trapped, once the cage door was open. If she's comparing that to our relationship, she's making some curious insinuations about what our relationship truly was. So aye, I may have brought up in a roundabout way that she was the one who sought another man's arms -- mine -- when her former lover was dead within hours of his passing. HOURS. And she has the gall to snarl at me about moving on?
This wasn't how I wanted to talk to her, and I still held back; there are things only Pook needs to hear. But she wasn't interested in listening last night. When I said I wanted to find our children, she was quick to correct me -- "HER children," she said. As if I hadn't been beside her raising those children every step of the way. As if I hadn't taken Daltrien into my heart despite not being of my blood. Gods, it stung. If she wants to take the children away from me and out of my life (the ink stops here and drips before continuing) then she can, as long as it means they're safe and sound. I'd rather they be alive, well, and in the care of someone they love, even if that someone wants no part of me. If I never see their faces again, never know how they grow up, never hear their laughter or answer an innocent question about the world... as much as it would twist me in knots, it would be better than this. Better than knowing they've been taken somewhere and the one person who knows anything about it won't lift a finger.
She says she's crazy. I don't know about that. I've seen enough people use that as an excuse for terrible behavior that I'm skeptical whenever anyone calls themselves insane. I know Seb mentioned her mind was disjointed and every now and again Pook launched into a ramble that made little sense, so I suppose it's possible. But if that's the case, being in the cat doesn't help. She lost herself to the bear after one month -- how long has she been in animal form now? Over a year? Should we force her out of it, or would that only make it worse? I don't think it's doing her any favors -- she's likening herself to her nightsaber mother. But unlike the bear, now I can do nothing about it. I can't force her into her true form through a bond that doesn't exist, and An'she's powers aren't focused on animals. My two aides in this are Ephe, who I'm only barely on speaking terms with, and Seb, who shouldn't have to deal with this at all. I'm forced to sit on the sidelines, and I don't want to inflict what may be a crazed cat on either of them.
But, gods, she has to get out of that form.
She talked about how she looked. How she flew, swam, and ran all over. That she looked everywhere. Why, then, did I never see her? Why only now has she come back? She knew where to find me. I came back to the Kodo time and again purely because I knew it would be a prime meeting spot for her. She never once showed her face. If she's been free all this time, what does it say about the relationship we apparently had that she didn't come find me so we could seek out the children together? Gods, she knew I was a tracker, too. That I was good at finding people. Did she never think to come after me?
She has been nothing but petty and stubborn while three people have been practically screaming at her trying to get her to help.
I'd closed the door on all of this. Now she's come to open it, and she's standing in the gods-damned doorway so any closure is impossible. I want to find the children. I want to talk to her about what happened and help her come to terms with everything. And instead, all I have is a mulish cat refusing to do anything worthwhile.
I just want it to be over. I just want to resolve this. I want to be able to look into my lifemate's eyes and tell her that she doesn't have to worry about this anymore.
Seb has been so patient throughout this. Last night, despite being angrier than I've been in a long time, I made sure to give her time that was just for her. I don't want this mess to dominate our time together. I can tell she's holding back and that she's troubled about this. I can't blame her for it. All I can do is show my dedication to her and strive to have a normal evening. I want to be able to hold her and know that we're not both dwelling on the same looming storm cloud in the distance, leaving things unsaid in the interest of peace. Our child has started moving. The last thing she needs is stress, and that's precisely what she's getting. I'm trying to mitigate it while still involving her, because keeping her on the sidelines would only increase her worry.
Some days it feels like I'm balancing the world on my shoulders. This morning, as I watch the mist burn away over the lake, I can feel the weight of it.
The children have been taken somewhere, taken by some darkness, and the person who saw them last is being the most impossible I have ever witnessed her to be. You would think, with how much she's obsessing about being a good mother and focusing on kittens and the like, she would be interested in finding them now that she has support. But no. No, she's apparently not here for that. Not here to do anything that might be considered helpful or sensible.
No, all she's been doing is twisting the knife.
Once she showed that she could talk, she dared to bring up Bella, saying she remembered her. Implying that she remembered how I left her and went to Pook. Aye, I did. I left a clearly abusive relationship, where I felt utterly anchored down and trapped, once the cage door was open. If she's comparing that to our relationship, she's making some curious insinuations about what our relationship truly was. So aye, I may have brought up in a roundabout way that she was the one who sought another man's arms -- mine -- when her former lover was dead within hours of his passing. HOURS. And she has the gall to snarl at me about moving on?
This wasn't how I wanted to talk to her, and I still held back; there are things only Pook needs to hear. But she wasn't interested in listening last night. When I said I wanted to find our children, she was quick to correct me -- "HER children," she said. As if I hadn't been beside her raising those children every step of the way. As if I hadn't taken Daltrien into my heart despite not being of my blood. Gods, it stung. If she wants to take the children away from me and out of my life (the ink stops here and drips before continuing) then she can, as long as it means they're safe and sound. I'd rather they be alive, well, and in the care of someone they love, even if that someone wants no part of me. If I never see their faces again, never know how they grow up, never hear their laughter or answer an innocent question about the world... as much as it would twist me in knots, it would be better than this. Better than knowing they've been taken somewhere and the one person who knows anything about it won't lift a finger.
She says she's crazy. I don't know about that. I've seen enough people use that as an excuse for terrible behavior that I'm skeptical whenever anyone calls themselves insane. I know Seb mentioned her mind was disjointed and every now and again Pook launched into a ramble that made little sense, so I suppose it's possible. But if that's the case, being in the cat doesn't help. She lost herself to the bear after one month -- how long has she been in animal form now? Over a year? Should we force her out of it, or would that only make it worse? I don't think it's doing her any favors -- she's likening herself to her nightsaber mother. But unlike the bear, now I can do nothing about it. I can't force her into her true form through a bond that doesn't exist, and An'she's powers aren't focused on animals. My two aides in this are Ephe, who I'm only barely on speaking terms with, and Seb, who shouldn't have to deal with this at all. I'm forced to sit on the sidelines, and I don't want to inflict what may be a crazed cat on either of them.
But, gods, she has to get out of that form.
She talked about how she looked. How she flew, swam, and ran all over. That she looked everywhere. Why, then, did I never see her? Why only now has she come back? She knew where to find me. I came back to the Kodo time and again purely because I knew it would be a prime meeting spot for her. She never once showed her face. If she's been free all this time, what does it say about the relationship we apparently had that she didn't come find me so we could seek out the children together? Gods, she knew I was a tracker, too. That I was good at finding people. Did she never think to come after me?
She has been nothing but petty and stubborn while three people have been practically screaming at her trying to get her to help.
I'd closed the door on all of this. Now she's come to open it, and she's standing in the gods-damned doorway so any closure is impossible. I want to find the children. I want to talk to her about what happened and help her come to terms with everything. And instead, all I have is a mulish cat refusing to do anything worthwhile.
I just want it to be over. I just want to resolve this. I want to be able to look into my lifemate's eyes and tell her that she doesn't have to worry about this anymore.
Seb has been so patient throughout this. Last night, despite being angrier than I've been in a long time, I made sure to give her time that was just for her. I don't want this mess to dominate our time together. I can tell she's holding back and that she's troubled about this. I can't blame her for it. All I can do is show my dedication to her and strive to have a normal evening. I want to be able to hold her and know that we're not both dwelling on the same looming storm cloud in the distance, leaving things unsaid in the interest of peace. Our child has started moving. The last thing she needs is stress, and that's precisely what she's getting. I'm trying to mitigate it while still involving her, because keeping her on the sidelines would only increase her worry.
Some days it feels like I'm balancing the world on my shoulders. This morning, as I watch the mist burn away over the lake, I can feel the weight of it.