...
It's interesting to me that I can have one the worst days that I have ever had in my life, and no one cne knows about it. What's even more interesting is that the people that I would have expected to be there for me are nowhere to be found. There have not been many times where I really needed someone, just someone to care and listen and offer advice, but when those times happen, it always seems that I don't have anyone there for me.
And perhaps that is my fault. I don't like asking people for help. I hint at it and hope that someone picks up on it, but I never flat out ask for support. I don't know why. I suppose people would say that it is some sort of pride thing, but that's not it. I guess I just don't like forcing people to care about me.
So I sit here in this giant, empty house, just itching to have someone give a shit about me. Everyone else is off galavanting or vacationing or something else wonderful that I can't do cuz I'm fucking working seven days a week. And even working seven days a week, I still have no money. I don't know how that happens. And now I'm on livejournal. I can't remember the last time that I actually wrote something like this. I can't remember the last time that I felt like it. I just got turned off from the whole thing and yet here I am, complaining on the web since no one else will listen to me.
I'm just sick of the whole thing. I don't know why I try to work so god damn hard if I only make myself and other people I care about miserable. Two years down the line you tell me that you didn't really want me to go to school? Did I miss something? Cuz I thought that I was the one that didn't want to go to school, and it was YOU that forced me to go.
I miss out on everything since I'm always working when everyone else is free, and it just helps people forget that you exist. Well gee, sorry that I have to work all the time to pay for simple living expenses instead of having it all handed to me on a silver platter. How selfish of me. God damn it I'm tired of working my ass off and as a result having people stop giving you a single thought or consideration. I'm tired of watching all these people just sailing through life while I struggle and reap no apparent benefits.
And why isn't anything I do ever fucking enough? I always fall miles short of where they want me to be. Funny, cuz most people think a 3.95 grade point average at USC while double majoring and working 30 hours a week is pretty good. Oh, and most people think that full-time internships where you work 50 hours a week are also signs of trying. But no, my three jobs and my 20 credits a semester don't show any indication of trying. I should just accept that I am a failure.
I thought that summer ending and school starting would be my saving grace. But now it doesn't even look like that is going to happen.
Yes, I realize that it is my fault the no one is ever there when I need them, and I realize that it is also my fault that as far as other people are concerned, I have dropped off the face of the planet. But the thing that sucks is I can't do a fucking thing about it.
Fuck work. Fuck school. Fuck the future. Fuck having to write on livejournal. Fuck solitude.
Fuck life.
And perhaps that is my fault. I don't like asking people for help. I hint at it and hope that someone picks up on it, but I never flat out ask for support. I don't know why. I suppose people would say that it is some sort of pride thing, but that's not it. I guess I just don't like forcing people to care about me.
So I sit here in this giant, empty house, just itching to have someone give a shit about me. Everyone else is off galavanting or vacationing or something else wonderful that I can't do cuz I'm fucking working seven days a week. And even working seven days a week, I still have no money. I don't know how that happens. And now I'm on livejournal. I can't remember the last time that I actually wrote something like this. I can't remember the last time that I felt like it. I just got turned off from the whole thing and yet here I am, complaining on the web since no one else will listen to me.
I'm just sick of the whole thing. I don't know why I try to work so god damn hard if I only make myself and other people I care about miserable. Two years down the line you tell me that you didn't really want me to go to school? Did I miss something? Cuz I thought that I was the one that didn't want to go to school, and it was YOU that forced me to go.
I miss out on everything since I'm always working when everyone else is free, and it just helps people forget that you exist. Well gee, sorry that I have to work all the time to pay for simple living expenses instead of having it all handed to me on a silver platter. How selfish of me. God damn it I'm tired of working my ass off and as a result having people stop giving you a single thought or consideration. I'm tired of watching all these people just sailing through life while I struggle and reap no apparent benefits.
And why isn't anything I do ever fucking enough? I always fall miles short of where they want me to be. Funny, cuz most people think a 3.95 grade point average at USC while double majoring and working 30 hours a week is pretty good. Oh, and most people think that full-time internships where you work 50 hours a week are also signs of trying. But no, my three jobs and my 20 credits a semester don't show any indication of trying. I should just accept that I am a failure.
I thought that summer ending and school starting would be my saving grace. But now it doesn't even look like that is going to happen.
Yes, I realize that it is my fault the no one is ever there when I need them, and I realize that it is also my fault that as far as other people are concerned, I have dropped off the face of the planet. But the thing that sucks is I can't do a fucking thing about it.
Fuck work. Fuck school. Fuck the future. Fuck having to write on livejournal. Fuck solitude.
Fuck life.