(no subject)
It's been a long time since i've failed at something.. maybe that's why this is so disheartening. But what's even more disheartening is that i don't really care that i've failed. which makes it harder to study. but doesn't get rid of that gut-wrenching feeling of failure.
I need motivation and i don't know where to get it. i just feel so tired all the time.. and i feel so lost. i'm uncomfortably stuck in this feeling of in-between and it's making me anxious, upset, moody and lazy all the same time. i hate that i'm wasting time.. but at the same time, i don't care enough to do anything about it. i'd rather continue to waste time and then just feel bad about it afterwards.
maybe i'm addicted to this nothingness. this eternal state of sloth. i don't do anything.. i've become quite good at wasting time - watching movies i've already seen, listening to songs that i've already heard and searching for classes or shows that i won't attend or watch, but it's nice to know that it's there and that i have the option to go if i'd like to. so at the end of the day, nothing really gets done. and it's a waste. and i feel bad about wasting my day, wasting my time, because i could've spent it outside reading a book in the sun. but i shouldn't be outside in the sun because i should be inside studying. but i don't want to study.
so at the end of the day.. i just do nothing, because i won't allow myself to enjoy my time (because i'm being irresponsible) but then i can't bring myself to do anything productive. so here i am in this nothingness. it's funny because a friend recently posted something on facebook related to the phantom tollbooth. it's been awhile since i'd heard that name, and even longer since i read the book. it's my favorite children's book and it's funny how now, at 24, is when i most understand how the lead character (milo) feels. finding no meaning in life, because really, there isnt anything that he's /that/ interested in pursuing, wanting to be somewhere else but then wanting to be back once he gets there.
in these times, i've tried to return to God. at times it helps - i find myself enjoying my free time, grateful for the blessing i have and for being so lucky. guilt finds its way quickly afterward though, and i'm back in this little rut of mine.
i hope i pass the CPA soon. then maybe i can move on. mostly importantly, i hope that i have enough energy/motivation/whateverITis in me to actually study and pass.
study music - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eciQ_VNnns4 [Where do I start? - Chicane]
I need motivation and i don't know where to get it. i just feel so tired all the time.. and i feel so lost. i'm uncomfortably stuck in this feeling of in-between and it's making me anxious, upset, moody and lazy all the same time. i hate that i'm wasting time.. but at the same time, i don't care enough to do anything about it. i'd rather continue to waste time and then just feel bad about it afterwards.
maybe i'm addicted to this nothingness. this eternal state of sloth. i don't do anything.. i've become quite good at wasting time - watching movies i've already seen, listening to songs that i've already heard and searching for classes or shows that i won't attend or watch, but it's nice to know that it's there and that i have the option to go if i'd like to. so at the end of the day, nothing really gets done. and it's a waste. and i feel bad about wasting my day, wasting my time, because i could've spent it outside reading a book in the sun. but i shouldn't be outside in the sun because i should be inside studying. but i don't want to study.
so at the end of the day.. i just do nothing, because i won't allow myself to enjoy my time (because i'm being irresponsible) but then i can't bring myself to do anything productive. so here i am in this nothingness. it's funny because a friend recently posted something on facebook related to the phantom tollbooth. it's been awhile since i'd heard that name, and even longer since i read the book. it's my favorite children's book and it's funny how now, at 24, is when i most understand how the lead character (milo) feels. finding no meaning in life, because really, there isnt anything that he's /that/ interested in pursuing, wanting to be somewhere else but then wanting to be back once he gets there.
in these times, i've tried to return to God. at times it helps - i find myself enjoying my free time, grateful for the blessing i have and for being so lucky. guilt finds its way quickly afterward though, and i'm back in this little rut of mine.
i hope i pass the CPA soon. then maybe i can move on. mostly importantly, i hope that i have enough energy/motivation/whateverITis in me to actually study and pass.
study music - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eciQ_VNnns4 [Where do I start? - Chicane]