(no subject)
I can't seem to get anything done lately. I'm supposed to be editing a story I've written for my fiction class, but I'm just staring at the screen. It's not that I don't really know what to do with it, it's more that I just don't care and I don't think it's all that good. Self-doubt hits me in waves, and this is a big one. Yes, I got into grad school and that's going to be awesome. But if I want to be a writer for a living I'm going to have to learn to make myself do things when I don't have someone scheduling it out for me. And I'll have to send things to editors and they'll tell me what sucks and what to change. I'll have to deal with constant criticism, which I'm not very good at taking. If it's not good the first time I'd rather just give up and move on to something new. I don't re-read my papers when I write them for class, I just turn them in. I trust spell checker to catch the major errors and I move on. I don't even like reading comments on papers when they're handed back to me. I got the grade, let's keep going. There are two more weeks of class and I'm ready just to throw in the towel, but I have so much to do that matters. I need to finish two stories, write 20 pages of memoir that I have no idea where to even start, write a 12 page research paper, and I guess study for a few other finals. I should have done these things when I had more motivation. I can't put this shit off for much longer. This story needs to be e-mailed out today and I just want to sit in front of the television and not think. I would even settle for reading a book, even one for class. That's fine. I'll read for the rest of my life, but don't ask me to do anything with what I've read. This is horrible considering this is what I've signed up to do for basically the rest of my life. Maybe I'll just be a production assistant for the rest of my life and hate my life, either way apparently, I'm going to be miserable. I'll just take an incomplete.