Discontent
I've never felt like this before. It's a pure exhaustion, a fatigued day to day existence. I don't know when it set in, but I don't like the idea of bearing it much longer. I don't remember ever being so discontent. I feel as if I have been completely detached from the rest of the world, and naturally the rest of the world doesn't even notice my absence. I've never been one to call out for help, never needed to before, even when things got bad, and while I have no idea why I am so compelled to change that at the moment, I am. The sad thing is that I have no reason to be feeling so down, it all seems so stupid.
I have no time anymore. I have no time to relax and reflect. And that is killing me. The few hours that I am able to spend at home are made trying and exhausting by the constant demands, constant nagging, constant fighting, constant sarcastic remarks. I am sick sick SICK of it. Nothing that I ever do will ever be enough. As much as I hate to say it, much less think it at all, I want out. I'm tired of living in this house. I just want to completely break off...
... but then I realize that that is not possible. I am stuck there as long and I am financially dependent, or rather, going to school. But when I think about it, I don't want to go to school anymore if that is the cost. We can't afford it anyway, and I can't deal with these parental restrictions and limitations, hell, just the burden that this family can be. I'm tired. I want out.
Sure, if I didn't go to school anymore I wouldn't get that treasured degree and I'd live a low-class life. But hell, sometimes I think that I would be a lot happier simply because I could live by my own rules for a change without any regard as to what someone else might think.
And besides all that, I just need a break. God I am so jealous of everyone...
Haha. I can't even fucking finish this rant cuz my presence has been demanded yet again. Go fucking figure.
I really just want to drop off the face of the planet right now. Oh, wait, I pretty much have. And no one has even cared to notice.
I have no time anymore. I have no time to relax and reflect. And that is killing me. The few hours that I am able to spend at home are made trying and exhausting by the constant demands, constant nagging, constant fighting, constant sarcastic remarks. I am sick sick SICK of it. Nothing that I ever do will ever be enough. As much as I hate to say it, much less think it at all, I want out. I'm tired of living in this house. I just want to completely break off...
... but then I realize that that is not possible. I am stuck there as long and I am financially dependent, or rather, going to school. But when I think about it, I don't want to go to school anymore if that is the cost. We can't afford it anyway, and I can't deal with these parental restrictions and limitations, hell, just the burden that this family can be. I'm tired. I want out.
Sure, if I didn't go to school anymore I wouldn't get that treasured degree and I'd live a low-class life. But hell, sometimes I think that I would be a lot happier simply because I could live by my own rules for a change without any regard as to what someone else might think.
And besides all that, I just need a break. God I am so jealous of everyone...
Haha. I can't even fucking finish this rant cuz my presence has been demanded yet again. Go fucking figure.
I really just want to drop off the face of the planet right now. Oh, wait, I pretty much have. And no one has even cared to notice.